I was wondering what I need to say and how to say what needs to be said to all my friends.
Cause this will be my last time talking to them. I do not want to leave this place we call life with them wondering if they was the cause of my death.
Would someone be kind enough to help me?
26 comments
That’s a difficult situation. I mean, anything you say to them might alert them and foil your plans, but how do you say something meaningful without making it meaningful? (can’t find the right words but i guess you get the point). I’d just try to spend some nice times with them so they realize they are important and i’d be clear about my motives on letters adressed to specifical people (plus a general “for everyone” letter) or something like that. People are still going to wonder if they’re to blame, but imho you can’t do much more than that.
I’ve tried to end my life 2 times because I felt my life had gotten out of control and not going where I wanted it to. I consider myself a kind and caring person, but didn’t consider leaving any note. I know that most people fail to understand what makes people do these things. Instead of worrying about writing a note, I’d rather you contact me. I’d share my experiences with you and listen to everything you had to say. I’ve got plenty of time, I’m retired, and would spend all day talking to you if I needed to. Life in this world is very hard, especially if you have a kind heart and are sensitive to the pain of others. I’m here in the memory of a 17 year old girls who had a kind heart, she raised and trained 4 seeing eye dogs. I’ve visited her grave a few times and yesterday found out she took her live. I never knew her, but am deeply saddened. I’m reaching out to you in her name. You’re not forgotten.
These are the sweetest, most sincere words I’ve read in a long time, 4Emma. . . .
Thank you. If always try to help others when I can. I think that helping to save a life is the greatest thing one can possibly do. I know some of the thoughts that run through one’s mind when contemplating suicide, I’ve been there. Knowing someone else cares is very important. My daughter was there for me and helped me for a few days.
Wait, so you’re here in the name of a young girl you never knew?
What’s your deal?
I’m 63 and ever since I was small wanted a sister, never got one. I’ve spent my whole life looking for people like me, I consider myself a good person … kind and considerate to a fault. I found out about someone a town away, she was 19 years old and was murdered while away at college by her ex. She was the kindest person I ever heard of and she represented what I was searching for, someone like me. I also just had my wife divorce me after 29 years of marriage … because of our son. I looked after Emily’s grave for over 7 years and saw the world through different eyes, started walking through cemeteries. One day I came across Emma’s grave, I righted and watered some flowers that someone left, but fell over. It was on May 5th … her birthday. She was a kind, sweet soul that raised 4 seeing eye dogs. I didn’t realize how she had died until last week. I read that someone was participating in a walk in her name … to benefit the AFSP. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, I was totally floored and can’t stop thinking about her. I left a candle at her grave yesterday.
Most people do not leave notes.
Only you know your heart and your circumstances enough to craft one.
The fact that you are unable to find the words, is an indicator that there is a part of you seeking to find and answer an unresolved issue or question or simply a desire to actually live and feel and share and experience, just not right here an right now,
Maybe take a rest from note making and imagine vistas to explore or hearts to hold or art to make.
This is a simple one. Lets start off by asking, “Are they responsible for your Suicidal Attempt?”
You could make this the Overriding Thesis of your “Suicide Note.”
Also, stop to appreciate, this isn’t the last time your friends will hear from you, but the last time you’ll have to talk to anyone period. At least from this life.
Do you believe in the afterlife?
Because you’ll be picking up from whatever you write on your “Suicide Note.”
That’s what people check first.. Hope this helps.
If I were the one reading it, I would want to know this:
1. That If you and I had the chance to do everything we could to find a way for you to live a fulfilling life.
2. If you were at peace with your decision
3. That you knew that I loved you and vice versa
4. That you didn’t blame anyone for this and that no one is to blame
5. That it is something you’d thought through and not just some momentary despair
Peace to you. I saw you post elsewhere and I believe you have resolved to do this. God speed.
That pretty much describes my mom’s suicide note to a T.
My suicide note shall remain, “All the cash is buried near a tree at AaAGGGgghhHHhhh!”
Sorry, SSmith, but I am stealing that! Yes I am! You can’t stop me!
If I were the one reading it, I would want to know this:
1. That If you and I had the chance to do everything we could to find a way for you to live a fulfilling life.
2. If you were at peace with your decision
3. That you knew that I loved you and vice versa
4. That you didn’t blame anyone for this and that no one is to blame
5. That it is something you’d thought through and not just some momentary despair
Peace to you. I saw you post elsewhere and I believe you have resolved to do this. God speed.
I would like to just know a reason why. A detailed explanation. My best friend killed himself and called me right before doing so with no other information beyond where I would find his body.
I will give you my life history on who I am and why I feel am broken.
It will be a long story if I told you but really don’t want to take up all your reading time. I even have documents to show but dont know how the mods would feel about me posting them.
IWillKillMyselfIn2017 If you so ask for a reason and a detailed explanation why I feel that I must do what I will do I can answer you. But its not gona be a short post and again I do not want to take up all your time.
Like I posted before, I’ve got all the time in the world to talk with you … but mostly to listen to you. I’ve got quite a life story too, most people have no idea what some are going through or just can’t be bothered … because things are good in their lives. I’d be more than happy top talk with you for as long as you need to. I’ve also been where you are at two points in my life.
As a first step, here’s my e-mail: apendjurin@aol.com
Wow… AOL? You ARE old! ?
Share your story, man.
I will give you my life history on who I am and why I feel am broken. I am 52 years old I am single never been married and I have no kids. I had just 1 girlfriend in my life she died of cancer 2 years later. I dont connect with people I pretty much stay to myself. So making friends is something thats very hard for me. Cause once I find them they die, move away, or we have a falling out.
As a little boy at the age of 3 -4 I remember the man who called himself my father beatin my mother. I tried to stop him from hurting her i tried to bite him on the leg. He kicked me so hard i went flying across the room and when I woke up my mother screaming you killed my son. I was so afraid of what just happen I was not able to cry nor talk. All i wanted was to be away from the pain I was feeling. That was the first time I ever hated anyone. My mother was not the best mother but she did love us. What I mean by us is I have 5 brothers and 1 sister all from diff men. My mother had botfriends and did use drugs alot and she got drunk. I remember many times she would be passed out and us kids had to defend for our self I remember them passing me diff knds of food to taste if it taste good thats what we had to eat for the night. We all played in the other room so we would not wake mother up. We knew if we did we get our ass beat. When the so called father was away driving his 18 wheeler my mother would see her boyfriends to make money to feed us. I would go with my mother to meet them cause she knew I would not say nothing to anyone about what she was doing. But there was 1 time I remember my mother being raped and also beat the police took her to the hospital while the police kept me and was asking me questions about what happen. When my so called father found out he was not happy he knew that I knew what happen he tried to force it out of me and my sister. I was the type of kid who would not talk much around people and it was hard to get me to cry. However my sister she was the kind who would cry over stuff. I remember him putting us in 2 diff corners with books on our heads and if the books dropped we get a beating. My sisters books fell and my so called father kicked her in the back so hard that she broke her nose. then later he raped her and told her if she told he would killed out dog. I carry the guilt for not telling to this day and it plays a part on why I can not find a girlfriend. At the age of 5 my mother found out that she was dieing of cancer. This is when they was a sudden change in my live. My mother asked me to comb her hair and she looked at me through the mirror and told me to look at her and said this to me. Loook at me Rodney Im dieing you will never get to see me again. I didnt really know what death was but did know I would not see her again. One day after that she took my 5 brothers to a city that I know now and I even know the street and what side of the street the house was on. It was a house with alot of kids of all ages. I was not allowed to play with them but my brothers was. Little did I know it was an adoption agency and that was the last time I would see my brothers. My sister was in school at the time when she came home she asked me where our brothers was I said I didnt know that mother took them to a house and left them. I was not really close to them like I was with my sister and my mother. Soon after that the so called father sister took me to live with her. If it couldnt get any worse it did it was a nightmare from hell. The so called aunt talked bad about my mother and sister. She would play head games with me asking me who i loved the most after she gave me candy and toys. My responce was my mother and sister I love them the most. At this time I just started first grade. Around that time she was getting a divorce and took her child to a child psychologist. While they was in the room I stayed in the waiting room but I put my ear up to the door to hear what they was talking about. The so called aunt ask if I would ever forget my mother and sister. Thats when they came out of the room and the doc asked me a few questions and looked at her and said no. I was a very slow learner when it came to school didnt make friends and got picked on alot. I got into fights all the time cause I was different. Every time i would get into a fight I would get a beating at home. I remember once I was beat with a belt I had welts left from the beating and was kept home. The so called aunt called the school and said I was sick. When she left to work I walked to school and showed everyone and told them what had happen. From that point most of the other kids did’nt pick on me knowing my home life was diff then theirs. I did show 1 teacher the marks on my body I could see in her face that she was shocked. I cried for her not to say nothing to anyone cause if it got back to the so called aunt I would get worse beating. The beatings got so bad I guess cause I never cried when it happen nor would I scream. All I thought about was the pain my mother and sister went through. When i turned 15 I took a stand and told the so called ant if she put one hand on me I would crush her face. She tried to back hand me with her diamond ring on her finger. If she did back hand me it would have cut my face. Around this same time my so called father was married to this lady who I loved and thought so highly of who I could sit down to talk to about any thing. I went to stay with her and went to high school while I was there. My stepmother and the so called father was having problems and the so falled father told me to move back to his sisters house I said no that I rather die and go to hell beofre I go back there. He got on the next flight back to where I was. When he got there he grabed me by my hair and tried to kick my feet out from under me. I knew better then to fall cause he would stomp me like he did to my mother and my stepmother. This man out weighed me by 200 pounds and he hit me 4 times in the head the last one took me off my feet and i landed into the stove and broke the door and the glass on the stove door. I got back up on my feet and begged that he dont kill me I peed on my self and was shaking so bad uncontrollably I was hit in the ear 3 of the times and could not hear out of 1 side. The man said for me to go to my room so I did. i did get my stepbrother to get me 2 bucher knifes so if I was gona get a beating I could at least defend myself. That night I found my stepmothers sleeping pills and other pills so I took them all the next morning they tried to wake me up i was limp and didnt come to. I woke up in the hospital with IV in my hand and the dr had this stuff he used to wake me up that stink. I was half asleep the next time I woke up the man who hurt me was standing at the foot of my bed. I screamed and pulled out the IV. When the nurse came running into the room I told them to get him out of my room he was there to kill me. Blood was leaking from the thing in my hand and was all over the room so I was taken to a diff room and tied down to the bed. I was taken to a room where the nurse could see who came into my room. 2 maybe 3 days later I was taken to a child crazy house where I spent 5 long months. I ran way 2 times when they let us out on the grounds and to go eat. Then I broke out of the place by going through the celing that time I walked 25 miles to my stepmothers house. Cause the police was looking for me she got a motel room so we could talk. She talked me into going back and said thet she could face jail time for being with her. the crazy house said I could not see her or talk to her over the phone. I told the staff if I go back to the so called aunt that I would end up hurting her or I would end up killing her brother. He always said to me as a child I bring you into this world and I can take you out of this world. so with that said to me he was a threat. Well the state took me away from them and told both if they ever lay a hand on me they will sit under the jail house. When I got out of the halfway house I was about to turn 16 so I was placed in a home for abused kids of all ages from little babies to kids my age. It was ran by the state I stayed there for placement into a childrens home. When they was an opening I was placed there. Life got no better there I was picked on by the bigger kids and had to fight. Being that I was being bullied all my life I got good at fighting I hurt one of the big bullies there so bad that I was gona be sent to a place called YDC also called Youth Development Center its a prison for kids and I knew so friends who had been there. So I ranaway and went to Detroit to live on the streets. Running away from home was not a new thing for me I was 10 years old when I first ranways from home. The hardest thing was not being able to eat. I remember I ranaway once stayed gone over the week end and went to school on Monday and the poilce was there and called me out of my class that was the last time I went to school after I ran away. I stayed in Detroit to the day I turned 18 then I came back to my home town. I had to relearn how to live on my own cause in Detroit I was in a gang and in numbers you have safety. Gang life was fun at first but when you see friends get jail time and friends dieing you always wonder when your number will be up. I did go to jail in Detroit and I have a warrant for my arrest there if I ever go back. Now back in my hometown I was back on the streets no job no money I was lucky to eat 4-5 times in a week. I did find a side job but never did find a great place to call home and one winter the temps dropped below 0 it was like 18 below for like a week. All I had was like 30 moving quilts made of wool. I would make the mistake and sleep with them over my head and the moisture made the cold worse when I would walk to work. At and around this time I got to know this lady and she took a liking to me we dated for a few weeks i always went to her house so one day she wanted to see where I lived. I was ashamed to let her know that i had no home it was a uhaul trailer in a junkyard. I did take here there one night to show her where I called home being that she had feelings for me she cried and told me that I had a home and it was with her. She said she didn’t care about money and that she had stuff around the house for me to do to help pay my way. A week later I moved in with her I really thought I was gona live my life out being happy. She told me one night that she was dieing of liver cancer and she had 3-5 years to live. She said if you just want to be friends its ok but not to fall inlove with her but I was already inlove with her. I guess it was cause she reminded me of my mother what I could not give to my mother I gave to my girlfriend. Before she died she did everyting to push me away but that didnt work I stayed there to the end. I went into a deep grieving cause of my only love in the world has left me I stopped eating for a few weeks and I was to week to walk anywhere so I cut my wrest and was found the next mornng and was rushed to the hospital where I got over 80 stitches and was kept there for a few weeks. When I ate I got sick and it came back up took a few days for me to keep food down. If I had the gun that I have on layaway now I would have used it then. After I got out of the hospital I moved all my stuff back to the uhaul trailer lived there for 1 more year. The next winter was as cold as the last one But at this time I turned to drinking and doing what drugs I could find to numb my feeling and mind. I went on a drug run and ran into a old friend he dropped me off to where I was stayin. He said look bro its cold you can come to my place for the winter and stay but you got to stop the drinking and the drugs so I did. I been here for 27 years have a job making money but found out that I have lung cancer. I made friends and I made enemies and I pissed off many of my neigbors. Im sick of them using me for what they can get from me when I am in need they never have the time. So I waste my time playing a FB war game where I already pissed off the game staff members to the point I was put on a prison map. See I got really good at this game and I never coined like the others who spent 10K -35K on that silly game. I am one of the top 10 good fighters of this whole game. This game took my mind off my cancer and my thoughts of suicide but now that I have a void in my life the thoughts are back. All through my life I have thought about suicide I know better then say something to anyone. I told a Dr once how I felt once and the next morning the law was knocking at my door and took me off the the crazy house. So talking to anyone I know in real time is a big no no been there done that. I don’t know if my past plays into why I have maybe at best 3 friends and none knows how I feel. But my room mate is not to happy that I have a .357 on layaway we have been fighing over it and that said if I buy it that I have to move. So when I get the gun out of layaway he gona kick me out of the house. When he at work I will call the Salvation Army to come get my stuff so he dont have to deal with it. Just like my mother and my girlfriend I will push the ones who are close to away from me. All I really have left to do is write a letter and wait to get my layaway paid.
Damn. That’s one hell of a story and I’m glad that you let it out, it’s one hell of a heavy burden to carry. I’m just about speechless. Compared to most people, my life sucked and currently does … but what you’ve been through and are going through is an incredible thing to bear. You may want to let some of your best friends know how you feel, doing it here was a big first step. Keeping stuff like that in isn’t good at all, I’ve kept stuff to myself my entire life. It just becomes all-consuming and you feel like no one cares to the point where you see no sense in anything anymore. I’ve been there once like that on the evening of Dec. 25, 2016. I bought some heavy clear plastic hose at The Home Depot and hooked it up to the exhaust and into my van’s back vent window … taping it there and using sponges to seal it at the exhaust pipe. I sat in there for about 15 minutes and nothing happened. I have a son that lives with me and me staying out in the car for too long would have would made him come outside. Besides, my van’s muffler has a leak in it. I went inside. I was seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, told the therapist a few days later and she told my daughter. My daughter came over and tried to do everything she could to help me. If you keep it in and don’t tell anyone, there isn’t anyone that can help you. I won’t get into my life, because it’s been great compared to yours. Let me just say my parents tried to kill themselves when I was about 7 and my brothers and I ended up in 2 children’s homes. One weekend my father whisked us away to NYC from Philadelphia and he messed my head up from the years of living with him. Lately I’ve found that keeping yourself busy and doing things that you like are the best things to do to keep your mind off of things. Talking with other people and sharing your experiences and feelings is also very important, otherwise you feel all alone and worthless to anyone. I’m very willing to talk with you by phone. I’m now 63 and retired, have all the time in the world and can talk until the battery in my cordless phone runs out of juice. If you send me an e-mail, I’ll send you my phone number. I’d be more than glad to tell you my story … I’ve also never told it to anyone. Don’t ever feel that you’re alone, forgotten or no one cares. There are people that care, maybe not too many … but there are some. I really hope you contact me, I think we could both help each other. Take care and hope to hear from you, if you do just let me know what your e-mail is so it doesn’t end up in the junk folder or get labeled as spam.
This thread is just what I needed today. My life is a bed of thornless roses on a cool summer day with free HBO. Thank you for reminding me.
Just wanted you to know that I was sent an e-mail by “The forgotten”. We’ve kept in touch and are now also friends on Facebook. It’s helping us both a great deal. He’s the most important friend that I have and share our deepest thoughts with each other. No one has to be forgotten. Living is sometimes very hard and we need to find ways to cope as best we can.
… and you’re welcome.
Forgotten:
I am thankful you shared your story. No one should have to go through any of the the things you endured. Glad you found us. You survived a lot of stuff that would’ve destroyed most people.
Your friends sound wonderful and deep. I hope that the afterlife, whenever it should come, is as kind to you as this world was cruel.
Again, thanks for sharing your story. You are a brave man.
Thank you for letting me join and to tell my story. and also thank you for being a friend.
I’m glad you told your story. I’m very glad to be your friend, you’re very important to me. Your friendship gives my life great purpose.