I cannot tell the majority of my story here because if I did, I am sure the people I want to protect the most, will work out who posted this should they find it. I’ve even changed my writing style and the lot to post this, that’s how important it is that these people do not find out what I am intending to do. I DO NOT want ‘saving’ and I DO NOT want ‘help’ because there isn’t any.
A very long story cut short, I am an ‘addict’ who abused research chemical Benzodiazepines for a long period, and I stopped them last year after a law came in banning them in my country. I was using a LOT too, way more than any doctor in their right mind would prescribe, ever. I can’t say what the actual dose was as this too could help some do gooder identify me, but it was a LOT and I stopped it very fast, equivalent to a cold turkey.
Rightfully I should have had a seizure and died then, but sadly I didn’t. I spent days having hallucinations of fire breathing demons and blood pouring down the walls, I aged about 20 years in a week, my hair began to fall out, infected boils covered my once clear skin, my heart went absolutely insane, but the worst was yet to come.
I have now been off these a few months, and the symptoms are pretty much the same as the weeks after I stopped. I have tremendous muscle and joint pain, I can’t move very well, I have to force feed myself, my vision is so blurred I cannot read anymore, I used to love reading books, but I cannot even read a newspaper headline now. My heart is still out of control, it races and thumps like a huge bass drum in my chest. I get excruciating chest pain as well, but sadly it’s never the heart attack I want to have.
My skin burns like the core of the sun.
My whole body and insides are vibrating at an insane frequency, it’s internal, nobody else can see it. Makes sitting/standing/leaning/ any posture very painful. I must admit this symptom is a huge contributory factor to my decision to finally take matters into my own hands and end my ‘life’.
Tinnitus constantly screams in my ear, I never get a minute of quiet. This is louder than whatever I am listening to. Sometimes I swear I can hear voices through the Tinnitus too. That’s something you don’t tell others.
Every day I am crushed by the most awful exhaustion and fatigue, feels like you are coming down with a disease all the time. My bones ache, everything hurts. I wake up at night crying out from horrendous muscle and joint pain.
I cannot breathe, every day is a struggle for air, feels like there is a huge blockage somewhere between my lungs and throat. So far no medical evaluations have shown anything up. I get told ‘no way is this Benzodiazepine withdrawal, you withdraw and that’s it!’. Maybe it’s not, it could also be the result of years of uncontrolled anxiety. My body has finally broken under the torture I have subjected it to.
I love being asleep, and being able to sleep in this mess is a gift from some unknown deity. I now want to make the nothingness that is the void of sleep, permanent. If being dead is just a void of nothing, that’s fine by me. iI die, so do all these symptoms.
My body is like a runaway train going at full speed (this is really what it feels like), and it’s time to let it hit the buffers.
I just don’t know how to lessen the blow for those I am going to be leaving behind. I am a selfless person, but I cannot live like this anymore. I am not even living now, I’m not even existing.
Please don’t take Benzos. I really wish I could have told my story in more detail in the hopes it may make someone think twice before taking a Benzo. Please do some research on Benzo withdrawal. If I had, I may not be about to die at my young age. If you are on a Benzo and considering stopping, ask yourself ‘do I want to lose everything that’s good in my life?, do I want to lose my job, my friends, my family, my partner, my kids, my health?’. I can guarantee Benzo withdrawal will take all those things away from you, and replace them with a hell you never knew existed.
I have lost both a parent and a step parent to cancer, I wish I could tell you who they were because they were wonderful people, but I can’t because it’ll risk identifying me. I will say that if someone told me I had cancer right now, and that is what is making me so unwell, it would be a huge relief. That’s what Benzo withdrawal is, something that makes even the most awful diseases known to man look like walks in the park on a sunny day.
I would have rather stayed on Benzos for the rest of my life and had something close to a life. That’ll never happen though, no doctor prescribes to addicts. I was an addict, since then I have grown up. I was a kid then for want of a better description, I’m well and truly an adult now.
I am fucking sick of being told ‘the only answer to this is time’. Well fuck me, like all things, time runs out and mine is up.
I’ve spent too long in this place, it’s time to check out.
9 comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds extemely painful.
Even if you were an addict, you don’t deserve to suffer like this, no one does.
Do you think the only thing that would solve this is “time”? Isn’t there some other treatment?
I never did benzos, but I was on antipsychotics for about nine years.
The first times I tried to stop, I did it over a fortnight, and my psyche pretty much went to hell during the following months.
Last time, I did it over a year, gradually lowering my dose. Everything isn’t perfect, but it was a far better experience than when I came off too quick.
As an outsider reading your post, you come off as unbalanced. Understandably enough, you are clearly unwell. I’m a bit uncertain with regards to how much of this is imagined, and how much is real. But you certainly do not sound like you’re thinking straight. You should obviously get all the help you can, and admit that you have no way of knowing whether your symptoms are permanent, after a few months.
If your brain has been marinated in benzos for a long time, it is hardly surprising that it throws a bit of a fit when suddenly starved of them. Ditto for your body, which, after all, your brain is a part of.
Also, I may be wrong and you live in a police state or have some very obnoxious relatives. But most people care far less about you than you seem to believe.
People care about themselves first and foremost. That’s not to say they can’t be altruistic, or nosy, but I’m always amused by people who seem to think everyone else is following their every move.
They are most likely not. They have a life.
Neither, perhaps I should say person as opposed to people. The only one I give a shit about and who must not know, when the day comes, what really happened to me. I assure you I am not imagining even a tiny part of this, if I was, I’d quickly unimagine it. Nobody would choose to live like this.
I also don’t? want ‘help’. There is none anyway. No amount of whining about this to anyone will stop it and suddenly make me well again will it. No.
Benzodiazepines ARE EVIL. They got banned in my country not to long ago. My doctor subscribed them to me when I was younger. I booked myself a ticket to my grandparents overseas and my soul died while I got off. That was about 6 years ago. No words can describe coming off benzos.
I’ve had friends have seizures in my arms…and other people die.
I can’t tell you take your life but what I can say is I feel your pain. I know that doesn’t take yours away I know that. I wish I could because I know how it feels. Your soul is dead yet it’s screaming. How could my body my brain still be doing this? I’m off them. But they cook you.. I’ve been on every drug xanax is the devils mother.
Nothing makes sense, your brain is cooking it’s self. You say you don’t want help but if you could snap your fingers and take away all this you would right? Go to a doctor, they won’t help go to another another another another. Put insurance on. Two month wait list. Then private hospital. Every second feels like a month of torture. It does unfortunately leave damage and for months after.
I’m new to this site, what you wrote is the first thing I saw. All I know is this. When you get off them they still screw with you. It’s not fair it’s not right. But it’s a FACT. They have damaged your brain. I don’t know take .5 of them again….? Then that’s hooking you soooo no…… try another type? Not benzo in the same family… I’m not a doc I know your meant to tapper so to minimise the brain trauma.
You need help with this. And by your post you know right from Wrong. You just want the pain to stop and rightfully so. I hope somehow someway a door (not death) comes and helps.
It’s bullshit ay. Going around in circles. It feels like it will never end.
It will. I’ve seen it. My prayers are with you.
BM
I totally feel you. Let me tell you something about myself. I have many problems but I have this one above all others that I CANNOT deal with.
I have Lyme Disease. Because I have it, I feel hot 24/7. Literally. TOO hot. It is the worst thing EVER. I can never wear a long sleeve shirt when I’m inside, EVEN in the winter. For the past year, I have had to sleep naked and with a fan on. Now I have to sleep naked, have TWO fans on, and put them both on full blast. This has been so severe lately, that not even THAT has worked. I can’t even walk around in the house without feeling too hot.
I am constantly turning on the AC. Every time I go to school( I’m 20), I have to bring this “cooling gel” with me and I have to constantly rub my WHOLE BODY with it. Also, when I sit in classes, I need to bring a fan with me. This problem is so severe, that half the time I’m at my school, I’m not even ABLE to go to my classes, and just making it through the DAY seems like the biggest accomplishment EVER. The other thing is, that this problem I have only gets WORSE; EVERY DAY no matter what remedies or pills I take. That’s not supposed to happen, right? I have been dealing with this problem for three years and I’m terrified that it will only keep getting worse every day until it gets so bad that I can’t handle it anymore.
I’m telling you, this is the worst thing EVER. I can totally understand how uou feel.
I don’t think I have Lyme but I do have this exact symptom. Just another thing I am glad I will be leaving behind soon. I sweat in a cold bath. I have to carry spare clothes with me everywhere too. I had to buy a bigger bag just to put them all in. Just another thing I’m done with.
This stuff wasn’t prescribed to me, I got it from legal high sellers on the web. If you could still get it that easily I’d start taking it again tomorrow. The only visable aspect of it is the huge dent in the side of my head where I rammed my index finger into my temple 24/7. I did this during months of horrendous pressure in my skull, it seemed to balance it. Weird, not stop it, not at all but it did something. That’s gone now.
The rest of it is still with me. Every process in my body feels as if it’s on fast forward. Everything inside Me is moving.
I don’t think there is anything in this world worse than this, not even the way I have chosen to terminate my existence. It’ll probably take about a week to complete, but I’ve been like this for 8 months. What’s a week in comparison to 8 months?. I’m starting that process very soon, maybe this week, maybe this month, but soon. Very soon.
I don’t think about the what if of anything stopping it. Not anymore. That’s a waste of time. How the fuck can anyone help if they refuse to acknowledge what it is you need help with?.
One person at the hospital told me when I asked if the reason I could not breathe properly was related to Benzos, NO WAY, you withdraw from them and that’s it. Once it’s out of your system, no more symptoms.
I have a piece of paper in my pocket now which says:
The dead don’t feel movement inside their bodies all the time
The dead don’t feel like they’re? vibrating all the time
The dead don’t hear Tinnitus
That’s incase even consider being a chicken shit and not doing this.
Those are the only aspects of it that matter to me. If I’m going to Hell, so be it lol, that’s fine, it’ll be an upgrade on this.