Sometimes I feel like it is my place in life to die. Like I was born for the moment that I die, no matter how that happens.
Finally I am in a place where I can actually do it. I have the tools… I just feel like it should matter more than it does, you know? But maybe I’m just “desensitized” to it. I mean, as soon as I wake up I consider going and grabbing my gun. As soon as I lay down for bed the same thought occurs as well.
I’ve been told by two people in my life that I need “professional help” which really doesnt help… every person I’ve ever been with has treated me like some kind of plan B or second. My parents think I’m going to end up in jail, and have ever since I moved out I just found out. My job is great but bills suck all the money out of me every paycheck. I dont have booze or pot to help me along anymore…
I feel pretty overwhelmed by everything I’ve stated and a thousand other things…. honestly I just want someone to hold me and tell me I’m going to be okay, and that I’m worth SOMETHING.
But we both know that none of that will happen. So tomorrow I’ll load that gun and see if I’m still just too afraid of pulling the trigger.
4 comments
White Rabbit, you do matter, you do have worth, you will be okay in varying degrees at various times–more times if you do the therapy work–and for whatever it’s worth, I’m giving you hugs right now.
can you move to a cheaper place for a while and save some money?
Well I live with my sister. There isnt much cheaper of a place around.
Hey
Before I say anything, I’m sending you a big long hug
You’re going to be okay…
I know that because you’re here & you wrote this
& you’re worth so much more than just “something”…
Please take a look at my comments on this post
https://suicideproject.org/2017/05/my-story-267/
I know it’s too too long
& I know it’s directed to someone else
with maybe very different problems
& you might not agree with me on anything I wrote there
but please give it a try & read it through till the end
I’d be more than glad to hear from you & know what you thought of it or if you have anything to say