Hello, it’s my first time posting here as I can’t fall asleep and I need to vent my feelings.
I have no reason to be alive and I don’t know why am I still here. Well, actually the only reason why I haven’t killed myself yet is because I don’t want to hurt my parents and because I don’t have anything to kill myself with. I was thinking of doing it after school but until then I can just hope to die in a car crash or something like this. I may also give myself some time as things might get better but the chances are really small. It’s not even like I experience some horrible events in my life because to be honest I don’t even have life and I rarely leave my bed. The thing is that everything is so dull and I have nothing to do and nothing to live for or look forward to. I feel like Sisyphus; repeating the same routine everyday just to survive for the sake of nothing because I can’t die. I just waste my life lying lonely in my room as that’s the only place I feel comfortable in.
Everyday I wake up, go to school, come back and go to sleep. I have NOTHING to do except for pointlessly looking at my phone which I’m addicted to. There is literally nothing else I could do because everything is either boring or makes me sadder. Even though I’m addicted to the Internet and I used to use it all the time I don’t find that very interesting now and I often just go to sleep to escape from reality. Everyday is a torture. Nothing can make me happy but I don’t want that anyway because I always feel guilty when I feel better. I think I prefer sadness over happiness but I hate it at the same time. I isolate myself from people, especially my family. I started losing friends, I only have one + the few people who would probably be sad if I died. I’m a failure. I’m not good at anything and I fail at everything I do so what’s the point of being alive? I’m just a waste of space and even my mum says I just ruin her happiness. Life is not for me and I should probably just end it.
When I’m at school everyone always asks me if everything is fine because I look really depressed. I always say that I’m fine because I’m too tired of answering these questions but I’m also too exhausted to hide the fatigue. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can make me feel better. Besides that, most of the time I’m not even able to perform the most basic acctivites such as washing up or making food. I just don’t have the motivation to but maybe I’m just lazy? Well, I don’t really remember about eating anyway. I just feel like I don’t want to leave my bed ever again and I want to wait for the sweet release of death to come.
I have a lot of other things going on in my mind but I’m too tired to type it all out right now. No one would want to read this anyway.
4 comments
Give up the internet and find new interests. Believe it or not there was a time when the internet didn’t exist and that time wasn’t too far in the past. I grew up without the internet. It didn’t even become popular until my 30s and I wasn’t involved with it until the later part of my 30s.
I often feel the same way, that my life is pointless and the only reason I’m still alive is to keep from hurting other people so here we are living lives of quiet desperation.
I began woodworking a few years ago. I had done some as a young man, but unlike you I’ve seen my own fortunes come and go. It’s not like I ever had millions of dollars or anything remotely close to that kind of wealth, just things I had bought, tools, furniture, cars and so on, but I lost them all on more than one occasion. I’ve lived in homeless shelters and now reside in a very nice home with a full work shop that affords me the ability to make things from hand.
The problem is that few people really want them and nobody wants to buy them from me even though they’re high quality. So now I am losing my desire to even make things.
What keeps me going is that I don’t want other people to hurt because I don’t really want to keep living.
I’m going to write a separate post about this very feeling.
Hi I’m new here, and just wanted to read any comments first before i post something. I can’t believe how relatable these posts are, and seeing this one, felt like my exact thoughts! Saved me one long post, I’ll probably just write something else to share.
I was just about to say “good to know someone relates to my thoughts” but then I realised I wouldn’t actually wish anyone to relate to this…
That’s fine to me, i guess? I mean that’s why I’m here, relating to someone’s thoughts is as close as i can get to connect with other people and that connection is what i think i need rn, I’m just so disconnected to the world i might just be nonexistent myself xD