The calm before

I have made the decision, again. Not tonight, but soon. Somehow it beings me calmness, knowing it will all be over soon. I think of the people I run into – friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers – and how these will be my last interactions.

I am tired of struggling. I am no slave but I don’t feel free. I’ve struggled for so long and I don’t want to fight anymore. Strangely this brings me some peace… I have stopped crying for hours. Instead I am calm and calculating. The tears may come back but for now, I am holding on to my secret like a companion, feeling some relief for the first time in a while. It will all be over soon. It will be over soon. Early next week, maybe Monday or Tuesday.

Of course, as someone with no access to firearms or hanging locations, my stockpiled antidepressants and anticonvulsants (5+ grams each) may not prove effective. But I feel the desire, the urge to stop this terrible pain, and know that I have to try. If I fail, as I have so often, and wake up, I will go to the psych ward, which though prison like has its own peace. To die or to get help until I try again. At least action is better than suffering.

Things are calm and still now, I no longer care about day to day concerns. It feels so soothing to know the suffering will not last forever. The only forever is death. The four horseman are riding now. The reaper is smiling and I am at peace.