“You look happy, you can’t be dead inside.”

“There’s no way you are depressed, you look so active and talkative.”
“You’ve got a whole life ahead, you have a good life so I can’t find a reason why would you be in so much pain.”

These are the words that have been told by my parents for countless times.

I’m 22 years old girl in the eastern region who’s studying in the medical field. On the outside, I used to be a happy-go-lucky, active and energetic person, but deeply I knew that I worry a lot and have a turbulent mind. I always get easily surprised and overwhelmed and my heart races a lot, these symptoms are noticed by others but they only though it was just a ‘personality’. In the past few years I used to have a few, trusted friends, which is more than enough for me. I used to be a good student in class that got straight A. I could admit that my life quality, on the external view, is preety good; I have a decent career waiting for me, my family supports me , I have some friends and I don’t have problems with studying. (Even if my anxious mind troubles me sometimes.)

Until the past few years there are some major changes in my life; The study became so much harder and there are more responsibility that I need to take.(and my school won’t allow us to drop.) Mom and dad has a chronic problem against each other and it’s getting more and more intense every time they fought , I wouldn’t want to go in details for this one. My grades dropped and my professors blamed me for being such an inactive and lazy person. Their frustration and disappointment overwhelms me (and gave me loads of …homework just to getme active). At first I was sad and disappointed, but when the show goes on and on I started to feel nothing and this scary thought develops; Life is pointless.

Over these year my motivation was loss little by little and so are my social interactions; When I’m stressed I tend to detach from my friends, it’s surprising that they don’t even know how depressed I feel deep inside, they still think I’m okay. And now, I feel like my detachment against them makes my lose my friends, they don’t act like we were friends anymore, as if we are now strangers and I’m alone in this world.

In about a month or so, the terrifying thought continuously popped up in my mind. While I was crossing the road, I deeply wishes to be ran over by a large car. (While surprisingly , when I cross the roads, my heart always races and I fear that I might got ran over by a large car some day.) It happens in the same way when I look down to the ground from tall buildings or holding a knife. In any other way, death would have been a relieve. I know that my problems could end someday, but when it ends, the new ones will begin, and I’m fed up with all these suffering. I feel like I’m stuck in an endless circle of nightmare , every single day is a day–to–day survival and the only thing I’m looking forward to is to get back to bed, and the new nightmare starts when I woke up.

Surprisingly, NO ONE notices

; When they still sees me smile, they still think that I’m okay. Even if I tell them I’m not okay. I’ve told my parents about some of my anxious thoughts and they doesn’t seem to care, they say something like ‘as long as you can smile, you’re fine’ and ‘you’re just being sensitive, learn to change yourself’. They told me this several times. They blame my lethargy for bad grades and failure at work. If person that can be trusted the most shattered your soul, then who can you really put a trust on?

I feel like I’m indeed alone in this world, with my surrounding that still bothers me, it’s hard to explain; It’s like you’re at a large party with noone you knew … and people are just dancing and having fun and you just sat there doing nothing, you can dance with someone or have a drink or two during the stay, but deep inside … you would still feel lonely , you would wait for the party to end so you could get home and go back to your room and be alone, that wouldn’t be as painful as being alone in the partying crowd.

And for me, life is like that party, and that party would end when my life ends.

I just want to be left alone, so I can detach myself off those overwhelming stimulus, so I don’t have to wear a fake smile to the world, it’s so disgusting. It drains me so much even if I already feel like I am so dry, I have nothing left inside. All those fame , money and suceed can never motivated me anyways. Deep inside, I don’t want the world to remember me. If I leave this world, I want to leave unnoticed , I don’t want to existed , or even have a history of existance in this world.

But then you’d ask why would I write this, well, because I think it might be beneficial for some person. I live in my thoughts , for most of the time. So if you have a relative/friends/partner that has a similiar personality traits and/or mental illness , you might understand them more.

And hopefully, they won’t end up like me.