It would seem that what I’ve done is unforgivable. Should not exist, in the world. Therefore I should not exist. Don’t want to exist. Don’t want to be that. If I acknowledge the truth, and the moral sentiment, then I no longer want to be. The shame, self-hatred, disgust, is simply too much for life to be tenable. Nobody could want to live with that.
And yet, it is just removed enough to be deniable. Did my actions actually have any effect on anyone but myself? Was it really any worse than the horrors committed by most people every single day? Wasn’t it a simply an unavoidable outcome of the circumstances that shaped who I am? Aren’t I really a decent, compassionate, upstanding young man?
And why not spend my life tenaciously denying the truth, when ending it would clearly devastate my family? Real tangible effects to my actions. How could I justify such a thing? How could I put them through that, after all they’ve done for me?
How could I not? How could I allow what I am to continue to be in the world? How could I not throw myself off the nearest cliff? Because the truth is out there, and I can’t avoid it all the time, no matter how hard I try.
Should I? I don’t know. Is there even a should? Sometimes I feel there is. And I should not exist. Sometimes I can suppress that feeling. But is that a good thing? For anyone? I don’t know. Right now I am 50/50. Which I suppose will always result in doing nothing.
1 comment
A common theme in all your posts is you walk around feeling guilty and condemned. This is sickening in my case too because I know the negativity is winning when I feel like that. We have to forgive ourselves and move forward. I’m tired of beating myself up all the time and it takes its toll. Gonna take a break from here and just wait until my next therapy appointment. Take care.