To begin with everyone has a horror story about growing up or life seems difficult to them. This isn’t like that, I’ve had my horrors growing up some typical some different but I don’t struggle because of them rather they are just extra things to overcome.
First u have how I started life. simply put I didn’t live or learn, let alone learn to socialize. Instead I was so involved with gaming movies and TV that they were all I knew. I mean all I knew. I didn’t even know my own father mother or brother despite living in the same house. I knew nothing not favorite colors what they liked to do birthdays nothing all till I was around 30 and I still don’t naturally think about it today at 32. Even today it’s not a normal thought for me to pick up the phone and call mom or dad or my brother. I love them. Why isn’t that normal for me at least for my mom who I have nothing against really. Holidays most of them I don’t know are near until I hear someone mention them or see a store with ,say, Valentine’s stuff out. And Social knowledge forget about it. I don’t have a clue so even if I get the notion and know were to go I won’t be anything more than essentially a fly on the wall. Listening watching hopeing to be able to engage in a way that to me seems like a never going to happen to me or to remember something so in the future I can actually get involved instead of just being there feeling like a third-party. Simply put I’m severely debilitated socially or about most anything in the world so I can’t really even give any potential friends meaningful conversation. Then u have the bad treatment of my peers growing up because I didn’t act or interact normally and last but not least there is that I got beat as a child and oh yeah I got frustrated with life and trying to live acted up ended up in prison and got raped. I was still ( as many psych tests had shown) very innocent and nieve no better than a young child at 19. I still believed in magic, still pretending, and still daydreaming. Rape, murder, etc. Didn’t exist to me I hadn’t yet realized those evils existed. And then I went to prison to deal with rapists murderers con artists in person and concentrated into a small area. And oh yes I suffered. Before that was all through I had been raped by one pestered by many others and molested by a few mostly because of my own inability to avoid it or say no. I know I could have just been straight forward and avoided some of it at least. Don’t get me wrong I know it wasn’t my fault is the first thing u will want to say fine, they chose to do that to me but I even had a direct undeniable attempt by the one who raped me and after he backed off seeing my passive resistance I still blatantly knowing and having a free and clear as day chance to get away didn’t. Because I couldn’t make myself interact with others let alone when something like that is involved to get myself seperated. I was innocent and nieve still so I didn’t have any fear of reprimanded and believed I’d b fine if I tryed. So u see. I let it happen. And the molestation in prison also happened because “I” couldn’t say no I don’t want this go away leave me alone. I know there was no guarantee they would have listened but I imagine some of them would have backed off . I didn’t feel like they would force it. Growing up I didn’t know my own parents as I’ve said but I do remember moments. Some good but the strongest memories are things like a chart on the fridge where Everytime I did something wrong an x would be placed and at the end of the day when dad got home each x would equal a hit with the belt. You can imagine I’m sure how those x,s can add up. 10 20 100. A hit for every one and if u put ur hands in the way u start over. All this came together to form a person who not only has no ability to get involved in life and with people but now who doesn’t want to. I have to learn from a kindergarten child’s point how to get along in an adults world after suffering rape and molestation while still a child in mind and knowledge being beat by parents and being cruelly rebuked by peers partly due to my own actions intent on being part of the group Meanwhile I don’t even want to live. It’s like waiting for a tree to grow from a seed while wanting to die and suffering all the while.Suicide isn’t a question for me it’s just when I get lucky enough to get away with it. It will happen I’m not just another person playing poor me.