Rambling (2)

So, I’ve been making these diary entry sort of deals in my google docs account since a few days ago.  I was originally using the notepad on my phone a while back because it’s easier to use, but that’s the problem.  It’s too easy to use.  Anyone can see it.  Anyways, I got super mad earlier, and wrote out an entry, and I’m laughing now because I’m just now realizing how profane the entire thing is.  It’s like I’ve unleashed a disgruntled sailor from deep within me that’s been bottled up for years, and is now dropping f bombs quicker than my grades are dropping.  Then I thought of those drinking games where you go and drink every time you hear a word.  If this was a drinking game, I think I’d be dead by now.  Last year, I was completely against swearing, to the point where I would actually tell my friends to stop doing it, and now I have to stop myself from using it every other word.  I cried a little earlier.  It’s all cool, though.  Everything’s fine.  I’ve just been really emotional these past few days for some reason.  I think I have anxiety… I get really uncomfortable around large groups of people… I worry that I’m inevitably going to screw up something.  I worry that I’ll have dressed the wrong way or said the wrong thing, and I’ll automatically be shunned from society.  I already feel like that.  Even with all the wonderful people I’m surrounded by, I still feel useless.  I feel like a waste of space.  Completely worthless.  I haven’t really responded to any other posts on here, so I’m not even that helpful.  I’m sorry for not responding to any posts.  I feel guilty about that.  I should.  I just don’t know what to say, or I’m worried that I’ll mess up.  Honestly, I shouldn’t care, given the amount of times I’ve screwed up, but I still do.  It’s strange.  I’m completely worthless.  I don’t have a job.  I can’t make money.  I want to be a productive member of society.  My mom says I can’t get a job, though.  My grades suck.  I’m fairly certain that everyone hates me.  The people who call themselves my friends have got to be doing so out of pity for my pointless existence.  Now that I’m thinking about it, I guess I just kind of say the same things every time I come on here, eh?  Nothing’s really new, I guess.   Anyways, I’m not really sure if the diary entries are actually helping, but I think they might be, so I’ll continue writing those in word documents.  It’s kind of nice to be writing out my feelings.  It’s a nice outlet.