Where to begin?? Last August I had a complete mental breakdown. I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and PTSD. My wife and I were heavily into synethic marijuana. Almost every dollar we had went into it. I lost my job due to drug abuse and moved to another state to gain a better job. When I was away my wife began cheating on me. I was unaware of it till I had my breakdown. One fateful night I lost it all. I drove home and confronted my wife about everything. From the drugs to the bills and everything in between. I was distraught and confused and majorly suicidal. We had a major altercation. Some crazy things were said and done. When I left I grabbed her cellphone.
I drove to an abandoned cemetery in the middle of nowhere. I went through her phone and found a bunch of messages and photos and videos. The woman I loved and cherished was after another guy. I went and grabbed some things out of the trunk and tried to off myself. As I faded into the darkness I somehow hit the 911 feature on the phone. A sheriff and an ambulance arrived as I was fading away. They rushed me to the hospital and stabilized me. Under state law I was required to go into a rehab facility for treatment. I spent eight days locked away in this facility with drug users and alcoholics. I was in complete disarray.
When I was in the rehab and my doctor came and spoke to me about some felony charges. I was floored and in shock. My world was destroyed and now the nightmare continued. I completed my stint in rehab and promptly arrested for my alleged crimes. My first day in jail I was placed on suicide watch. I was stripped down and put into a tear proof gown and a tear proof blanket. I was placed in isolation and checked on every 15 minutes for three days. I went before a psychiatrist and had an evaluation done. I was then brought before a judge and extradited back to another state. That’s when all hell broke loose again. I was cuffed and shackled and chained up. They didn’t even read the charges. I ended up in isolation at another jail before being processed.
I was printed and photographed. Place in lovely orange pants and tshirt. I was clueless to what happened. I met with a judge and had a bond set. It was crazy high. Then a deputy told the pod what the charges were and why I was there. I was scared and alone and confused. I started to size up the facility to off myself. I found three different methods. I made preparations to go through with it and I had a visitor. It was my court appointed attorney. She clued me in to what happened that fateful night. I didn’t know what to say or do. She found out I tried to commit suicide. She said my best plan was to follow through with my original plan.
I was returned back to the pod. The other prisoners were asking what the charges were and if I did it. I said that I was not guilty and everything would come out in court. The next morning I made bail and have been out since. I’ve had numerous court dates and a new attorney. The state keeps delaying my case. They are waiting on state evidence to be processed.
I have been in constant mental health care and taking numerous medications. Since November I have been on a constant downward spiral. I have applied at numerous jobs and I can’t find one due to the court dates. I’m financially ruined. My car is broken and I can’t afford to fix it. I have strived to keep upbeat but I’m getting tired and worn out. I’ve lost my faith and all hope. My attorney is saying i could look at thirty years to life in prison and numerous fines.
I have devised a more efficient manner. I’m 37 and have made two families and lost both of them. My family isn’t talking to me. I have been disowned. I have tried to commit numerous times since and someone has intervened. I don’t know what to do anymore?? I know I didn’t hurt or kill anyone that night. Why is my life a living nightmare?