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disgruntled

by Lazarus

Sorta upset. Sorta not. Mostly disgruntled. Okay, I’m pretty upset.

Its my birthday in a few days..  April 15th. I’m turning 18. Having a dumb party and all that good shit. Which.I’m excited about, yeah. But after that I have to take my fucking GED test that I’ve been studying for for years now on top of regular high school. (Its a weird homeschool situation.) sorta upset I had to drop out. That my high school diploma I would get if I didn’t drop out wouldn’t even count. Really upset that I have to take this dumb fucking test.  I just want to pass. I’m so stressed out.

 

I have to take this test and find a job and a car and go to college for something I don’t even know what and move out in the next few months. Its just so much and I lie awake at night just thinking about it and dreading it.  I haven’t done shit with my life. I suddenly have to do all this bullshit and figure out what I’m doing for the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I like! I don’t know what I can do that I would like to do and not starve doing it. I don’t know if that’s even possible.  Plus the dept of college…

All my dad can to is still me about what I want to do and tell me about different jobs but I just don’t know! Nothing’s realistic!

 

And, on top of this I’ve had so many people and pets die.  I’ve had two grandparents become diagnosed with late stage 4 terminal cancer, my grandad die, my grandmother grieve and is in the hospital now, and, of all things, my other grandmother get a stage 2 breast cancer.

My dog and cat even died.  My pets i had for 14 years..  My grandad..

If that’s not enough my Mother has been making me fuckin insane! She’s been a lunatic! I understand her dad died and she has to grieve but she doesn’t have to go batshir crazy and make me suffer.

She’s been drinking every night she’s off work, and drinking herself to oblivion then acts like a manic. She will scream at my sister, dad and myself and wail and ***** and slam shit.  She’s in the living room now, without two days of sleep, drunk out of her mind.

I just.. I have so much going on and I ***** to my friends too much as is. dont want to be a burden. But I don’t know what to do.  I wish this was easier.  I can’t even pay for college let alone enroll in it.  I just want out of this whole fucking mess! I’m sick and tired of everything.

Why do I only think about all this at night, anyhow?

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TheRiver 4/13/2017 - 3:29 am

Yeah, it’s easy to break down on that crossroads between the chaos of adolescence and the onset of the inevitable mass of responsibility and absurdity that comes with adulthood. I sympathize with ya there.

Fellow GED’er here. The test isn’t too bad, really. At least, it wasn’t when I took it. Much of it is common sense and reasonable elimination. Honestly, I think the simple fact that your writing is mostly coherent gives you an advantage over some of the people taking that test. May sound a bit presumptuous, but I don’t think I’m wrong.

As far as the college thing goes, you could always just work for awhile and save up some money before committing to it. But eh, I don’t know what kind of pressures your parents might be putting on you in that regard.

I tend to think about these things at night too. It’s easier to escape at that time, I suppose. Then you wake the next day and it’s back to the grind of life.

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