Something has got really messed up in my childhood, I grew up like this, with the inner knowing that there is something wrong with me. They say, there is always hope, you can change things to become content etc…But it doesn’t work for me.
It is not a thought, feeling inadequate, flawed, it’s a feeling, it’s part of me.
I am spending the weekend with a friend and her sister and we went to some event, where you need to socialise and people are looking at you and I feel I just can’t do it, I repress myself constantly, I carry this constant shame of being me. ‘Oh but it’s no need to feel like that, you are a wonderful person” Thank you for who might be saying this and even if I try to believe you, I can’t get rid of this poison eating me from the inside.
I feel stuck here with my friend, was trying to smile but felt so down, smiling while having “I wanna die” on repeat in my head. It was this voice, stuck and depressed, shouting desperately “please kill me”. It’s not like I’m hearing voices, it’s mine, but also somewhat separate…
I don’t know how long I can continue living like this. Actually I could, because I have experience with inner torture and pretending, but I have no energy anymore.
Can’t stop thinking about ending it all. The Glass Jar comes to mind. I feel I cannot get out of there…
And “normal” people don’t get it. I’ve been thinking that there should be a place where I would feel normal, where I could be myself, where people were like me…They would understand and we could be free to be weird…
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This is completely relatable.
I remember feeling like this. Present, but not. Feeling lacking in some vague way.
What I want to know, though, is what you would do, or how you would be, if you felt you were free to be weird? Maybe that’s where it’s at.
I would be myself. Be more emotional, more intense (as I naturally am but repress it), not acting based on what I suppose is accepted, not terrified of doing or saying something embarrasing. These are all very ingrained in me. It doesn’t work by being told “just stop doing that”. It’s not me doing it, I can’t do it otherwise.
Maybe I just hate my personality.
You seem like you have a great personality.
People are threatened by intensity, but not everyone.
You need to find sillier friends, more complex friends: actors, musicians, thinkers, artists. Expressive people.
These kinds of friends are more accepting and more forgiving, perhaps because their thinking is less black and white.
Then, when you’re with your more traditionally minded / conservative friends, you won’t feel like killing yourself (as much) .
My friend is actually very playful, open minded. My emotional repression comes somehow automatically. Like, I’m programmed to show up as serious and cold, when I just want to relax or show my emotions. I think it’s also a kind of defence mechanism.
So it’s repression rather than oppression.
What makes you hold back: fear of being rejected?
Maybe, I don’t know. But it’s more than that, as I said above..I can’t just fix it 🙁
Idk, not trying to stress you out. Just trying to see what you mean. You think something is broken and can’t be fixed, I’m thinking that you’re holding yourself up to the wrong standard and just need to accept yourself, which is very hard to do.
I think you’re alright and am sad that you don’t see it too. Not trying to fix you or tell you what to do.
I’ll listen, though.
@SweetQuietus Thank you, you’re very kind. I can’t accept myself, probably true. I don’t even know who I am.
I am afraid that people would leave me if I’d just be myself, also very possible. It has happend. Often. It was painful. I don’t know. I know it’s not okay like this. Abandoning myself. But I am very fucking tired. Even of myself.
I felt the same way a long time ago, maybe in trying to relate to your situation I’m putting too much of myself into you and thinking, “Geez. If she’d only just be herself she’ll find the love and acceptance she’s seeking.”
This is something, perhaps, each of us needs to discover on our own.
“Geez. If she’d only just be herself she’ll find the love and acceptance she’s seeking.”
I’ve got to this conclusion myself but parts of me still reject the idea. Feels like an impossible endeavour….
It’s scary! You know not everyone will get you, not everyone will have the guts to accept you if you’re “different”, but the people who will make a difference in your life will. THEY will. That’s all you need.
So you’re not ready yet.
Y’know? That’s okay!
Chronic fear of rejection….
Maybe I’ll never be ready. But thanks for accepting what is. I really appreaciate that, it’s like a breath of fresh air.
You honestly seem pretty thoughtful. I’m willing to wager you have an awesome, passionate personality waiting to get out. Usually something (or someone) happened that trained you that it wasn’t safe to be yourself. I know you speak of fear of rejection. For me it was my parents…truly wonderful people, but not so good on the encouragement/instilling confidence front. Do you know who or what made being you unsafe?
I know there is something wrong with me as well.
I know i’m not being paranoid when i’m out there in public. I can see it in their faces. That look that says ‘why is he here’? I feel different to other people.
I sometimes freak out, thinking i need to get to a mirror, cause i must have toothpaste plastered around my mouth like camouflage paint.
I’ve psychoanalysed myself a lot online. I know some answers can be attributed to my childhood and constant rejection of my peers, but that only explains so much.
I don’t even (or very rarely) go out to socialise, it’s too bloody difficult. I spend more time glancing in my peripherals and concentrating on other peoples snippets of conversation that i can’t enjoy myself.
So now i don’t bother. But the trouble is, the offers to come out and do something have faded away so much that it is now almost non existant. So that further errodes my self esteem.
Like you, i don’t have the energy anymore. I haven’t got answers or solutions for you brw. I (probably wrongly) used drugs to escape my own thoughts, but even now that doesn’t work like it did.
If such a place existed where the ‘normals’ were absent, i would book myself a permanent vacation there.
You’re not alone brw – I may not be there physically, but i am in spirit.
I’ll bet there’s nothing wrong with you but that you think so and that sometimes you talk about playing with yourself on public forums which is just weird and wrong. (So stop that).
Seriously though, maybe someday we can cut our own selves a little slack, show ourselves a little love, and stop looking for validation from external sources.
Yet, we are social creatures.
Hugs to all.
You seem alright to me!
Thanks for the kindness mate.
Hugs back
You’re down today, what’s up?
I think i fucked up with my posting again. I just can’t stop it sometimes. i find it hard to guage what people are feeling and post stuff that i think is funny. Then when i reread it…
If we could delete our own posts on others threads, i think mine would be blank tbh
mid, aren’t you getting a bit too self conscious about your posts?
i don’t think so fally.
When i havent got noone to respond to, i sometimes read what i wrote and my mind just ….
i read and analyse myself way to much bro
You’re getting too down on yourself.
If it makes you feel better, I do remove things from my own posts (in case someone in my family finds the account).
You guys, our banter made all the difference to me these last several days. My exit day was supposed to be this week, until my mom announced her friggin’ move. I’ve been all kinds of messed up.
But, if you want to beat yourself up, that’s up to you.
They’re right there pal so better listen, you know?
MidProdBooRad (Leslie):
Why don’t you write some random post. We’ll talk to you, and you can go back and edit out what you don’t want or delete when the conversation is over? No worries then, with your friends. Right?
Cheer up, mate!
I tend to do that a lot as well and I know what you mean, even a simple act of saying hi to someone could occupy my mind for hours afterwards. but most of your comments are really on topic.
I think I’m having problems with taking things enough seriously, even suicide and subsequently this forum is not that serious to me.
i mean maybe you’re right and we should all be that cautious.
Uhm…I hope I didn’t bring anyone down with my post…though I guess you’re not talking here about my post. It’s a bit confusing…
@midian monster Thank you. And I’m sorry you can relate…
“I’ve psychoanalysed myself a lot online. I know some answers can be attributed to my childhood and constant rejection of my peers, but that only explains so much”
I think that explains very much though…And it could have been paired with some kind of rejection from parents, or not even rejection, but needing to be a certain way to please them…
I’ve always been wondering though what made my kindergarten peers reject me…I mean seriously…it was kindergarten, what the hell.
Was it only because I was more sensitive and cried easily? Was that enough?
Anyway, constant peer rejection in childhood really does leave its marks on ones personality, I believe.
i got no answer for you there brw.
why do monkeys single out one of their own for slaughter?
Is it something to do with pheromones? Can people smell weakness or sadness or whatever?
is it the leader of the pack dictating everything and everyone else knows?
Perhaps people knowing my own rejection, believed something was wrong with me, so in turn rejected?
no concrete answers mate.
I feel you mid. In public it often seems as if people just observed you without a reason. They look at you in this way that makes you think that there has to be something wrong with what they’re seeing and the only thing they see is you.
You know, there is a place that people from outside don’t really come. It’s SP.
I enjoyed our banter last time so when we’re both feeling better, let’s do it again.
same here nwnb
my minds just going a bit para at the mo
yh, we’ll definitly talk again mate
The same here mid. Rather bad at the moment.
I just want to scream. To destroy myself. Have these urges. I’m on the fourth floor and afraid to go close to the window.
Only thing I’ve done now is cut myself, it helped a bit…
yeah, please stay away from the window mate. Intrusive thoughts are not nice.
Have you got anything to distract yourself?
It may not be your thing, but music at full blast in headphones works for me.
and walk or dance around the room like a mad person.
Yes!
I’m stuck alone in this flat. I wanted to take a nap but can’t. I don’t have energy to move or dance, maybe I’ll go out but don’t have where to go, I just feel like crap. Would help to cry if I could.
I can relate.
@SweetQuietus *hugs*…I’m sorry you do.
Honestly, sometimes I think that not everyone is born equal and I’m not talking about money, families or countries. Some people are just born built from broken parts and actions? of other people just break them even more. If you have some broken pieces, you can still go on, survive and live. But when you are just so fully crippled, mutilated beyond any reason or recognition… Then even if your body is the same, your mind goes on, you can only exist.
I don’t know you went through and I don’t know who you are at all… But I can sympathise. Hang tight there okay? You belong here.
Thank you…Right now I think I just want to accept my currently suicidal self…To be okay with that, not to pretend I’m okay anymore
You don’t ever have to pretend here. We won’t judge you. We’ll listen.
I can so relate. I have always struggled in social situations. The pressure filled ones are the worst – when people expect you to be a certain way, and when you get weird looks if you don’t fit the mold. But even in situations with really kind, down-to-earth people, I still sometimes feel so anxious that I shut down internally in an attempt to contain my shame, a shame that I’m incapable of showing up the way everyone else is, only in my own depressed way. Because of it, I’m unable to open and connect with others though I truly want to. It’s hell – my mind desperately wanting/needing me to be one way, but my body, containing all its trauma and suffering, not cooperating with my (and others’) expectations, not allowing me to be anything other than fully myself.
I believe a deep need for authenticity to be both the gift and curse of the truly depressed. An incredible and invaluable gift when you’re around others who crave the same, a curse when you’re around others who put on a facade and expect you to follow suit.
I don’t know if this will resonate with you or even be possible in your situation, so feel free to completely disregard, but… The only thing that ever helps me get out of the vicious cycle (aside from removing myself from the situation) is to honor my need for authenticity in some way. To somehow find a way to share some of what I’m feeling with someone (something like ‘hey, I’m not feeling great, I’m going through a bit of hard time’ or ‘I don’t have the energy to join in with everyone, I hope it’s okay if I hang back a little ‘ etc). I know that can sometimes be really hard to do because its counter-intuitive to all the messages our shame is sending us. It also only helps if you can find someone understanding and receptive to it. But if you ever find it to be an option, know that you don’t have to reveal everything (I’m also familiar with suicidal thoughts running on a loop when clamping down on myself). Sometimes giving a little bit of the truth some air can shift our internal state, if only just enough to give us some relief.
Anyway, sorry for the novel (lol – your post just really connected with me). Wishing you a way through your current stuckness and pain. I also truly hope you find people you can be around that are understanding enough, real enough, as well lucky enough, to receive you exactly as you are. They’re out there, just not always easy to find.
Thank you for this, I’m not doing the best right now, emotionally. It was a very insightful decription of something I’m going through (and sorry that you are as well)
Yes, authenticity. Some would say that it’s much more important than happiness and I agree with this.
“I believe a deep need for authenticity to be both the gift and curse of the truly depressed. An incredible and invaluable gift when you’re around others who crave the same, a curse when you’re around others who put on a facade and expect you to follow suit.”
Loved this above, thank you for articulating this so beautifully.
So glad it resonated. Hang in there. We’re rooting for ya.
I made the mistake to go out tonight, I thought it will be only my friend, maybe her sister, it turned out to be six other people I don’t know and don’t speak a common language with (literally). When I hear my friend saying “looks like six people are waiting for us”, I wanted to cry.
I found that behaving nicely, smiling or being polite was extremely painful. This is something only people who’ve been depressed can understand, I think, and not even all of them…I felt like crying when I was trying to smile. It felt so painful, even physically and I’m not exaggerating.
Then we were sitting at the table and I just wanted to disappear. I couldn’t be myself, because myself wanted to shout and break something, or just break down and cry.
It’s over now, my friend gave me her keys from her place and they’ve left to party somewhere. She was understanding but I still feel guilty. Cried while climbing the stairs up.
Everything freaking hurts.
brw
A few weeks ago, my friend had a birthday dinner. I thought it was gonna be about 4 of us. it turned out, there was 14 people there.
I was uncomfortable to say the least. I felt hot in the resturaunt and could hardly eat a thing.
That for me, is the final straw in my ‘going out for dinner’ phase.
I cant do it anymore.
I know that you know how overwhelming it can be. I don’t wanna be a party pooper either, but fuck me, it’s too dificult. I know my limitations now. I know i cant change.
brw- i really feel for you mate. And if your friends TRULY love you, they would/ should understand as well.
I think you need a big hug right now mate. Best i can do is an internet heart
<3
Thank you so much. *Hugs*