I lost my family this past year and everything that was me and was who I was died on that day. The people who were keeping me alive told me they did not want me around. The love of my life who I would have died for and did anything in the world for said it was over. My life essentially ended that day and the broken and empty shell that walks and types and talks today is a distant shell of who he once was.
Everything seems like patronizing now. No one knows my pain, they may have gone through similar pain but this pain that is killing me is meant for me. It is consuming me and taking me away mentally until I figure out it is time to pull the trigger to put the body down as the mind has already checked out.
I do not want things to get better as they were better with them. I am hoping the courage comes soon. I am hoping to leave the torment, the agony, the crying, the misery, the pain and the sadness here and hope I keep it from hurting anyone else.
I never thought loving someone would hurt so much, I never thought losing them would hurt even worse. I am mindless, thoughtless and loveless. I want out, I want rest but most of all I want peace.
I will love you always, if I cannot be with you in body, I hope I can be with you in spirit. AT least that is better than not being with you at all.
I am so sorry. I love you so much. Please forgive me.
5 comments
I know I can’t relate to you 100% in life experiences. But I can relate to you 100% in these feelings. We’ll have our peace one day, my friend. Your posts here are some of the ones that I make sure I read all of. Because I feel that we can relate on many levels in our situations. And I skulk around this site quite a bit lately. I hope we can both reach the destination that we desire.
I know I can’t relate to you 100% in life experiences. But I can relate to you 100% in these feelings. We’ll have our peace one day, my friend. Your posts here are some of the ones that I make sure I read all of. Because I feel that we can relate on many levels in our situations. And I skulk around this site quite a bit lately. I hope we can both reach the destination that we desire.
I heard a song by Hootie and the Blowfish called goodbye and this sort of just flowed from it. I am so hopeful that before superbowl I am having my remains prepped for my funeral.
Hearing ya, it was my parent that went after an awful illness 4 months ago. I was the carer, and it’s destroyed me. I had severe mental health issues even before that, and this has given a tsunamai. Taking it all into account I’m just hoping to pop myself very soon. It cant happen quick enough tbh. I want to be gone so badly. No tablets, no help just death. Gotta get my arse up to do it though, no ones gonna do it for me.
I alsmost had it last night, the booze, the sad songs, the depression, it all hit at once. I almost found the courage to do it and then I fell alseep. I am hoping tonight I am not as unfortunate.