My History With Alcohol

I can remember it like it was yesterday. Being a young child no older than the tender age of 5 or so, watching my father drink his beer out of a frosty mug. So intrigued by this concept I would wonder what the purpose of the beverage was. It was around this same time that he would let me have a sip from the mug, and eat a little foam off of the top. From the very first sip, even as a child probably in kindergarten or the first grade I recall being so delighted by the taste, and enchanted by the aroma of the hops and barley.

As I grew older, the public school system preached to me about the effects alcohol can have on your body. They claimed it too was a drug, and explained its harmful side effects. I recall a sense of guilt as by then my infatuation with alcohol had already begun.

Fast forward to middle school, I was doing typical dumb kid shit for the curious 12 year old I was. I smoked weed quite a few times and never really enjoyed it. But my real sense of enjoyment came when I befriended another kid whos dad was in a mail order “beer of the month” club. We used to love to take bottles of all the different kinds of beer and sneak off into the woods or his tree house, sitting and drinking while laughing and telling jokes, or talking about the girls at school.

It all lead up to “the moment”, the one you’ll never forget and remember all the details of. The first time I got drunk. I was 14, and I walked to my friends house as he had broken into the liquor cabinet and gotten his hands on a six pack. I can still hear the clip and clop of our sneakers going up the wooden stairs as we headed to his room. And there it was, all the alcohol laid out like we were at a party. Excited, I dove right in.

I started drinking straight blackberry schnopps as we passed the bottle off to each other. Not much for the taste, we began drinking his fathers Mexican tequila, being careful not to swallow the work at the bottom. Then topped it off with a few beers.

We sat around and I remember feeling a nice calm as the room gently spun. This was it. I waited my whole life for this feeling.

My mother came to pick me up. Long story short, she smelled the liquor, my memory was kinda fuzzy and I asked a question that had already been addressed. Busted. She drove me back to my friends house while screaming her head off. I can still remember peering out the window at the passing chevron signs, in deep shit but carefree and feeling good.

Late high school age I was “with the band”. My friends and I would rehearse for an hour or two in my basement, and then go upstairs and get drunk. The band sucked but I miss those days, bonding and drinking with my friends in my old town.

In a surprising change of events, when I was shipped off to lousy community college I began to take exercise and working out seriously after my first 2 semesters. I actually used to turn down drinks left and right for a pretty long time. And then I met her…

My first girlfriend. Yeah, a real winner I am, I got my first relationship when I was 20 yrs old. She was always trying to change me and on top of being strange, our relationship was stressful to say the least. She was crazy and legitimately part of a cult, and to make matters worse drank quite  bit and was always trying to convince me to. One night we had a get together at my old apartment, and that’s where I had my first drink in months. My first, second and tenth drink in months. I began drinking heavily again and even picked up smoking cigarettes at the time too, as she was a smoker. I remember waking up with the lights on, surrounded by empty beer cans on a night she took off to Alaska to meet with her fellow cult members and cheat on me with them.

I later met my next love interest. I was 20 years old and she, only 16. Judge me all you want, but it’s not everyday a girl was interested in me and her parents actually approved of the relationship. It was only a four year gap. Of course, I got a sense of satisfaction from the relationship, experiencing what it would have been like to actually have a girlfriend in high school. I got a false sense of feeling what high school SHOULD have been like and of course like any 16 year old, she was infatuated with alcohol and encouraged me to drink.

One night I could have really changed my life forever. Her and i went to a party and we both got lit up. She became obnoxious and also a danger to herself as she almost fell down the steps of the apartment complex and I decided to take her home. I’m pulling out of the parking lot and I see a cop car. My heart is racing as I’m sure I’m being followed. Underage, drunk, driving and with a drunk minor next to me. Fortunately I don’t know how, but I managed to not get pulled over. Being the functional drunk that I am I was able to stay in my lane and follow all the rules of the road as the cop followed for miles and miles. I was lucky he didn’t pull me over without a cause. I imagine how my life would’ve changed.

During this period, I turned 21. I could finally buy what I wanted, whenever I wanted. I started playing music again and getting drunk with my old friends. At this point I began drinking so much hard liquor that I would wake up with red spots on my face and often drank until I puked.

I struggled. I struggled with wanting to drink all of the time and I struggled trying to stay healthy. I decided I wanted to be serious about exercising again, and for the most part for years I stayed clean and worked out all of the time. Through all of the stress I was able to keep myself on track, but somehow found myself slipping slowly. Nothing too serious, but I was getting drunk every once in a while.

While working a stressful job and lifting heavy nearly everyday at the gym, I found myself with a hernia. At the peak of my fitness and the strongest I had ever been, I was devastated. Crushed that I might lose what I worked so hard for and maybe never be the same. I began binge drinking on a rather consistent basis. At point I hadn’t been sober for more than 24 hours in months. Had to get clean to get the hernia repaired and moved on, but still drank on a more regular basis than usual.

This brings me to the modern day as I am now. I now get drunk about once a week, but I see myself losing grip again. I love the feeling it brings me. I love how carefree I am, and I love how I finally feel emotions. I love how I can enjoy things when I’m drunk, whereas when I’m sober I’m a numb, apathetic blob of misery. I don’t know what to do. I want to get drunk every night, but deep down I know I should probably try my best to be sober.