I don’t know anymore

I’m not sure where to start. But I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown. As I’m writing this I have tears coming out of my eyes. I’m not sure whether it is my mental state or the fact it is nearly 2 in the morning. But death is something I’ve wanted for a while over the course of my life. In primary school and I’m year 7 I was very lonely. I was liked by people but I had no friends. Even in some of year 8 in secondary school I still had very limited friends. At the start of year 9, my life was getting so much better, more friends and in the October holidays (I live in the uk so not sure what holidays are like for other countries) I thought I fell in love but she broke my heart and my whole personality and scared me. It led to 1-2 years of more depression on top of lonleiness in primary school. And the worst part of that situation, we where best friends after which I don’t think helped. I have self harmed twice which I’m not happy about and would change but wouldn’t change at the same time as I dunno what would of happened if I didn’t do it.

Now things with my mum are pretty shit I feel like I did when my heart was broken. I just want to leave what I have here while crying my eyes out. I’m probably stupid for taking this so seriously.