Story of my unusual life.

When I was 16-17 I started hanging out with bloods, and was heavily into drugs at the time that gave me a bit of social anxiety. This created some mental problems regarding paranoia and anxiety, but I got a lot better over the years. Anyway the last time I saw one of the guys they showed me evidence of the “Illuminati.” Also you need to sacrifice someone close to you in order to get in, I thought it was crazy talk as I was a Christian that turned Atheist around those times. I went back to Korea where my dad lives, and I found out from my uncle that my grandfather had an old prophecy about my father or his son needs to devote their life for Christ or their life wouldn’t turn up right. My father of course didn’t believe in Christ and decided to go his own way, anyway I believe him and I are very similar but his life turned out shitty, when he has a lot of things going for him, like smart, imaginative, leadership skills, charismatic, and athletic, and etc. Anyway long story short, I came back to America thinking about this, and I met a satanist who used “evil eye” on me. Around this time I was just getting better from anxiety problems and getting confidence, yet I passed on really great girls that was interested in me because of what I heard from Korea. Anyways I believe I was “born-again” after the satanist tried to “curse” me. This evil eye thing happened again in another college class, this time some guy who was interested in alchemy, and mystery religion and he had just gone out of jail. He had all these occultist tattoos. Now this is the time when I was “born-again” and around those times my aura really did change. All these girls were interested in me, and I believe I had a holy aura around me. I’ve had experiences like this at other times as well.

Anyway now I’ve lost it, and generally don’t have the aura anymore through my own sinning + (evil eye) I believe. I want to suicide because I’ve passed up so many great girls that I still can’t forget because either I was too scared to communicate these things to them, and what they would think about it. Also I wanted to not have sex until marriage (I don’t believe in the institution of marriage, but just God joining two into one). (Another reason being I couldn’t trust some of these girls to stay with me for the long haul because of one reason or the other; like this one girl tried to leave a guy she lives with and was trying to marry, and I thought maybe should do that to me in the future).

I know I need to stop masturbating, because sinning for me takes a larger toll then others who haven’t made the commitment to God and the holy spirit, yet I can’t stop myself. Also now that I lost my aura, charisma and good looks. I do still have some girls interested in me, but… I am not courageous enough to go through it all.

Also there’s a study that the more guys a girl is with it increases the chances of divorce, and I am not sure if I could get a girl that I could love without inhibitions and her to me.  So I am thinking about ending it because I am a failure.

The satanist had a red aura around his eyes during evil eye, and the guy that got out of jail had a black one. Needless to say after these experiences I started becoming really interested in the occult, and all of these experiences combined made me have nothing much in common with people around me.

There’s two girls that I still can’t stop thinking about, and one of them might be because she was the most recent one that we were really close to starting a relationship together, and the other one because she’s just a perfect type of girl.

Anyway after that recent run in, I am not interested in girls anymore, and I just lost the will to try again, I don’t think I can do it, and even if I did, I am not sure if I’ll meet a girl that perfect for me anymore…. Even if I did do that, I don’t know if she’ll love me without inhibitions and as I said… so too much trouble, so I am thinking of ending it, because my life seems pretty meaningless now.