I had an unhealthy meal, and I…I don’t know…sort of snapped. I guzzled water and punched my stomach but I couldn’t throw up. And I just started sobbing. I saw myself in the mirror and I knew that I would always be a freak and a loser and unworthy. So I gave myself ten cuts. There wasn’t even that much blood, but now I feel sort of strange. I don’t know why…My stomach hurts and I feel like a pig and so so SO FUCKING GUILTY and I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME and I CAN’T EVEN LOOK IN THE MIRROR because I DESPISE myself!!! What is wrong in my head? Why am I the piece of my family that went wrong? How did I turn out so wrong? I wish so much that I could just kill myself. Things will never change. I can’t make myself do anything that I love doing. I look forward to nothing. Nobody but my family would miss me. I am such a despicable person. Please let it all end!!!
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If you’d like someone to talk to, them let me know. I’ve been contemplating suicide myself, but I’m not 100% sure I want to do it yet.
“Nobody but my family would miss me”
But at least they will miss you, so you know there is someone that cares about you. You’d prob be surprised to find that others in your life, you didn’t count in that group, also would miss you.
Ever thought to get help for your body image issue?
After one of my stays in a ward, for unrelated issues, I was surprised how many, (mostly females), that had body distortion disorder one way or another, and it completely blew my mind. Here they are, absolutely gorgeous, and even perfect in each their own way, yet destroying them self one way or another to get rid of this image they see. Distortion to rid their distortion.
Those that “took” the help, seemed to be genuinely happier later, even if their body images wasn’t completely distortion free
And if not help/treatment isn’t a bad place to start, to get everything else going that’s inside you. Who knows you might even be diagnosed with something and get some clarification and targeted help/treatment that might work, instead of just:
“Hi I’m Alice, I’m madness, I’m not the Mad Hatter, he is mad not I, I’m Alice, the madness, in the Hatter, I’m not mad, I’m Alice”- and down the rabbit hole we go, with no one to pull us up