For two years she kept telling me she loved me without conditions, she wouldn’t change a thing about me. Now she has nothing left for me but anger and disregard. It’s so hard listening to her talk to me incompassionately, like my feelings are completely irrelevant to her. If she truly loved me, how can she see me in such pain and be entirely unaffected by it?
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it’s an evolutionary behavior.
Look at the animal world. Even a mother abandons her cub when she accesses that it is too injured to survive. She goes on with other healthy ones. Humans are no different.
That’s why, when you are in a dire financial situation that you can’t quickly recover from, or when you are very sick for a long period of time i.e. you can’t work and provide, etc. your woman shuts off emotionally. She needs to survive; so, she needs to find herself another partner and move on. She can’t do that if she feels something for you so she cuts you off. She needs to be in-compassionate to distance herself from you.
Same thing happens in politics, when they want to destroy you, they have to dehumanize you first in the court of public opinion so that it becomes legitimate in their minds to off.
The usual tools are: propaganda an disinformation.
Why? The shadow
Allow me to illustrate.
You date a girl for lets say 5 years. Everything is good; she takes good care of you. You want to spend the rest of her life with you. She rarely even goes to parties anymore but suddenly she decides to go to one. She gets “drunk” meets a guy, has sex with him without a condom; waits 5 to 7 days before taking a morning after pill. Naturally, she gets pregnant but here is the kicker: She tells you she wants to keep the baby, tells you that you are an asshole for not wanting to raise another man’s child with her – product of an infidelity no less.
True story by the way.
When relating the story she says: I don’t know what happened; it’s so unlike me. I don’t recognize myself.
It’s still her. It’s the part of herself that she is denying -aka the shadow- because it conflicts with her self image and the image she wants people to have of her.
We all want to be perceived as good people.
She relied on me for everything she needed, she was very dependent of me, too dependent for us to be able to stay together meaningfully in the long term. So I am quite certain that the fear I wasn’t going to be able to provide for her was not what changed her mind so drastically.
The rest of what you’re describing does remind me of her a lot though. That she had to find legitimization in her own mind for thinking badly of me, for not being empathetic with me, for viewing me with a cold heart. I don’t know which part she is or was suppressing and denying though: Either that she still loves me now, or that she never loved me in the first place.
She must have felt hurt by you as well. It’s hard to be empathetic towards someone when you feel wronged by them. She might be in a lot of pain as well, but doesn’t show it.
P.S. If you don’t mind my asking, is this the girl you used to talk about a long time ago, the one with whom you went jogging? I remember those posts.
Nah, I haven’t talked to that girl ever since those posts, but wow, I can’t believe someone remembered!
I am quite hurt by my ex, haven’t felt this shitty ever since back then, but I never therefore stopped caring about her, and it makes me just as sad now when I see her in pain. Just sucks she can’t say the same about me.
She was way too dependent on me, I basically did everything for her, and we both recognized that as something bad and tried to work on it. I didn’t blame her for it, because she had a shit family that she grew up in. In the end we agreed that she wasn’t going to get any better as long as she stayed with me, which is why she left ~3 months ago. She hated it, but we didn’t have a fight over it, and she didn’t hold a grudge against me because she knew it was the right thing to do.
Fast forward to today, and all the things she used to love about me she now hates. She has BPD, and she’s used to painting everything in black and white, so I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised. But it is still hard to accept that she would end up seeing me this way. I don’t understand how she could get from loving me to hating me in such a short amount of time, and it just makes me question whatever love she claimed to feel for me for those two years.
First off, it is such a shitty move to tell someone you love them unconditionally. You don’t. You can’t. There will ALWAYS be conditions where you can’t love them.
And if you disagree, at least don’t tell it, show it. My parents always say they love me unconditionally, but the truth is that at certain pivotal points in my life they have not only been unsupportive, but have outright sabotaged me. So everyone should just cut the crap. Actions speak louder than words.
Secondly, I hate to break it to you, but the point of breaking up is, you know, breaking up, i.e. putting some distance between you and the other person. Throwing a pity party and expecting her to join in will not work.
May I suggest you seek out support from friends, if you have them, or on here, as you have done. It sucks to be dumped, but if you one day have to dump someone, you will appreciate the option and be thankful that they don’t try to guilt trip you into staying with them.
I find this world to be a sad, tragic and meaningless place. Ironically though, sharing this very realization with another person makes it bearable, if not beautiful. Knowing that someone will stay by your side in this meaningless and tragic world no matter what happens and how much you fuck up is – at least for me – a rare kind of relieving and reassuring experience. I don’t see anything wrong with promising this to someone, and living by that promise.