I haven’t been here since August. Things have been OK for me mentally, except my birthday was a couple of days ago and since then I’ve been in this mental spiral. So I am here once again. Wanting to die. I don’t REALLY want to die, I just can’t think of a better solution to end the pain I feel. I don’t ever remember really enjoying my birthday… and I’m wondering if I’ll ever be happy enough to enjoy it. =(
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I feel SO lonely.
Birthdays are nothing but symbolic. They only mean something if you attribute value to them.
Nice job on the up swing, i had one recently but it only lasted a few weeks. I’ve always hated birthdays – seems like a perfect little stamp in time to remind me that yet another year passed and i’ve amounted to… this. and as ignorance says, yes they are mostly symbolic but it feels like such a massive emotional hurdle
Do you remember what you did back in August to help pick yourself up?
My birthday is always a dark day. I don’t remember being happy on the day either. You were doing ok for a while and why did it end so soon??!
Taking opportunities as they came. Kind of like George Costanza on Seinfeld, in that one episode, saying that he’d do the opposite of whatever his natural instincts were. That’s what I was doing. And it works. The problem is though, that it works. I think trying to build friendships with people and create a better life for myself is a lot of work. But being alone and unhappy is also a lot of work, it’s a lot of miserable work. Also… anxiety talks to me. It tells me things that aren’t true and I’ve been listening to it. I just need to get out of this funk. My birthday made me feel pathetic and unworthy and small. And I hate feeling those things.
thanks for advice/listening/works <3
words*
I feel a bit better after venting and crying. I needed to release my feelings. I like that this site is here and that everyone here gets it.
I’m glad you feel better. I wish I could meet a lot of you in person so I could actually provide you with a physical “someone” to vent to. Wanna know something interesting? I’ve been diagnosed with something called “Schizoid Personality Disorder”, which essentially means my feelings are blunted to a point where I barely experience emotion, and as a result, I don’t feel loneliness. Now this is merely a diagnoses, and I have exhibited traits that make it appear as though I do not fit the criteria for SPD, but in reality, I still suffer from a critical dopamine deficiency which impedes me from experiencing emotions to a fuller extent, which leaves me somewhere on the spectrum near the diagnoses.
I don’t really “feel” lonely, but I get bored being alone and I am aware that if I spend too much time completely alone, I could very well lose my sanity, as it has happened to me before. So my question for you is… what do you think would be better, to be able to turn off your emotions like a faucet and never experience them again, or to remain feeling sad and lonely, along with all the other negative emotions you experience?? 😛
to turn your emotions *off* like a faucet
Oh wait, no need for the edit… I’m tired X(
Oh, I’ve thought about this MANY times before. I used to wish so bad that I was a sociopath and couldn’t feel empathy… at least the way I feel it. I’m not familiar with Schzoid Personality Disorder, but if it causes you not to feel, then gimme some of that, too.
Ultimately, even though I wish not to feel and dream of being a sociopath, I think i just would remain being able to feel. =( As crappy as it is sometimes, the feeling of falling in love and the feeling of sadness toward someone you love is something that I want to feel toward another human. I just wish that I didn’t let things bother me so much, that I had better control of my emotions.