I had a very vivid dream this morning. I don’t remember too much now, but I remember it feeling very real at the time. For whatever reason, people from my lab or school or something were going to a fair. I don’t remember who, I just remember they were very familiar. However there was this one girl who I had never seen before. I don’t remember her face too well or how she sounded like, but it all felt very warm. In my head the name Auroran kept popping up, but I don’t think that’s a real name so maybe it was Aurora instead. She tried to get close to me. Her face was close to mine and I remember pulling away because I was scared. She seemed a bit hurt. Eventually her and some other tired to get on a roller coaster and I wasn’t there to get on. Or maybe I didn’t want to get on. But right before it took off, I decided that I had to get on and ran on next to her. I remember he being happy I came and holding my arm tight. I think the dream ended there.
I wonder if she’s out there. I wonder if her name is Aurora or if she looked like and sounded like I dreamed it. Where is she? Does she dream about me? I told someone earlier on here that there are 9 billion people on this planet. I googled it and it’s more like 8, but my point still stands. But I can’t help but feel like a hypocrite when I say those things and still feel so alone and hopeless. I know logically that Aurora is out there. Somewhere. The possibility that she’s not is so astronomically low. But there will always be that fear that I’ll never find her. What makes me even more afraid is if I already found her and let her go.
Naturally my mind wonders over to “her”. I’ve talked about her so much now. I know she’s not Aurora. She never was going to be. But I can’t help but want to hear her voice again. The thought has crossed my mind that maybe she already found happiness. Maybe she’s surrounded be people who care about her. Maybe one of them is with her. Maybe she’s engaged. Maybe she already got married. 2 years is a very long time. A part of me hopes that’s the case. Partially for selfish reasons and partially not. I do want her to be happy. I really do. But having something so definitive would surely be that last push to really sever things. To finally be free of those questions I’ve always had but never get the answer to.
This post deserves this song: