So, I’ve got a problem. It’s kind of complicated, but I need to get this fixed and sometimes, writing these things out helps me a little, so I’m going to try and get everything sorted out here. First off, I’d like to say that my grades aren’t looking so well. I’m now flunking four classes, which is a new record for how horribly I’m doing in school, and I need to bring those up. Next, is that school is almost over and because I’m a transfer student, I need to be at least passing all of my classes or else I’ll be kicked out and have to go to the bad school that I’m supposed to be going to. I’ve got ADHD and concentrating is kind of difficult for me, which brings up another problem. My mom is constantly finding fault in everything I do, which is good, because I can correct it, but then she’ll bring up random things like how my face is breaking out (mostly from stress), and how I should try to look more feminine, and I must say that I find it rather ridiculous at this point. I understand her yelling at me about grades, but it happens every day, and nothing changes, and by the time I get home after a 20 minute drive of being screamed at, it’s the only thing I can think about. I’m just going to say right off the bat that I’ve lied to her about missing assignments countless times by now. It started escalating at the beginning of sophomore year, and has just been awful ever since. I’d love to stop lying to her, but I can’t seem to. Every time I don’t lie about a missing assignment, she just yells at me anyway, so there’s really no difference. I’ve come to both love and hate car rides. I love them because she’s too busy looking at the road to glare directly at me (stop lights suck), and I hate them because she screams at me the entire time. I cannot wait until she lets me get a license to drive. Hopefully she’ll let me take driver’s ed over the summer and then I won’t have to endure long depressing car rides and I’ll be able to focus on planning out my homework schedule and maybe get an awesome job. I have some amazing friends at school, some that she doesn’t approve of because she doesn’t like that “all [we] talk about is gender and they sound stupid”, and that’s not really even true. We actually just like to talk about other topics too. Some just happen to be controversial. I hate it when she takes away my phone and computer because then I have no way of talking to my friends, and I just realized that I’ve actually come to hate weekends. I don’t have any of my friends to talk to, and my mom won’t let me go anywhere (not that I could, considering that all my friends from school live a 20 minute car ride away from school, and I can’t drive, so that ain’t happenin’.) Her taking up the phone brings up another problem. I have no privacy. I had to create an entirely new email on google on the privacy browser to get on any website she can’t know about, like SP. I can’t have any social media, and the only way I’ve gotten around this is through my new email on a private browser. I even had to hide the tumblr app I just got in the books folder on my phone to try and hide it even a little. I’ve also had to take other measures like making a second fake email in case suspicion is aroused from me having the app in the first place and them not believing that I’m only using the email that they made for me. Either way, if they find out, I’m screwed, but not as much if they think I’m using the email they made me (less to hide). My mom wants to control what I look like, and won’t let me get boxers, so I brought that problem up with a friend and they actually got me a pair for Christmas (Best friend in the ever loving universe), but now I have the problem of hiding those from my mom. I’ve settled with hiding them behind my dresser, but knowing her, she’ll probably look back there anyway if she suspects I’m hiding something. She’s become so controlling of everything I do that I’m actually kind of becoming paranoid while trying to maintain my own privacy. I sometimes go hang out with my friends after school before she picks me up (mostly so I can enjoy my last minutes at school before I have to go get yelled at for inevitably screwing something up.), and I’ve actually found myself looking over my shoulder every few seconds, dreading to see my mother walking towards me because she’s figured out that I don’t go straight to her car after school(which is silly on my part, but for some reason that I can’t explain, it feels like a valid fear). I’ve actually been constantly looking over my shoulder as I write this for fear that my mom’s in the back yard looking through the window to see if I’m actually working on writing a history essay???????? I really badly want to get a job(partly to spend time away from my mom’s yelling, partly to get money to save up to at some point try to financially support myself, and partly to just get some job experience. I’ve wanted a job for YEARS now.), and my mom says that my grades suck, so I can’t(understandable), and that brings up another thing. She keeps telling me that I’m not going to get into a good college ever, and that she might consider letting me go to a good college in state if I prove to be hard working at a community college(I’M HELLA NOT GOING TO ONE OF THOSE. NOPE. I’M GOING TO A GOOD COLLEGE, AWAY FROM HER, WHERE I CAN STUDY A SUBJECT THAT I’M INTERESTED IN.) I need to show her that I’m a hard worker and that I know what I’m doing, but I can’t focus on the task at hand, which is why I needed to write this down to get it out of my system. I might write some other stuff later, but for now, I need to go. I have some history to accomplish. 13 essays due on May 8, and I’ve got 5&1/2 done. :/ Wish me luck.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
I’m a jerk.. I’ve lied to her so many times now. Also, I’m sorry to anyone who actually read this for wasting your time. This is pointless.
You’re not a jerk. Your mom sounds like she’s really hard to deal with so it’s understandable you have lied to her. I hope she lets you get a driver’s license and gives you more freedom. Good luck on your grades and essays…. I don’t know how you can write 13, I can hardly write one.
Thanks, Lolal. I’m making slow progress, and I really need to speed this up, but slow progress is still progress. 🙂
You aren’t a jerk, your mom is. All you did is find ways to cope with her bad parenting (aka almost bullying, of what I understand). Can’t believe how some people approach parenting.
Anyway, you need encouragement, positive reinforcement, a pat on the back for your hard work, cause that’s exactly what you did. Unfortunately, your mom probably won’t be the one to do it. Is your dad better at that parenting thing? If he isn’t, you will need to start being your own parent and set your own limits by stating them clearly to them.
“I need privacy”, “I need to feel appreciated”, “I need liberty”, and these aren’t negotiable. These aren’t unreasonable requests, these are just basic things everybody needs. Parenting isn’t a free ticket to control and do whatever you want with a human being.
If you constantly criticize an individual, at one point that person will start believing they are useless. It’s emotional abuse. And then the victim start thinking it’s their fault. Be careful.
Now, how twisted this might seems, your mom probably has good intentions doing this, but at some point she need to realize she is wrong in her approach and need to change, or she will simply drive you away, and that’s perfectly understandable from your perspective.
I agree that getting out of this pressure cooker is a good idea. How old are you?
I’m only 16. I feel like I haven’t put her under the kind of light she deserves. She’s really a wonderful mom, and I’m just a frustrated teen who’s scared of what my future will hold. Honestly, some things she does are rather ridiculous from my point of view, but you’re right. She does have good intentions. It’s just an endless circle of problems. My problems fuel hers which fuel mine and the cycle continues until one of us breaks. She has my best interests in mind and wants a good future for me. It’s the method that she uses to try and make me realize what I’m doing wrong that doesn’t work. I need to try and listen harder and be a better person. Although I may not agree with all of her rules, they’re set there to keep me safe from things I don’t know about yet. Both my parents are wonderful people, and I’m extremely lucky to have them. For example, these history essays I’m writing- My mom will tell me around every 5 minutes or less that I need to write faster and that I shouldn’t use my computer for research, which is fine, but personally, I believe that the computer is faster to use than the book(I switch between the book and the computer to get all my research in), and even if I’m writing, she’ll make the assumption that I’m not and tell me to quit using the computer and write, and if I try to tell her that I am writing, she’ll go off about how I shouldn’t talk back and I just get frustrated and can’t focus on the paper she’s been telling me so often to be writing, and that’s just a mess. My dad, on the other hand, believes that I should have the freedom to do whatever I need to to get these finished, and goes about doing his own things, only checking up on me occasionally to ask if I need help writing these because he has a minor in history, and is willing to help give me some ideas if necessary. It feels like my mom believes she’s smarter than everyone and only her ideas are valid while my dad is willing to listen and provide help if he deems the request to be reasonable. They’re both really lovely people, though, and I’m grateful that they’re mine.