survival instinct?

May 18th, 2017by frog

I often ask myself what am I doing and why am I doing it. “What” is easy but I’ve never had an aswere for “why”, doesn’t matter how deeply I try to think about it.

After waking up I go to work; wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, long jacket, a worn out pare of vans shoes, and my facial mask. I smile at the customers and my coworkers even chatting and laughing. I zone out a lot, forgetting the subject and creating my own in my head wishing I was at home in my shower with my lights off and my music playing loudly enaugh to hurt my ears, giving me a headache strong enaugh for me to not be able to think about my problems.

I look and act as if everything is okay. People often ask me how I feel and how my life is going and I keep telling them that everything is going great. I don’t want to tell the truth because I don’t want anyone to be involved with my messed up life. Sometimes I even get angry at people for talking to me to much or asking me anything like how are you and how was you’re weekend etc. but I play it cool n desperately try to change the subject as smoothly as I can. I hate when people ask about my personal life because I just want to keep it to my self.

I sometimes feel as if I’m insane for that I often thing about simply killing the person standing nearby me even if they don’t interact with me at all. Knowing that I will never fulfill those thoughts. I feel allot of rage and sorrow lying beneath my skin, just a scratch away from filling my vault and spilling all my feeling out of my head and into the real world.

Often when I’m getting a just a little bit straighter, small things like even a fly flying by my face or me failing to tie my shoes in the first try get me extremely furious and I just loose it, kicking my shoes away or punching the wall in anger. I often think of suicide as a path I’m willing to take but I’m never brave enaugh to complete it. Maybe i just don’t want to die after all and all of this is just my head playing some silly games on me. Even tho it looks like a clear exit, I always seem to stand in my own way.

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