The White Rabbit
I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can get just a tiny little bottle of it… I figure I’ll either be dead or brain dead. I don’t care. At this point, if I had the courage I’d cut out my own heart. But I don’t. So this will give me the time to either get over it… or not.
I’m just so sick of feeling… every little thing. Every day. Feeling like suicide is just looming over me at every turn.
No matter how quickly or how slowly I get to know someone… I always feel afraid of actually having any sort of relationship. I’m very much an open book, sometimes too much so, but when I meet someone I like I can’t help but open up to them and tell them how I feel. Like me back or not, it still leaves me vulnerable to being hurt by them, one way or another.
I always feel like something is going to happen, either that they’ll realize I’m a shitty person and distance themselves from me, or I’ll accidentally say or do something stupid and they’ll hate me, or some other event will break the relationship.
And even if, persè, I had a relationship with someone for 10 years, we decided to get married, life was good and nothing bad ever happened, which we all know doesn’t happen, but for the sake of the hypothetical let’s act like it does, then there’s age. There’s life. And inevitably illness and death. Now, I suppose I’d rather care for someone til the bitter end instead of never care for anyone at all. But it’s like setting one’s self up to have your heart broken some day…
I suppose we can only hope it’ll be worth it. That the person can deal with ones… “baggage” without hating you for it. Or that one won’t let their immaturity get the better of them…
It feels like I’m afraid of even the good things in life. To the point that it makes my bones hurt.
They always hurt, no matter what. Any positive emotions always seem to lead to negative emotions of equal or greater power. So I want to get rid of them. I’ll take a damn lobotomy if I have to. I just want to be rid of them for good. They cause nothing but problems and pain.
But I feel like I keep finding myself drinking more and more as time passes. And that’d be fine if there wasn’t this ever increasing desire to just keep drinking. I mean I had a few drinks about a week ago and as the week’s gone on I feel like all this jerking me around my life does has me just aching for it. Something’s gotta give here… either the bullshit life throws at me, or perhaps I’m subliminally asking for it or something, I don’t know, or my will to not become like the rest of my family members is going to break. And I know how that goes, I’ve watched it my whole life. Once that breaks once it’ll sate you and you’ll be fine for a while before it breaks again. Before you know it you’re drunk 24/7 and shit just gets worse from there.
Blah, I just need to vent and hope I feel better after I just get it all out there… honestly I wish I wasn’t such a coward so I could just end this damned roller-coaster ride. Some day man… some day we’re all going to die, and I don’t want every waking moment of this life to contain that here one day gone the next up and down of happiness and sadness. I should just know by now not to try to be happy. The higher you get the harder you come back down to earth. And my head hurts from re-entry all of the time.
I keep going, day after day, doing the same old bullshit while I wait to be crammed into a dorm with three other people for the next two years who will come and go and be replaced and whatnot. All so I can get a career in forestry to make me money while I go try to get a proper biology degree. For what? The only reason I do this is literally with the hope that humans will launch me off the planet to go die in space and maybe see some cool shit before I die. I have no hopes nor prospects for love, and I’m damned if I have a family.
I just wish I didn’t have to worry about this all the time. I wish i could be happy, or at least not always on the verge of tears, like everyone else seems to be. Life is like a bad highschool school day; I just want it to be over with already.
I’m… I’m just going to go pound a nice big bottle of honey lager and pass out. I’m sick of thinking about it all.
A good song that is. It’s been a while since last I was here. A shit load has happened… I tried to resolve my issues, I’ve tried to resolve that I have to push through life. I refuse to believe this is a fucking disease. The only disease on this planet that doesn’t rot your flesh is humanity itself if I can cut past the idea that I’m talking about you, the reader.
I know I can’t kill myself… not myself anyhow. I’m too much of a coward and all of my attempts have just been those of a coward. So I can’t do that.
Right now I just need a place to ***** without bitching to the people around me, something I resolved to never do again since I made such a fool of myself doing that. Here, I feel free to be a whiny ***** all I want because you all expect it.
I’m trying to keep this brief and separate my thoughts… to get right down to it though, I met a really sweet guy that’s a lot like me and treats me like just the cutest little bunny in the world. Well he’s the first guy I could really call a friend in my life. Everyone else… I either feel like they don’t care about me, or they’re just shadows that have lingered around to fill the rooms of my life with motion and conversation. Can I care about them? Sure. Do I? If I feel like it. They don’t seem to need it so usually I don’t. It feels like having a doll instead of a child, you know? That difference. You push everything onto those shadows and let them soak it in, and they just look at you with blank eyes and a vapid expression. You could probably cut out their frontal lobe and get a more emotional person.
Perhaps that’s why I feel the way I do about most humans… ’till I met this guy I felt like everyone in the world could burn in hellfire and I wouldn’t glance at them twice. But him… I would save the world for him.
But tonight, after our… say… third(?) night of staying up all night talking I realized something and vented for a sec about it but shut myself down to avoid being a whiny *****. That thing I realized is that I don’t want love. Or rather, half of me doesn’t. The other half lives for it. The half that doesn’t is afraid of loss and pain. And I feel like I should resolve to just cut myself off and never be with anyone just to spare myself that. Because, as it stands, I can live. But how long can I keep my sanity if I cut myself off from any potential of happiness? And if I don’t… how long until the constant up and down of love and loss and therefore pain drives me mad? In my mind I know I can never have a lasting love. perhaps that’s self fulfilling but it’s just the way I feel about it. So I’m suck between a rock and a hard place and to just say fuck it and break them both would be about as hard as cutting my own dick off. So to speak.
Ultimately, I feel like no matter what happens… I’m going to snap as soon as the situation is right and let loose on these monkeys around me until they stop my heart. Then what good was it all?
By the by this is that song I mentioned: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei-zY9MbSH4
Well after calling and waiting for a call back and calling and waiting for a call back and so on and so forth since fucking December, I tried calling the admissions office again today and still nobody picked up. Albeit I called around lunch but when else am I supposed to call? I rarely have any fucking time. Of course I tell my father about this and all he has to say is “I don’t think they want to talk to you anymore. You kinda let that ship sail.” when they haven’t TALKED to me ONCE since I got the application, and I haven’t heard word fucking one from them at all either, so I
haven’t let anything sail!
I’m just so sick of trying time after time only to be shot down. Its just how life goes for me it seems. Tantalization in its purest form. In the end I will have lived a pointless shitty life where I got nowhere, had no career, and no family. It sounds like a melodramatic cliche but it seems like my path to just… die sad and alone.
Need I say more? It seems like this is the day for rubbing one’s relationship in everyone’s face and acting like you could be happy for them while they do.
Honestly though, it used to depress me more but now it just pisses me off. At least I don’t have to watch stupid fucking commercials about it all season since I don’t have a TV.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy. But it seems further out of my reach with every day I exist. I suppose everyone wants to be happy really…
It just seems like everything is so far out of my reach. This book I’ve been reading, prescribed by a friend that said it would help me, hasn’t been helping me at all to accept societies heinous actions.
My dreams get worse and worse by the day… it just seems like life is trying to break me again. Like its trying its hardest to drive me mad.
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT for that than anything else. I’m sick of it. I’m just… sick of it. Would anyone care if I blew my brain out? No. But I’m too much of a coward to do it anyhow so I’m stuck living this shitty life where the universe does nothing but tantalize and torture me. Was I some kind of fuck up glutton in my past life? Hell, even if I were, I’m not that person anymore so why torture ME for it!?
I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying to go to college, the fuckers won’t even call me back when they said they would. I’m trying to be a good person and all I get is treated like shit. I’m trying to get over my depression and all I get told is I need to be on FUCKING medication, by dipshits that don’t know the first fucking thing about depression or suicide or pharmaceuticals, or why I don’t WANT to use that shit! Why I don’t trust some other FUCKUP human with that kinda of thing! Psh, I guess they know more than I do at least. They get paid to make people feel certain ways, no matter what its doing to their bodies.
Doesn’t help that I had… just the shittiest dream the other night. The guy I’ve been trying to get out of my damned head popped into it. I was hosting some sort of rather mellow “get-together” with some people I knew, and invited him. Little did I know that later that night (still in the dream obviously) he’d pass me on the stairs walking up with some guy to go fuck in my room of all places. Why’d I dream this? Maybe its my brains way of trying to get over it and helping me realize that he’s not ever going to be with some ugly, insecure, naive, young, toothpick like me. Maybe its actually trying to help me get over him by making him, at least fictitiously, undesirable. I don’t know. I’m not a specialist in all matters dream related. I’m just some idiot who made the mistake of telling the guy he likes how he feels, only to have that drive him away.
Anyhow, as promised, an update on the fuel cell:
I FINALLY preformed the experiment after multiple delays, a leakage (of the cell, not me) and life interruptions. It produced gas! It worked. Not enough to get some gushing flame like I’d hoped, but just enough to get a little wisp of smoke to rise from the anode tube. Not much, but now I just need to construct electrodes with a greater surface area, and maybe we’ll be able to get to the 1ltr/pm output requirements to actually power something. I suppose there’s no need to hide that its a hydrogen fuel cell at this point. I mean its nothing that anyone couldn’t build in their garage, or even in their apartment if they wanted too. But… it does take a lot to ensure you don’t blow up a battery all over yourself. And yet, through all of my mental bullshit, I’ve still been able to get up every morning and crack on building that cell. Lets just hope my gumption keeps up with the ever increasing requirements.
Ugh… and my wisdom teeth are coming in as well. Fun fun. Lets just hope they don’t come in crooked or crack like my father’s did at my age.
I’m trying to keep it together here… I feel like life is just bearing down as hard as it can right now without outright killing me in some torturous way. Yesterday I found out that my sister, my best and… pretty much only real friend in life has a cyst near her brain that’s pressing against it and causing bleeding. She went to Seattle by EM Transport last night and I talked to her for a while on Facebook but… I just wish I could be there with her.
Not a day earlier I talked with… the best guy I know. A guy I’ve had a pretty big crush on since I met him. He knows how I feel and whatnot, and, in short, rejected me. Which I understand and he was as nice as anyone can be about that kinda thing and I don’t begrudge him that… I just feel like all of my worries that I’m inadequate for anyone so amazing were confirmed.
Add to that the same issues I always have; restless nights from heart palpitations that jolt me awake every time I start to doze off, constantly being yelled at for my failings, the usual life stuff everyone goes through in their own way. Plus trying, hoping, to get into college, attempting to complete a fuel cell that’s giving me a knot in my stomach because if it works I’ll be set for the absolute coolest thing I’ve ever done… but if not one of my biggest dreams gets crushed. And in the middle of all this crap too.
I just started feeling like maybe I don’t need to kill myself. Maybe life CAN get better and I could be happy some day. But honestly… that sounds like a pipe dream that’s being crushed more and more every day. But I keep trying to push on. Why? A tiny little shred of hope that maybe life is just showing me some tough love instead of outright torturing me like I’ve always thought.
For three days I was all excited… the guy I really like told me that he’d give me a chance… if… I weren’t suicidal.
SO! I took that thought an ran with it. I applied for college after having the app on my desk for about a month, and started feeling more chipper. I rewired my room as I’ve been planning, sent out orders for my shop, etc.. I was genuinely on the up-and-up for about three days. until today…
Today I see him, say hi, and he doesn’t even acknowledge my existence. Likely busy or having issues of his own no doubt, so I don’t blame him. But it made me realize something. I don’t have a chance with a guy like that. He’s so very very far beyond me that… even if I DID get a date with him… he’d surely find one or all of my plethora of faults and be averted from me that instant. Hell, I’m damn near certain. Of course, being the sweety he is he always tells me, when I say that kind of thing, that he’d like me to let him make up his own mind about that. And I honestly think that’s probably one of the most honest things I’ve ever had someone tell me. Another reason to add to the plethora of them that I like him.
All of this aside though… does anyone, even my own self, truly believe that this will ever go away? Can this go away? I mean I was up for three days but that’s how tantalization has worked in my life so far. Up up up BAM down to your lowest low again. And… could I even ask ANYONE to step into my life when that’s how I am? I honestly, once again, feel hopeless amongst a sea of my own pathetic problems. And I honestly feel like this is the only place I can vent without sounding like a whiny ***** making stupid attention grabbing threats or some such thing.
What am I going to do about all this? I don’t know… probably the same thing I always do. Continue and go to college and leave my options open to other things as always. At this point I’m… honestly feeling like I’m headed in whatever direction the wind blows.
Its the same old, same old really. I’m a pissed off misanthrope lacking more than a shy percentage of a will to live. I hate sounding like a melodramatic prick but honestly I can’t very well voice my mind without at least coming off to a few people that way. I try to stay honest, I try to stay logical and not let my inflated ego obstruct me…
But honestly… I’m just, ya know, tired. I’m sick of fighting only to look forward and see bigger and bigger battles. Its demoralizing. I’m 17, graduated highschool early, on to tech school to hopefully get a job with the forestry department as a plant pathologist, blah blah blah. A plan I’ve told everyone, that really stopped being anything more than a blind shot in the dark years ago.
I’m an average physically healthy, young idiot bent on suicide. I’ve looked for help everywhere I can but nobody can help someone like me. I can’t talk to therapists because of what I am and how society sees that. I’ve always been harmless but that doesn’t change things in the eyes of society. What I am makes it impossible for me to have a relationship with anyone, have children, a family, or generally live happily. I’m always living in constant fear of the future and people in general. Anything that could bring me any more than a minute of joy is impossible for me to attain.
I’m unemployed and live with my parents, which may sound a tad more pathetic if I wasn’t 17. Though I intend to get a job soon, if my tiny town has any available, and earn at least a few hundred bucks with which to properly and swiftly off myself.
Everyone I’ve talked to has told me “Oh think of your family.” Well I do. Regularly. And I want nothing more than for them to suffer. They’ve betrayed me left and right, and the only one who hasn’t, my father, has always been an asshole to me. Even today he told me, because I don’t eat, that if I want to die to do it under my own roof. Well that would rob me of the glorious chance to make him wipe my brain off the wall. A brain he created, filled with useless bullshit, then tells that it’s worthless all because I’m not particularly motivated to spend a torturous life trying to do the impossible and carve a happy place for myself in this forsake world of fascists and theocrats.
Life is a gamble. And I’m ready to fold. I’M folding, but HUMANS made me fold.