Is it normal for a middle aged man to cry like this?

It has been four months since I lost them.  Missed two birthday’s and the holidays and it gets worse and worse each day.  Like a knife inside of me that gets twisted a different way each day.  I hate getting up from the hour of sleep I do manage to get.  I hate seeing the sun, I hate seeing people happy on the streets, the couples smiling and holding hands and wondering why did I have to let mine go.

Missing her so much is an agony I cannot describe to anyone.  I cannot breathe much less move.  I am ready with a loaded weapon but yet I cannot seem to find the right time, or when I am strong enough to pull the trigger and I have fired so many weapons.  Some that would do 10x the damage of the one I have yet I am afraid of it.

I so want to tell her how sorry I am for ruining what we had and how I should of worked harder to keep her wanting me because she is all I ever needed and not having her has made life almost impossible.  It has no meaning.  I no longer go out.  I do not want to watch tv or sports anymore.  I sit and stare at the gun hoping it tells me it is ok and it is time to go.

I have done my research and know where to shoot.  I am sure I will not feel any pain and it will be over.  I am just so ready for it to be over.  Living without her and my children is an indescribable pain.  It is eating me alive and I am either going to wither away and die in misery or save myself the pain.

Where can I find the strength to end this.  Why am I continually tormenting myself when I have a way out.  I am so tired, so so tired.  Please let me go.  Just please let me go.