Sometimes I feel like it is my place in life to die. Like I was born for the moment that I die, no matter how that happens.
Finally I am in a place where I can actually do it. I have the tools… I just feel like it should matter more than it does, you know? But maybe I’m just “desensitized” to it. I mean, as soon as I wake up I consider going and grabbing my gun. As soon as I lay down for bed the same thought occurs as well.
I’ve been told by two people in my life that I need “professional help” which really doesnt help… every person I’ve ever been with has treated me like some kind of plan B or second. My parents think I’m going to end up in jail, and have ever since I moved out I just found out. My job is great but bills suck all the money out of me every paycheck. I dont have booze or pot to help me along anymore…
I feel pretty overwhelmed by everything I’ve stated and a thousand other things…. honestly I just want someone to hold me and tell me I’m going to be okay, and that I’m worth SOMETHING.
But we both know that none of that will happen. So tomorrow I’ll load that gun and see if I’m still just too afraid of pulling the trigger.