Kindness. I aspire to give it, but hate receiving it. It’s hard to discern kindness from pity. Many times they are intertwined. Receiving kindness to of pity.
How do yo pay back kindness or earn it? I sit something to be earned. What could I ever possibly do to repay it? I could work for her company and work my best at making her happy, but she would still be around me. What I could really do to repay kindness is remove myself from needing it in the first place. Remove myself from her life and her happiness so she may continue to live her happy life.
I must remove myself from the equation for her sake t repay her kindness and show her that I am not selfish and I will not take advantage of her like that. I will not allow myself to take advantage of her kindness, so instead I will remove myself either by running away, or killing myself. It’s for the best that I no longer be around.
2 comments
well…
the thing is, people’s kindness is very rarely 100% altruistic.
I don’t mean that she is selfish, but that being kind to you, even you “needing” her kindness, may make her feel better too. i of course do not know the specifics of your situation, but just from personal experience, i can say that you shouldn’t assume that someone is burdened by caring for you, often it is quite to the contrary…they might even *need* to feel that they care for someone.
Killing yourself/running away will likely hurt her a lot more than you think. after all if she helps you, then she must a. care for you in some way, and b. find that doing so is *not* contrary to living her “happy life,” it may in fact be a part of it …
not to mention that running away/suicide is an inappropriate response even if you *are* in fact being a burden — there are ways to remove yourself from the situation, or to change your approach, without going to such extreme lengths
idk. these are just my thoughts. i may be completely off the mark since i don’t know much of the context.
also…what is it that she has done for you … such that you find it almost impossible to repay?
Kindness can sometimes only be repaid by paying it forward. BE kind, in YOUR own way, when the opportunity presents itself. Do what you need to do in this situation. Take care of you, you aren’t responsible for another’s happiness. But then again, I’m suicidal so therefore by society’s standards incredibly selfish, so don’t take MY advice.