Innocence to xtrm awareness

let me avoid the whole telling my story thing. It’s not really important in the end.

Imagine for one second u knew nothing. U r completely innocent still pretending still dreaming and involved in fantasy  and still wholeheartedly without a care in the world except u know this is enjoyable and that is not (whatever this or that is). U have never been hurt. A child’s mind. Insert games movies and TV.  They become all u know. They are your world. U don’t know people or the world hardly at all including ur own parents. U have no knowledge whatsoever let alone of evils, rape murder etc. Along comes a few points in time when u r without the only thing u know so u try to get along. Only u can’t(honestly) try as u might because ur so far behind everyone else and u Know nothing.  Ur peers reject u and ridicule u. U immediately return to what u know to forget and ignore everything u feel as a result. Games movies and TV fantasy becomes ur safe haven. Now U have the beginning of my life. fast forward a little and u grow in body but not mind or emotion. U become hurt angry and u act out. U do something stupid (breaking and entering and theft) to let out ur frustration and get inexpensive miniscule things u hope will help you get along( not knowing better it’s not about what u have or r wearing). U end up in prison. No more games movies and little tv. No more of all u know. Ur Still Innocent in that u still know almost nothing about the world. Not the evils or how to get along let alone u aren’t comfortable around people and can’t stand up for urself let alone speak up. U haven’t been involved in life enough even to be able to engage someone in conversation or be comfortable around people. Now ur reality is a prison full of rapists murderers and con artists. Now u end up locked in a cell with a rapist. He raped u. Now all of the sudden Lesson learned. people r evil  the world is full of evil life sucks and suicide attempts follow. Dead set intent fails more than once due to nothing more than chance despite an appropriate choice of method and plan because say a peddle falls off a bike when u r almost out of sight out of mind till it was too late.

Now I struggle through every day whishing I succeeded hoping for another good chance. Hoping life gets easy enough for me to stop having to struggle so hard just to get through what the rest of u call a normal day. Because even that is so hard for me not having any ability to deal with people or any real knowledge and having been through things that cause normal people to end up with PTSD. Mind you I have that label.