I mean, really freely. But there is no such thing as really free in this world. All I wanted is to be free, to live freely but I lack the ability because of my internal limitations, since childhood.
I’m in my mid thirties and I realised that all my life had been lived in my head. I live in my own created fantasy, and it’s not even some fascinating story, it’s more like imagined conversations and events.
I can’t live in the real world. Sure, from the outside I look normal(well, not lately). Even sociable, communicative. But they don’t know that I am not living MY life. I have no idea who I am anymore, what I believe in. Just choosing things that would be okay, but it’s not my desires. I think they are but I realise later they aren’t. I’m afraid to even think what I really want anymore. I’m afraid of rejection, critism, being laughed at. All my life I’ve lived like this. I pretend but I don’t live.
I am tired of all this. I’m depressed, have anxiety issues, cannot work anymore (also don’t know what I’d want). I’ve always wanted to be other people. My mood is like a rollercoaster lately. The lows are extreme. I feel very alone in this…that’s the whole thing when you live isolated even when sometimes meet with people, there is this insurmontable wall.
I’ve been having all these thoughts lately. Sometimes it’s very sudden and intense, these images come, with me killing myself, mostly I see myself taking pills or jumping off something. I just feel this strong urge. It’s every day and sometimes I think about it a lot. It’s so strong sometimes, like today. Sometimes the thoughts are calmer, more on the reflective side. Then I think about details, like how would it happen, how would people react etc. Sometimes I just want people to see I’m in pain. I can’t live like this anymore.
13 comments
Hello. Read your post, and I get it, all the insanity and hiding and acting. It’s helpful to be able to put these thoughts into words here. Might not solve anything, but people understand.
I feel you, I constantly doze of and day dream of different lives, some normal with just me imagining different scenarios, others are complete fantasy and my wild imagination going at it. I just do whatever to get my mind out of this world.
I can identify with most of what you’ve said. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one enduring a life like this but also sad because I have a good idea what you’re going through and how miserable it is.
I wish I had the answers we’re all desperately seeking in order to avoid resorting to the ultimate ‘pain killer’, but I don’t.
Living in your own fantasy world ain’t so bad, the real world sucks!! you need the wall at times to separate you from the crap. Give and take is how it works, ENOUGH CRAP! Back to my world!! 🙂
You seem the have similar problems like I do. I get stuck in my fantasy worlds. I wish that I was a talented comic book artist, and could write really good stories, so people could understand what goes on in my head. Even I feel like dropping out of society, and feel like I can’t work. I feel so obsess that I can’t do anything with my life.
Some years ago I completed a cartooning course but never managed to sell one to a magazine. My regular job was so exhausting that I didn’t have the energy to be creative and in the end I just gave up. Now I’ve lost my ability and enthusiasm for it- another failure to add to the list.
I just can’t connect to people. When I’m there, with people, everything is fine, maybe I dissociate a little because of this freaking overwhelm. I’ve lived my whole life in anxiety and overwhelm and social fears which I manage to hide. I’ve lived a life that I wasn’t afraid of living. Not one I wanted to. But now is too late. I think I should place a deadline on this, for things to change. But who is gonna do it, because my personality is already screwed.
Thank you all for replying though ((hugs))
Never underestimate the power of self-effacing humor. You’re perceived as more approachable if you can poke fun at yourself. I find I prefer one-on-one conversations and usually avoid larger gatherings unless I’m “up” for them.
Setting a deadline is defeatist if you’re not taking steps to help yourself become relevant in your own life. If you acknowledge it’s a skill set that can be acquired and honed, you’re on your way.
I don’t think it’s a skillset. I have huge fears I cannot even describe. And the constant feeling of being flawed, it’s not a thought, not really a feeling, it’s just imprinted in my core. It doesn’t matter. I’m not even able to kill myself because of my fears. Everything is just too overwhelming but sure, I’ll stay alive and drag myself through life, and remain the obedient chameleon who becomes whatever others want her to be.
Also I have been taking steps, did eveything, yoga, meditation, trying to change core beliefs, energy work, researching what should I eat to be healthy, etc. These are all helpful. But things happened in my life and I’m lost completely and I have no motivation at all. I’ve done all this for what. I am just tired. And very angry for the repressed life. I don’t know.
Sorry if I came accross to strongly, but your comment triggered me.
Yea, u r in the right place, this is max freedom u get… lol…and hmmm yea, mental illness, and hmmm yea u barely think of suicde, i have thought of it for 20 years. Life is rubbish in the satanic 21st century. Wait and see that all humans will be mentally ill by 2050.
Maybe in 2050 they’ll be more open towards diversity in people and we will be able to live mlre freely with less shame for being different. I wanted to do something about this, make the world a better place but I don’t think I can do anything.
Why? U r black or brown or yellow? Lol
If its that hard, move to where u belong…
Dignity is much more important than materials.
No offence… My opinion