I wish ER doctors didn’t try to save you

I will shoot myself in a matter of months. The day and month depends on my future experiences. At this point, it’s honestly a contest with myself. Can I make it to December (the latest date, aka I will die this year) or will my dad (and anxiety and depression, but mostly my dad) drive me to the edge sooner? I don’t know. BUT, why do people in the ER try to save you. I don’t have a living will or whatever its called where I could say Do Not Rescusitate, because I think it would be suspicious if a 20 year old got one. They don’t even listen to a living will, though. My Grandpa specifically said on his not to give him any life sustaining stuff (food/water). The hospital called my mom and said they were gonna put a feeding tube in. My mom said “No, he said no to that on his will” and they’re like “Yeah, it’s right here, we’re looking at it, but we’re gonna put it in anyway” What the fuck? So, that put my mom off of having a living will for sure.