So here I am. Unable to sleep (I mean what else is new) and alone with my racing thoughts. In about an hour, it will be midnight. It will be my ex boyfriends birthday. I sent him a card in the mail yesterday, with a very kind message in it, but now that I’m thinking about it, I regret it so much.
All I ever do is let people walk over me. I let them treat me like shit, I let them use me, I let them do whatever the fuck they want cause I’m such a pushover. For that last month my boyfriend and I were dating, he didn’t even care. All he did was string me along and enjoyed the sight of my body. I guess I did myself a good thing dumping him, but now why am I being kind again?
You see, my problem is I have no self confidence. My self esteem. None. If there could be a rock bottom in term of self esteem, I would’ve hit it by now. And I guess that’s why I let people walk all over me as if I’m a fucking door mat. I mean I hate myself already, might as well let others do what they want so they don’t hate me too, right? Right. It’s a fucked up way of thinking, but I think we’ve learned by now we all have these issues in some way, shape, or form.
And so since I have no self confidence, I also can’t say no. Do you need me to stay up until 03:00 to help you with physics? Do you want to talk to me for hours on the phone cause you had a bad day? Even though, I have my own shit to do. You bet I will. Because how could I ever refuse someone. I can’t. That’s my problem. So here I am trying to please everyone except myself. I keep telling myself “maybe if I get this grade” or “maybe if I score at hockey tonight” or “maybe if I go shoping” these things will make me feel better. Except, they don’t.
So then my brain, it does this thing, where it just cycles all the bad shit and makes me run myself dry because all I want to do is please others. If I can’t pleas myself, I might as well please others.
So back to my ex, why did I write such a nice message? Because I wish someone did that to me. It would mean the absolute world if someone did, but of course, no one would. No one has. Because we might be over but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the best for him? And yet, I find myself doing this with everyone. My ex really doesn’t deserve any nice gestures from me, but here I am trying to make him feel good.
I will do anything to make people feel good so they never have to feel like how I do. Maybe that’s why I let people walk over me. Treat me like shit. As long as it makes them feel better, I guess that means that that’s my purpose in life. One hell of a shitty purpose it is. Which cycles me back into me feeling shittier, and more suicidal, and slipping away into darkness I try so hard to avoid….
I wish I didn’t think like this. I wish my mind was normal. I wish I could change it all. I wish I could get away from myself. Why is the one thing we want to escape so badly, we can’t?