Why is it that when someone talks about their dark stories (like abuse), I am angry that I am not allowed to express my pain and they are. They have memories of dark horrible things and all I have is this guilt and shame that I am a horrible person and I feel frustrated that I have no memories that match my pain. I’ve had this pain all my life, what’s wrong with me?
I am a horrible person and really hate myself. When others tell me that I am okay and I am a good person, I feel like shit. Why do I feel like there is no reason to feel pain but I feel it, I’m angry that my power has been taken away but I don’t know who did it 🙁
I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to live like this anymore.
18 comments
Any chance you’re hiding prior abuse from yourself?
It happens
I don;t really know what…How can I know? There were some things in the recent past but what is coming up lately is related with my childhood, and from there, it’s like I have all these painful emotional memories but not “real”, event memories related to them.
What are THOSE memories/feelings like? Can you share any of them? If there is a way to put them into words, do you want to?
Hard to explain, feelings of shame and being less than others, these feelings I’ve had all my life. Feeling disgusted with my body, this is hard to explain. There are a lot of feelings which appear from nowhere and I cannot explain them, a lot of shame around just being me, hateful voices of inner criticism in my head, having these very strong fear reactions when in situations with people who I don’t know, feeling very unsafe.
I understand these all too well.
Maybe try to explore where those thoughts are coming from? Don’t dwell on the thoughts themselves (if you can help it).
They say it’s not uncommon for victims of severe trauma to forget the circumstances that caused it, such as in a car accident, that it’s a survival technique, I believe. That doesn’t magically erase the consequences, unfortunately. Maybe the frustration you’re feeling is, like braiNsane said, due to your mind hiding something it doesn’t want to process while the resulting pain is still eating away at you.
Yeah, in counseling I was told to pay attention to my body more. That I may have triggers I’m not even aware of. Smells, colors, sounds, etc… my body will react without my brain connecting the pieces.
I was told this is where the panic attacks stem from.
I don;t know if I’m forgetting something..Is it possible that I am just a horrible person and somehow envious that others had bad experiences and I haven’t? It doesn’t make sense though, but then why am I feeling this…
My body reacts a lot, and lately it is freaked out all the time from the smallest stimuli.
People have all kinds of pain, different kinds of pain.
Sometimes we’ve been taught to minimise our pain by others. They point out that other people have it worse. Other people have terrible abuse histories, or have been in wars, or have no food. Maybe you are blocking out a trauma, or maybe the stuff that caused you pain wasn’t so obvious. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t suffer, or that your pain isn’t real.
It sounds like it would be good for you to talk to someone who knows how to help sort out issues and origins of your feelings. Can you go to some kind of counselor or therapist? You don’t deserve to feel like sh*t.
Thank you. I’m already seeing a therapist, but it’s so hard for me to trust him and be open. I am ashamed of feeling this way but maybe I should tell him all this…I am afraid he will just minimise it, I don’t know, like he is one of those who wants me to pretend that I am okay. Maybe it’s not true but this is how I feel often.
I am thinking that if you have a therapist, he will probably not try to make you feel bad about feeling bad.
Give yourself time to get comfortable with him. It’s important to feel safe to talk freely, so that you get what you’re paying for!
Sometimes if you hit certain topics, you might get emotional and feel embarassed about that, but don’t be. They have seen all that before and don’t think anything of it, except that they know they’re helping you get to the parts you’re needing to fix.
I’m a horrible person because I should empathise with someone who is sharing with me painful experiences, not feeling envious, that he is allowed and I am not. What is wrong with me????
Why are you not allowed to share painful experiences?
That doesn’t make you a horrible person. It might hamper your ability to offer much to the person who’s talking about his trauma.
Maybe you know an empathetic person, a good listener, to point the other person to instead of yourself? That way you are doing him a good turn, plus getting yourself out of the situation that is making you feel the envy? In any case, I would try to get out of that situation. It doesn’t sound like it will be productive or authentic for either of you.
“Should” is a tough word to attach to feelings and emotions. How can anyone tell you what you should or should not feel?
Some feelings are more typical in certain situations. I don’t know if this resonates with you, but if you have atypical emotional responses, shame or guilt for your emotions is still unneeded and not productive. I will say that it can make it harder to learn how to “fit in” and connect with the average bear. But still that is not something that makes a person “bad”.
let the hate embrace you!
You’re not a horrible person, bluerose. When our own pain hasn’t been fully seen or met, it can make it difficult, if not downright impossible, for us to do the same for others. All your envy is saying is that you’re in pain, that you have unmet needs that are crying out for help. The envious one in you deserves compassion.
I’ve known people who have trauma that’s unexplainable to them. It could be a repressed memory, it could be from a pre-verbal age, even from birth or pre-birth trauma. I don’t know what your beliefs are, but some people believe that trauma can be passed down to us not just from our parents, but from our ancestors, from the collective unconscious, even past lives. Some people are also very empathic, with an energetically sensitive, wide open disposition, easily absorbing the suffering of all those around them, taking on others’ pain as their own. There are a hundred different possibilities. I encourage you to explore those you feel may have some basis to your experience. But also know that it’s okay if you never find out. It’s definitely much harder not knowing, especially because most people are not receptive to pain if you don’t have a story attached to it, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get to a better place. If your therapist is a good one, you won’t have to offer up a reason.
I encourage you to trust yourself. The world constantly asks us to prove ourselves like we’re are on trial, to justify our pain, as though we’re not really feeling it (like we don’t know our own gut-wrenching, excruciating experience!). No wonder self-doubt is so pervasive. The truth is that if you feel it, it’s real. Period. Pain is self-validating, even and especially when those around you try to tell you otherwise, as though they could possibly know you better than you know yourself.
Thank you so much for this, you’re right, the world expects us to have a story attached so that our psin is valid. This really helped, and even though I would want to find out a story behind it, I will try to accept it as it is. My parents have the tendency to paint the past in lovely colours, so I am starting to doubt my own memories some of which I knew were painful.