Goodbye

I wish I had this option, but the toxic environment for me is my own body. I am really not very well at all, haven’t been for several months. It could possibly be the result of rapidly withdrawing from a very high amount of Benzodiazepines, or it could be something else. I’ve been chasing answers like shadow in the dark from the medical world for ages, there are none. I am totally unable to to breathe, that feels like my lungs are full of fluid, all tests so far are completely normal. I have so many other symptoms, lots of pain, irretractable pain, agonizingly loud Tinnitus that screams above most other sound, this insane internal tremor that feels like you swallowed some sort of industrial turbine, and a good 30 or so more symptoms.

Whatever is the cause, I am also very damaged from the rapid withdrawal, regardless of what this illness is. It was horrific. That’s coming from a person who really isn’t afraid of very much at all. I had hallucinations of fire demons, bloody holes replacing people’s eyes, blood gushing down walls like that scene from The Shining, horrific pressure in my skull that felt as if my head would explode at any second, blackouts of lost time, many more. I now relive this through a series of flashbacks and nightmares. Places remind me of it, people remind me of it, and even though those symptoms are long gone, my mind is damaged. Nobody knows about this, not will I ever tell them.

So, as good as your idea is, and I don’t doubt it will help many, no amount of money or short lived enjoyment will help me. The best thing I can do now is cut my poor soul free from it’s toxic prison and hope death either brings me only the guaranteed aspects of peace and silence, or there really is some kind of ‘other side’, a place place where I can be the me I was before I lost my health.

If you still have your health, I would count on for as long as you possibly can. If living has taught me one thing, it’s that things really do change over time, just most often than not, not the way you expect.