And trust me, I am sinking. It is not the end for me yet and thankfully religion/spirituality/the supernatural has given me something more to hold onto, but if I am being completely honest with myself, I cannot see myself suffering another decade.
God knows I have fought tooth and nail for my entire life. I get up and dust myself back off, but I’m in my early 30s and it’s like every one is passing me by. I am not socially acceptable with all these mental illnesses. I’m forever the outcast.
Yesterday, my younger pregnant cousin got married. As you know, it was Valentine’s Day. Ugh. Of course I didn’t go, but guess what? I have her baby shower to look forward to in March! OH JOY! I don’t give a shit about babies or marriage, but it feels like I’m unlovable and doomed to be alone. I will get through the motions the best I can, but my future does not look bright.
People on here baffle me, struggling to find a way to die and buying books on it. Are you kidding me? There’s an epidemic going on right in front of your face that is easy to order from China. Only a couple grams and lights out finally! I will have some on hand for the future because God forbid I become homeless or some other situation more uncomfortable than what I already go through, no thanks.
As Elliott Smith said:
“The only thing is that you really tried.
This is not my life,
It’s just a fond farewell to a friend.”
8 comments
What kind of an epidemic. There are many here who have lost money to scammers to buy from a reliable source. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds from the mouths of some people like you. I can very much relate to your post here. Though I am younger than you. Religion spirituality if it wasnt for them I wud have switched myself off long long back. I myself cannot see myself suffer for another 12 months it’s gotten so bad.
There are countless people selling the stuff on the internet but sp troop has trusted many and bam! Failed. It is too much regulated now I just read somewhere that it’s much harder to get hold of it than it was before..ya kno.
Yeah I’m very iffy about buying these types of items online, to me, there is no such thing as an “easy way out” and plus it raises suspicions and is a very lucrative buy.
Whyskyend : Yeah ofcourse 🙂
I think I know what type of method you’re talking about and yes, people have been scammed with that. However, I am talking about what is being used to lace heroin with these days. I don’t want to exactly name it, but it’s well known. People are dropping like flies because they think they’re doing heroin, but it’s the other thing I won’t name. Doesn’t seem too hard to find.
Or maybe we’re talking about the same thing. I just see people all the time able to get it from a reliable source and it should be banned actually, but at least after I get some first. Haha
Finding a way to die was not the issue with me…..just deciding the way. I am horrible at making choices anymore. I wasn’t always like that and honestly, I’m not sure when it totally kicked in, but I truly hate it when people look at me and ask me what I want to eat or what I want to do. Because I still don’t want on that way and my mind begins to race all the options I’m plenty aware of but I just struggle with reason to choose. But far too many people have been ripped off from order situations. I wouldn’t be able to trust anything like that especially coming out of China.
lol tell me about it, I get pressured daily about making money, what to eat, what to do with my life, choices to make, I’m always questioned from family, friends and even tons of strangers about what I want to do with my life. I think just thinking about my future, and the fact that I make terrible choices is enough to want to put a shotgun in my mouth.
Any choice is overwhelming when you are not in the right state of mind or feeling miserable. It’s too draining. The only reason I bother to get out of bed now is to help my grandmother. She needs medicine and I have to make her food. I’ve been doing that every day since she had surgery. That’s the only fucking reason I get up and even that is taking its toll.
Romance really did give me an extra boost at one point, but that went to crap and I honestly don’t have the energy for dating anyway. Not even an F-Buddy. I really don’t trust men at this point. That’s another story…