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My name is door mat, feel free to walk over me

by beautifulsinner

So here I am. Unable to sleep (I mean what else is new) and alone with my racing thoughts. In about an hour, it will be midnight. It will be my ex boyfriends birthday. I sent him a card in the mail yesterday, with a very kind message in it, but now that I’m thinking about it, I regret it so much.
All I ever do is let people walk over me. I let them treat me like shit, I let them use me, I let them do whatever the fuck they want cause I’m such a pushover. For that last month my boyfriend and I were dating, he didn’t even care. All he did was string me along and enjoyed the sight of my body. I guess I did myself a good thing dumping him, but now why am I being kind again?
You see, my problem is I have no self confidence. My self esteem. None. If there could be a rock bottom in term of self esteem, I would’ve hit it by now. And I guess that’s why I let people walk all over me as if I’m a fucking door mat. I mean I hate myself already, might as well let others do what they want so they don’t hate me too, right? Right. It’s a fucked up way of thinking, but I think we’ve learned by now we all have these issues in some way, shape, or form.
And so since I have no self confidence, I also can’t say no. Do you need me to stay up until 03:00 to help you with physics? Do you want to talk to me for hours on the phone cause you had a bad day? Even though, I have my own shit to do. You bet I will. Because how could I ever refuse someone. I can’t. That’s my problem. So here I am trying to please everyone except myself. I keep telling myself “maybe if I get this grade” or “maybe if I score at hockey tonight” or “maybe if I go shoping” these things will make me feel better. Except, they don’t.
So then my brain, it does this thing, where it just cycles all the bad shit and makes me run myself dry because all I want to do is please others. If I can’t pleas myself, I might as well please others.
So back to my ex, why did I write such a nice message? Because I wish someone did that to me. It would mean the absolute world if someone did, but of course, no one would. No one has. Because we might be over but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the best for him? And yet, I find myself doing this with everyone. My ex really doesn’t deserve any nice gestures from me, but here I am trying to make him feel good.
I will do anything to make people feel good so they never have to feel like how I do. Maybe that’s why I let people walk over me. Treat me like shit. As long as it makes them feel better, I guess that means that that’s my purpose in life. One hell of a shitty purpose it is. Which cycles me back into me feeling shittier, and more suicidal, and slipping away into darkness I try so hard to avoid….

I wish I didn’t think like this. I wish my mind was normal. I wish I could change it all. I wish I could get away from myself. Why is the one thing we want to escape so badly, we can’t?


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a1957 2/19/2017 - 11:58 pm

“Why is the one thing we want to escape so badly, we can’t?” !!! That is the question of the day. One thought is getting a therapist to teach you strong boundaries so that you only say yes to requests that are truly reasonable, not doormat stuff. Of course, I don’t know if this people pleasing behavior is the tip of a much bigger iceberg…but yes some healthy boundaries could make your life a little easier. Life’s a ***** but keep writing when you feel the need.

beautifulsinner 2/20/2017 - 11:19 am

Thank you. I agree, I’m supposed to start therapy in march since there’s a long wait list where I live, but soon enough it’ll happen

anhedonic apathy 2/20/2017 - 2:54 am

People are selfish. They will do as little as they have to do to get what they want. It sounds like you make it pretty obvious to people that you will do whatever they want, and they don’t really have to do anything for you in return. So you just end up surrounding yourself with selfish people that take advantage of you. We are always told “treat people the way you want to be treated” which never works in the real world. That just leads to you feeling used and unhappy. You try to do things to please people with the assumption that they will reciproacte. They don’t though and that makes you bitter and resentful.

You are right though. It is all about your low self esteem. I think a lot of times with low self esteem you become a doormat for people as a way of overcompensating. You find yourself unworthy and feel like you aren’t good enough. So you feel like people can’t actually like you just for yourself. That you have to do all this extra stuff to make them happy, so they will be your friend. Kind of buying their attention/affection in a way. Not buying it with money but with all the extra time and effort and work you put into trying to please them. You feel like that is the only reason they would want to be your friend. This just leads to you having a bunch of selfish assholes as “friends”.

WhySkyEnd 2/20/2017 - 9:20 am

Yup, people are selfish. In a way everyone is a narcissist. That whole, “treat others how you want to be treated” crap couldn’t be farther from the truth of how this world works. You treat others kindly? Doesn’t matter, they’ll walk all over you like a dog. Especially if you have low self esteem, which I do, and people just walk over me and step on me without even caring.

beautifulsinner 2/20/2017 - 11:42 am

People are selfish and honestly it just seems like no matter how hard I try I can’t ever find someone who likes me for me. I mean I don’t even like myself so why should they

Dpt59kasd 2/20/2017 - 4:31 am

Thankyou for sharing beautiful sinner, it may be of little or no consequence but I appreciate you and the things you do. Maybe you don’t see it but someone notices your selflessness and is just a little happier that there are people in this world that aren’t 100% self absorbed. Be well

beautifulsinner 2/20/2017 - 11:44 am

Thank you. This means a lot to hear. I haven’t found one single person yet who appreciates me for what I do

wanted85 2/20/2017 - 10:52 am

I feel you. I am exactly the same way. And my ex did dirty to me we broke up mutually well I knew he didn’t want to date any more so i broke things off. And I tell people I’m ok with it. I’m not it hurts it breaks me but I won’t tell anyone cause i Don’t want anyone to worry about me. A friend could stab me in the back and I’d remove the knife and give it back to them to use again and again. I just can’t be mean. And have always and will always let people walk all over me

beautifulsinner 2/20/2017 - 11:46 am

That’s exactly what happened with me too. I knew he wasn’t feeling it and I was just like okay whatever I really need to focus on myself right now and I can’t have someone like him holding me down so I broke up with him. But yeah it does still hurt and I tell people the same thing that it was mutual which it was and that I’m okay… but I’m not. I’m just like you, people can stab me in the back and it’s okay do it again, do it three times, I’m okay with it. I’m sick of being treated like shit but I don’t have the courage or strength or even confidence to stand up for myself

wanted85 2/20/2017 - 12:09 pm

It’s one of those things that’s hard to change. And it kills me cause I care so much and people see that and abuse it. It’s a never ending circle

Dpt59kasd 2/20/2017 - 10:14 pm

You don’t have to stand up for your self sinner,…. I wish I could be more like you. When I’m slighted I get mad, I retaliate, I write people off and take joy in ignoring them when they want something in the future. But much like you these things don’t actually make me feel better. I feel like everyone hates me and would be happier if I just went into the woods one day and never came out (a fantasy of mine)
I wish I could be more like Jeasus and “turn the other cheek” maintain the moral high ground and be satisfied with knowing I’m a better person for it.
Maybe there is some middle ground between us that we both would be happier living in. Just a few of my rambling thoughts

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