Another 3 hours of sleep and waking up feeling as though I am drowning and someone yelling to just go under. I have contemplated this long enough and even been on this site saying I am going to do it to only chicken out at the end. I promised myself after this stupid football game tonight that it is time to check out. I have gone over the reasons to stay over the reasons to go and the reasons to go VASTLY outnumber the stays so once again there is yet another sign it is time to go.
I figured I would make one of those flip card videos for youtube and put some music to it as I have already left notes for everyone that wants them and left them on the laptop for when the police and detectives find me. Is anyone here any good at putting music to your own youtube videos and if you are do you think you can do me a small favor in telling me how it is done. I have used google but it is easier to do this without ads appearing every 5 to 10 seconds and for people to tell you to go to another website to download something.
I have about 25 little cards with something written on them and I know the song I want to use so I am just trying to figure out how to put the song in the video. I would greatly appreciate it.
Tonight is the night. I have been crying nonstop for a day and a half and sick of throwing up and being lonely. I miss my family terribly but that does nothing for me. Sorry for how long this is but when you are stuck with no one to talk too that is how it happens.
Thanks for anyone who volunteers to help.
7 comments
You are mourning. Allow yourself to mourn. You cannot rush it.
Although you may not see it now because of your pain and present circumstances, there will come a time when your children will need the love and advise only a father can give.
How can you expect them to understand your death? They will not know that you love them as dearly as you do.
You may not be as “messed up” as you think. Maybe see a therapist for grief counseling; perhaps then you can see your way to deal with the rest of it.
I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered. It is like a death and I am in no way trying to minimize it. My heart goes out to you.
I lost them during a soon to be bitter divorce and right now I cannot communicate with them due to an unjustified restraining order.
I do not expect them to understand my death but I do hope they one day realize why it happened and the reasons for it. I have been seeing therapists and counselors and here in the states their main objective is to get you on the latest wonder drug for depression.
I walk around and constantly wonder why I am still here and wonder how can I be any good for them at all. I have stuck this out for as long as I can hoping it will get better and hoping I can somewhat come around. I failed in this thought process.
I am not wanting to rush anything but a I do know the pain gets worse daily and I simply cannot take it anymore. This was not a rushed decision and I have been contemplating this for a while now. I have stayed alive this long in the hopes that things would get better.
Unfortunately they haven’t. I appreciate the comment though.
I remember your story.
Whether the restraining order is justified or not, it is in place to protect them while you are in this dark place. Even if it is justified, it doesn’t mean that it will be forever. It doesn’t mean that you will “never” see your kids again.
Don’t give your wife’s divorce attorney more ammunition. Take steps to prove you can be a stable and supportive part of their lives. This is a worthy goal.
If you take your life, you may end your pain, but you are also preventing your children from knowing the BEST side of you. Do you expect your estranged wife to remind them of all of your good qualities, all of the wonderful things about them that come from you?
Your decision. I get it. But storms, even horrific ones, pass. It is better to make permanent decisions in the calm. Wait a year after the divorce is finalized. Then decide.
Your kids may never forgive you or their mom if you kill yourself. They may lose both parents to your suicide. Please take some more time. Realize that this transition is very difficult for your children as well. Life is difficult enough as it is. Don’t just gloss over their pain with “they’ll get over it eventually” to justify you wanting to end yours. They may never get over it. EVER!
Right the only problem was the restraining order was put in place BEFORE this all happened. There was nothing to protect other than her wanting me to leave the house that I had no intentions of leaving because I was not trying to harm her or the children. I have never even hit or touched them in anger.
The state I live in has some funny rules when it comes to that stuff. You can essentially get a judge to believe anything.
She has not filed for divorce and the injunction runs out in March so that should be interesting as she has no desire (per her words) of me seeing them again and I am not sure what other story you are referring too.
Seems like they are putting the kids in a tank to have them go to the mailbox each day. Also difficult to say someone is dangerous when they have never harmed the people he loves very much with any kind of physical or emotional violence.
I do appreciate your time and conversation I really do. It is nice to have someone to talk too.
Oh, Honey. I am not implying that there is a justification for the restraining order. I only meant that you can take steps to improve the life circumstances for you and the children, even if it is a long road.
The story I was referring to was what you had put on SP previously, nothing more.
What I AM trying to say, is that you should not have to go this alone. The grief you are feeling is normal. Dealing with it all is unbearably difficult. I doubt you’re a monster. I doubt you’re a saint.
Your life has importance, even if you feel it is being ripped from you. No one can be your self worth. You have to find that within yourself. Sometimes other people can help you see it, but they cannot help you own it. Only you can do that. If it were easy, no one would be on this website. 😉
Beautifully said I just want to make sure that those that hear the words restraining order do not automatically assume that I used my wife and kids as punching bags. The last time I was here someone had some fun with my account. I had to jump off line and shut down about every account I had in order to start over.
AT my middle aged life I think I have done more damage than I have good and staying here will only amplify that. More court battles and hoping to see the kids every other weekend if she wants me too and so on.
I think I used up the small bit of importance I had and am essentially taking up space that could be used for someone who seems to could do more good here than I can.
I know the kids are young now and might not understand it, well the teenager might but they have also not seen me for months and I doubt they would miss me if it continues which is where I think the soon to be ex wants to see it go.
Hello Missing My3Hearts31921. It looks your display name is based those you love. Mine is just a1957 and it just means I was born (non-consentually to say the least) in August 1957. Married thrice, divorced twice, my two adult children still have little to do with me. Like as see yourself, I was likely contributing only nominally to the human community. I only survived my suicide bid because of very resourceful cadre who were determined to see me survive. If you succeed in catching the bus, though presumably I have never met you, you can know that this annonimous stranger understands that “…I have had all I can of everything.” If you catch the bus tonite then the next paragraph is of no importance. But may I will press on?
Indeed I was just about a waste of space mysel as I headed off into the sunset literally and figuratively. But because I was thwarted in my departure bid, which can happen, I had to somehow find a way over the next several years to start fixing many things in my self, make almost no new messes, not get myself into any new messy people (read: a troubled new wife) oh and, justify my existance. It all is getting done with input from people with insight like this WitlessWhit person has clearly has.
Well, whatever you wind up doing, I understand.