Well i guess my story isn’t really easy to tell, without talking about my past. So if your willing to read a page to listen, i would be thankful.
If you want to skip my past then why i will be killing myself at the end of the year, Will be at the bottom of the page..
(Forgive my spelling and grammar.. I have no education )
Before i was born, i was not exactly planned. My mom was 17 and my dad was 21. Both my parents had really bad and horrible pasts. My mom was raped as a child by a lot of men, And no body cared expect my father. And my dad was sexually abused by his brother as a kid. And his mom ( My grandmother ) Ignored him and left him alone. ( He actually lived alone when she left him ) My dad was a bad alcoholic and he did many drugs in the past. My mom did pills.
After having me my mom stopped doing most of what she did. My parents was and still are very oblivious to things. They both had no education. So my mom was a stay at home mother. ( Though she had a few small jobs that she later on quit ) And my dad worked in construction. Every time he would get home, He would always be mad and violent. He would hit my mom out of anger when they would fight. And i would later learn that it was more then just once. ( Because i saw it happen, She couldn’t hide it from me ) My father was also running from the law for a previous thing he did before i was born. So we moved a lot. And i would have to go to new schools. So it effected me educationally and when i tried to make friends.
School life was annoying. Teachers never liked me nor did the kids. I was called gay and fag because of the sound of my voice ( I was high pitched and i still am a little high pitched. ) Even though i never spoke unless spoken to people hated me. I minded my own business but people would deliberately try to hurt me. So i was never able to find safety at school or home. I would lean to video games and T.V to run from reality i guess. I was never even smart in school. Teachers would always tell me i was 1 point from not passing my grade and got extremely lucky. i later quit school at 5th grade and went home schooled because of an indecent involving another older kid garbing me between my legs saying ” I thought you liked this, You’re gay arnt you? ”
And home school was no better apparently. My parents refused to help me after countless hours of me not understanding things. And they would get angry with me about it. Grounding me and spanking me over it. My parents also both went to jail and prison on and off at times. Sometimes for a couple days, Weeks or months. So i would live with my grandmother on my moms and dads side at different times. Honestly i think i would have ended up better if it stayed that way… After my mom got out of jail she got on disability and we got a house. My dad was still in prison. ( 2 year sentence ) And when he got out, I was happy. He was still my father and i guess i forgot all the past things. but of course not all things end happy. Although my dad stopped drinking he was still a major jerk all the time. He would abuse me and my mom mentally and sometimes slightly psychically. He would scream at me for the smallest things ( I was 15 when he got out ) and spank me for stupid things ( My dad is a really big guy ) So i ended up fearing him. I would shake and shiver when he would yell and i still do today. The last time he spanked me ( which i find humiliating because i was 18 ) was over a lie. Something i never did. And he later tried to apologize. And i shrugged it off.
Now here is what leads to when i start feeling suicidal. We had so many dogs in the past. But because of moving. We had to get rid of them And that hurt me because i loved them. But even though my parents knew there was a chance we would be moving a lot. They still got dogs they couldn’t take care of. So we had a dog and my dad forgot to let him back inside one day. And my dad fell asleep. My dog got hit by a car and died. My mom starting crying hysterically blaming my dad and i didnt know how to deal with this ( I was 18 still ) and later because of all the depression and sadness that was happening i started to get very sick. I started feeling nauseated and weak. I would throw up and would not be able to walk. I started losing some weight because of that. i ended up being 112 pounds at 18. ( I’m a guy ). Everyone just expected that it would be easy for me to start acting like an adult the second i turned 18. But i had so many things in my mind that was stopping me. My parents still treated me like i was 12. They would threaten to hit me/ or “beat my ass” in there words. My dad also one day grabbed me by the neck and threw me against a chair.) I did nothing wrong though i don’t remember much that day. But every time he gets angry its over nothing. So at 19 i started to get this weird feeling. I would be very weak and shake uncontrollably, Throw up and have major heat flashes in my face and body. It effect me so much. I could not go out anymore i couldn’t do anything i have went to the doctor in pain and crying. But they couldn’t figure anything out. They said it was just severe anxiety and depression. And gave me pills to try and fix emotions. Every single day i would be miserable and bedridden, With a bag in my hand because i didn’t know if i was going to throw up or not. It hurt more then any pain i felt before. I could hardly do anything. But my parents just figured some days i was faking it. So they would yell at me over it.When i turned 20 i ended up taking a few random pills that i could get my hands on and swallowing them. It really did nothing much but i went to the hospital and my parents got me put into a mental institution thing because the hospital demanded it, it was not a question. And they rec-amended this place. i don’t remember the name of it. And i don’t think i belonged there at all. It was more for crazy people. I was surrounded by people who did not just want to kill there selfs but kill other people. I am very shy and insecure and scared of anything almost. And i cried almost the entire time i was there. And my mom and dad was pretty mad at the hospital for sending me to such a drastic place. I was taken out after 2 weeks.And my life did not get much better. My mom is still making forgotten promises on helping me get healthy. And my dad is still as abusive as ever. He has not hit me but he always threatens to knock me the fuck out in his own words. And i cant just move in with my grandparents i would feel extremely awkward being 20 and asking for handouts on a living space. When i know i won’t get better without fixing this sickness i have that prevents me for working or going outside for more then an hour.
So because of this mental and psychical pain that i can’t get rid of… i feel like i have no choice. It hurts to much. I hate feeling weak and nauseated everyday. And i hate feeling sad. I am still 20 years old. And i have the mind of a child. Still living with my parents. All i want to do is finish a few deeds before the end of the year and then end it all.
3 comments
It’s funny, we go from being 17 a “kid” then literally a day goes by and were 18 all the sudden were supposed to “be adults”. I feel you man, trust me were a lot alike in what I’ve read. Sure my parents may have never hit me or each other but they definitely hate each other. Plus I went through something similar to what you did, I was a bit younger, but I was constantly sick, every day, all day. I felt horribly nauseated and I could barely eat because of how I felt, I was over 6 foot and weighed only about 120. I think you can imagine how skinny I was. For a looong time. I’ve suffered beyond what others could handle. If anyone were to spend a day in my shoes they would probably jump off a bridge. I pretty much failed this thing called life and suck at being an adult even though my birthday is in 2 months and I’ll be 21. Sucks to look at my life and see I’ve gotten nowhere and yet everyone I talk to seems to have their whole life planned out. I just talked with someone the other day and they are my age, talking about their school, work, relationships, apartment. Something which I failed at getting. Life is a piece of shit.
That’s tough. I completely understand you and your thoughts and ideas of decisions to be made.
I would first ask you to fight your sickness by pushing your body to its limits every day and see where it goes and whether it gets better. That is probably the worst thing I have read here, thankfully you have a brain to know what’s going on in your life. Yes, I am almost 20 myself. My parents (who are long separated) are also assholes. I’ve also been threatened by my father and kicked out by my mother ( though the ***** let me back in ) . It’s interesting how you’ve still lived this long with your illness, but I suppose there’s a time for everybody. I hope you go without any hassle and the way you want it to. Good luck, sweet brother.
you seem articulate. if you have nothing to lose (aka death), why not just make a choice to get better? Make some goals. Literally take little steps (walks every day)…..figure out where to get a job. You already know it’s not your fault and that your parents have problems; but they don’t define who you are. You can be that successful person who talks about the difficult childhood and abusive parents who did not know what they were doing. You seem to know what’s going on. you can make it work. You just have to take it one day at a time.