My mother passed away. And now Im just empty. Lost. Gone without her. I spend most of my days wishing I could just join her. Everything feels hollow and empty without her here. Before she left I was focusing on my medical and mental health. And now I work and go to school and mentally kill myself just trying to keep my head above water and Im never sure how long its gonna last. Im drowning withoht my north star. My hero. My guiding presence. She was the one who raised me and now that shes gone so is everyone else. Ive got no family and my friends dont know how to even deal with me. Im so close to saying fuck it.
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It’s really hard to know anything beyond the pain. It does get more bearable, even though the loss is great. Time doesn’t heal the wound, but it brings other things into your life that bring you moments of light, few at first, then more. It takes a long time.
Don’t underestimate the comfort of talking about it, maybe with a grief counselor or therapist. You shouldn’t have to be alone in this. I embrace you, in spirit, anyway.
Im trying to tall about it. All my friends are tired of hearing me ***** or seeing me cry. Its been 5 months and the hole hasnt even closed a little. I feel like I cant breathe most nights. Im not sure how this ever gets to be bearable or okay at all. I just.. im so tired of hurting.
Five months is nothing. Your friends may not be supportive, but there can be people in your life who can be. Look for them.
Feels like an eternity. After spending my whole life relying on her these past months have tore me up inside.
And I wish. Everyonr scattered after the funeral. I lost everything when she passed. I wish I could rebuild my life but theres nothing but rubel left
My dad died nearly 20 years ago mate.
It took me a long time to even come close to not being in pain.
Even now, there are still days when my heart hurts.
You never ‘get over it’.
As for your friends telling you to not cry, they probably haven’t had a loss in their life mate and don’t understand. But they will, everybody does eventually.
Sorry for your loss, too, man.
Thankyou SQ.
It helps to find someone who understands. Im so sorry for your loss.
I didnt think so. I vouldnt imagine ever recovering from this. Everyone else moves on with their life and Im just froxen in time. Like my heart stopped when hers did. It kills me
That frozen in time feeling is a really sad one.
When you see other people out there smiling, laughing and having a good time, it seems weird because for you, the world’s over.
I don’t know about psychiatrists because i’ve never spoke with one. But when my dad passed, i was fortunate to have 1 good friend to lean on. I can also empathize with you in the fact that i don’t have a single member of family to talk to nowadays.
You can message me as much as you want to mate, i will always be a sympathetic ear.
And thankyou for your kind words regarding my dad.
Midian is there another way to contact you? I love talking with you
Here’s a poem I wrote…
Miss Me But Let Me Go
When I come to the end of the day,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room.
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love we once shared,
Miss me, but let me go
For this is a journey we all must take
And each must go alone
It’s all part of the maker’s plan
A step on the road to home
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me, but let me go.
God thst made me cry. I am trying so hard to live up to her legacy and manage everything she did. Trying to mourn her and acknowledge her eithout dying and its so hard
Hi Jason, as I said before I’m in your shoes, it’s also been 5 months since my mom passed and nothing seem to be getting better. I think I have it even worse in way, since I’ve not only lost the most precious person in my life, I also blame myself for her death. I haven’t even been able to mourn her. so far only thing I do is to reflect; if I did this, if I did that. and it’s so unbearably painful that I can’t even put it to words. I’ve lost 10 kg already and isolated myself from friends. I just can’t tolerate anyone anymore. I can’t believe it happened like this. everyday is like living in a perpetual nightmare that you constantly wake up to again and again.
anyway; just wanted to let you know that I truly understand you and you can always contact me if you want to talk more.
Hey fally, i’m really sorry to hear this.
When i respond to people on here, i never look at their post history i just see what they have written now and if i feel like i can help a little, i will add my thoughts.
I’m sorry for your loss. The convo’s that we have had, have been great mate. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you. I didn’t realise what you were going through as well.
Please don’t blame yourself mate, i can tell from the way you post that you are a Kind person, you have depth and a great sense of humour.
No one like that imo, could be guilty of what you are punishing yourself for.
I wish i had advice for you mate regarding grieving. I (when my dad died) took drugs to ease the pain. Im not gonna advocate this, that’s what both worked and didn’t work tbh.
I wish you the all the best as well mate.
Hey midian, thanks for what you said. it made me cry for some reason.
I too have enjoyed talking with you a lot. : )
I wish I could stop. but I was the one who had to make treatment decisions for my mom and I messed up man. I feel like I have blown her chance of survival. when I look at it now I can’t even believe that it was me who made all those mistakes. it’s like I was possessed.
at this point I don’t even think I deserve a peaceful death. I think I deserve to be alive and suffer the way I do.
I could help other patients like my mom probably, I know many things now that many don’t. not even doctors. things that take lots of time for newly diagnosed patients to figure out even if they look into it. but deep down I find myself wishing everyone fail. and I blame myself for that too. no matter what I do and what perspective I choose to look at things, all that is left is blame. I don’t even feel I deserve to listen to my favorite songs anymore. whenever I do, I feel like I’m cheating. I guess I want to suffer the way my mom did. why did she have to pay the price for my mistakes?
I still cry now and then mate. Mad thing is, it comes so unexpected. I can literaly be feeling allright and that im coping good and then all of a sudden, it’s like the reverse effect of feeling a drug.
TV shows, music, things that i hold dear can set me off.
Look, like i said before you’ve got to stop punishing yourself , you probably know this already but you will literally make yourself physically sick. I’m not saying don’t grieve or cry, but you have got to cut yourself some slack.
I can’t imagine what it must have been like to be the one to make such huge fucking decisions for someone elses well being.
I will say this though, ignorance is not a crime. How the hell are you supposed to know what to do when doctors study for years to gain that knowledge?
You have educated yourself on the subject, which imo, shows that you are one caring individual.
I hope you can get yourself together mate, you are too damm good for us to lose in this world.
I remember reading another post where you said you ‘drowned in childhood nostalgia’ god i can relate so much to that, you know?
Do you not find comfort in that still?
I don’t know if their is an afterlife or heaven or whatever. But honestly answer yourself this mate, would your mother want to see you li!ke this. You already know the answer mate.
Besides, i’m sorry if this is selfish, but im looking forward to a new album from yourself. The self titled one, with a large number 2 on the front cover in neon pink and green. 🙂
Stay strong mate.
haha, pink and green neon wounds very vaporwave; a e s t h e t i c s. when life was normal, I actually had the idea of making imaginary album covers as a personal project.
– I still find comfort in nostalgia, that saddening pleasure of reliving childhood days. what makes it so profound for me is remembering how I felt about life as a child. hard to explain especially when English is not your first language.
you know, I guess I’m here because I can’t let time make my mom a long distant memory. it feels like I’ve betrayed her.
I know she wouldn’t want me like this. but I just refuse to accept what life has become. it doesn’t make sense anymore.
plus that I have to live with a father who has been cheated on my mom for a long time and even through the time she was battling cancer..the haunting image of my mom crying while carrying that fucking chemo IV bag around when she caught my father for the 1000th time…and the mistakes I made. it’s like the whole world was conspiring against her. even me who wanted to do good.
i just refuse to accept it. like I don’t want to be the person who experienced it. it’s just beyond me.
has been cheating*
..pink and green neon sounds very..*
this place could really use an editing feature.
Yeah, you are in for a world of hurt. Right off, your first priority should be giving yourself time to grieve. How much? As much as needed. You will know when it’s time to stop.
Next, understand that grieving has a wide range of manifestations: anger, numbness, sadness, compulsive trombone playing. Any and all are OK to express. If a friend or associate has a problem with this then kick the fucker in the ankle.
Third, you MUST express yourself to someone else! If you have no uncritical friends or relatives then either find a Grief Support Group or a therapist. You can use SP, but I strongly suggest you put yourself in front of human being that is actually in the room.
Yeah, you are going to suck for some undetermined amount of time. Normal, empathetic people will understand this and make allowances. It’s OK to grieve.
My statistics:
Suicide of mother: 13 years of grieving. Tried to work through it by myself which is probably why it took so long.
Death of father due to old age: 10 months of grieving. I had a good support network.
Death of pet: 1 to 2 years. I’ve seen quite a few pets die.
I’m so sorry SeeSmith,
I know I told u this before,
but again
I’m right here for you <3
Same.
What I had had infinite value.
I lost it and now there is nothing to help me break even. Nothing to balance out the equation. Only an equivalent replacement could fix me but that doesn’t exist.
Money is nothing to me. Same with friendship. Same with everything this boring world has to offer.
I just want to be me again but I was castrated in my head. I was so very messed up 5 years ago. Every second of everyday I mourn my loss. Every second I want to die.
This must be what a drugie feels like when quiting cold turkey, where life is just not the same without the “drug”. It’s colorless. Pointless.