I dont understand

I’m in a place where I want to both stay and leave. My head is full of suicidal thought I’ve never had before. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety several years ago; got meditation, some what therapy, and support from most of them who know about my illness.

I’ve had bad times where I feel worthless and  unappreciated but never have I ever had these terrafying suicidal hought running through my mind so rapidly. I’m under a lot of pressure with all the changes that I’ve made this past years, quitting school, changing jobs and moving in with my partner. It’s still a few months until my 19th birthday but the changes are stressing the hell out of me. And the movement is just to fast for me to cope with. To fast.

Me and my partner have been moving around rapidly for reasons such as expensive rent and bad noisy neighbors. Few months ago they were temporarily unemployed so I had to work my but off with 13 hour shifts 4-7days a week surrounded with terrable co-workers, managers, and even customers For about 4 months. Now we’re in a different flat with cheaper rent for we share it with a couple of other roommates. No space.

We are also both dealing with our own inner demons supporting each other as best we can. Our relationship is a mess at the moment and the time we spend goes with them telling me how bad I am and how I do everything wrong and how I never learn of my mistakes. and even more often me trying me doing what I can to at least try to communicate with them while they don’t even seem to notice my existence. The anger and hatred thrown in my face have I got used to and even feels good in a strange but yet so satisfying way. Mean while the silence is terrifying. Feeling like hell most of the time but in between having moments that feel like heaven on earth. “And I’m— feeling good”

we both want our way out but we are stuck with each other, both having no place to go and no money to afford it. No education for better salary. Not enaugh salary for education. Not willing to give up not willing to hold on.

Right now they are laying right besides me, sleeping with their clothes on, on top of the bedsheets. Looking so precious and peaceful and beautiful. I tryed to wake them up to get them sleep dressed and to lay the right way in bed so they can rest properly but all I get in return is roars n angry moans.

Crying in our bed, crying on the balcony having a smoke, crying in the shower. Crying in the bus. Crying at work. How long until it’s to long. Can’t let go, can’t hold on.

I’m young. But time moves fast. What if I’ll be stuck like this forever. I’ve had these suicidal feelings running though my head for some weeks now knowing it’s way to early for decisions. I’ve studdied methods and their possible consequences online which lead me to this site. First I just read others experiences and problems and now I’m finally confident enough to write about my own small problem.

I just wanted to share my feeling to someone. I don’t feel confident sharing it with my few friends, family or even my significant other for how things are bad enaugh already.

i know it’s not much but I believe it feels better knowing that someone has a clue of what’s going on in my small head.

thank you for reading,

p.s. sorry if I wasted you’re time.