Funerals

I have been battling depression ever since I was 13. Over the years I have been in and out of a variety of therapies and treatment methods. I spent a lot of time when I was younger in group therapy and I became close to many of the people who I saw consistently. As time went on, people would bring in other friends and our little group grew. There was a time when we were growing faster than we were killing ourselves, and I took comfort in the support network.

We stopped growing, and now all that is left is death. I switched my phone number about two years ago, but kept my old number as well as a way to keep in contact with my group. This phone sits on my desk and I check it when I wake up, get home from work, and right before I go to bed. I keep the ringer as loud as possible to ensure I know the instant it goes off. It never rings with good news though, it is always a signal for a gathering.

Tonight it rang, and I found out my friend Kelly is dead. Kelly was the girl who welcomed me to a group when I was 15 and just out of the hospital from my first serious attempt. She was the one who always told me to stay positive and that the only true failure is death. She was the first girl I ever truly loved, my first real girlfriend. We lost our virginities to each other when we graduated high school, a point we didn’t expect to hit when we first met. Kelly was the person who I could call at my lowest points, and she would listen as I vented or cried, and I would do the same for her.

Over the years I have attended almost every funeral of a member of my support network. Partly to check-in with everyone who was still alive, but mainly because it was the only time I could see Kelly again and we would remember the good things about our dear departed friend. Now she has departed, and I am left alone. And for the first time in my life, I am afraid of attending a funeral. I don’t want to know what method she used, or if she suffered. I don’t want to try and be strong, or break down in front of strangers. I don’t know how I am going to deal with this loss, as she was the one who always helped me through the others. Most of all, I wonder why she didn’t call me. And all I can do is cry.