After so many days in quiet contemplation this past month has been the first time I have actually actively tried to live. There’s a few reasons here, and today’s thoughts are proof.
Let’s just stay in the present, I have written plenty on my past. Today I woke up and it started out with bad news(ish) that I wouldn’t be getting to work at my paying job. I like working there, I’m learning a skill, but on the other hand I’m glad for the rest and to set my own pace for most of the week.
I flat didn’t get a damn thing done the first 4 hours of the day. That’s not quite true, I ate something, which is more of a challenge than it looks like. Anyway, went over to work with my Dad, tried to set him straight on how hard I am willing to push to survive. How hard is that? As hard as I have to. They(my parents) have been trying to cut off my support because I theoretically have work. I’m with them on the goal of me being independent, but on the other hand I don’t want to burn so hard I burn out before I start….
So I got half of his house’s gutters cleaned… 15 bucks and a tank of gas to show for my day. I came home and right out of the gate wrote the first part of a story I’ve had rattling my head for the past few days. That was great progress, my first time writing fiction in 5 years. Writing fiction is my passion, but sometimes our passions and our bodies are not able to exist together. I’m glad today was a day I was able to. I’m not counting on any more, I can’t. It would be great if there was a demand for my work, but right now there isn’t.
Then I went in the back yard to change a bulb and I fixed a broken lawnmower I had found on the side of the road. I had been borrowing one for almost a year, this was a huge blessing. I am proud of my work more than anything else I’ve done recently.
Then I mowed the front lawn and put out fertilizer because rain is rolling in tonight.
That is a busy day for me, believe it or not. I still have to cook, but that takes no physical energy, just emotional.
Sounds great, right?
I didn’t tell you about the shadow. Driving from place to place, getting frustrated, not being able to relax…. I thought abut death. Not as actively, because I’m keeping my hands busy. However at this point I know my method… and I know when I would do it. I also realized I don’t want to go. I want for the conditions that fuel my rage at living to go away…. I don’t know/think that is realistic. What a day, finally some decision on my exit plan, only to find I’d prefer not to do it.
See, I don’t exactly detest my existence itself. I hate some of the expectations on me. I hate certain relationships I am expected to establish or maintain. Imagine if you were forced to marry a horrible person who beats you, then abandons you and forces you to find another horrible abusive person, time after time. Imagine if your living and breathing depended on finding the one abusive person you could stay with, who wouldn’t reject you and go fuck someone else with a bigger house and who was more attractive. That is metaphorically what I am talking about, and that is how I see it, because I don’t HAVE to have this relationship, it’s just expected. Forcing myself back into the harness for more abuse may drive me to my exit, but this is me saying I’d rather stay away and stay alive.