The things I remember

I have so many things standing in the way of my happiness and I don’t think I will ever be able to get past them. I remember everything down to the smallest detail. I can’t seem to move past all these things that are tying me down. I wake up and think about the dreams I had. If they are happy I feel sad that I woke up, if they were nightmares I think about how they are true in my real life. I go to class and overhear conversations that remind me of the things I’m trying to forget. I let my mind wander and I go to very bad places. I remember how on the last time I went to a movie with him he told me he loved me and he held on to me. And he let things get intimate, despite knowing that two days later he would end it. I remember thinking at the time that I didn’t really feel like doing anything like that, but I let it continue because it wasn’t unusual and we never really saw each other as often. I feel so used and disposable and stupid for not saying anything and it just adds to how horrible I feel. Every day gets worse and I feel myself slipping more and more. I want to give up and I feel like I am only hanging on for other people. I’ve been thinking about ending it, but I’m afraid the time isn’t right, but then again I don’t think there will ever be a perfect time to do it. I’ve just spent so long pretending like everything is okay and it really isn’t. I’m tired and for once in my life I want to be selfish. Maybe that is wrong, but I can’t stop thinking about how I should do it and if I should try to make amends with everyone before I go. I’m just tired and about to give up