The only thing I want is sleep.

I’m fat, ugly, worn out and exhausted. I have no friends, no relationships and am always thinking about hurting myself. The only thing I want i sleep. The most
Painful thing is knowing life almost wasn’t like this for me.

Long story short is my mom started hitting me when I was 8. She used the way I was responding as an excuse to take me to a child psychiatrist who told me I was mildly autistic because I was nerdy and like computers. Many terrible and awful things happened to my mind and body over the next few years but everything came to a head when I was 12.

She took me to a new child psychiatrist who prescribed me 500 mg of depakote and 300 mg ofSeroquel. I gained 60 pounds in three months and for two years all I could do is eat and sleep. During the doctors office visits the evil POS doctor would leer at me, scream at me and violate my personal space while my evil ***** of a mother laughed.

My body has been destroyed. Im fat and have stretch marks over every single inch of my stomach and upper arms. I also ended up being three inches shorter than my dad, and due to all the bad endrocrinogical stuff that happened to my body I never developed and muscle tone in my face or body and my voice never lowered. Despite being a male my hips are also half a foot wider than my waist.

Every waking moment has been trying to cope with those two years and what things would’ve been like if that have never happened, and the millions of things I could’ve done to prevent that from happening.. I’m also gay and it makes life extremely tough. I can’t work or go to school. I’ve talked to guys for a very long time and as soon as they see me on camera they stop talking to me. The only thing that matters about a person is looks.

What happened to me on is on my mind constantly and its made life hell. My life was going to beautiful, my body was going to be beautiful. The only thing that stops the pain is when I’m asleep. Sleep is truly gods gift to man.

If all of that wasn’t bad enough the one person who I ever truly loved and respected more than anything else in the world blocked me on FB when I reconnected with him amd I told him how I felt. The thought of laying down on the warm earth and closing my eyes for an eternity sounds so wonderful.