It’s 11:25 pm and I’m sitting on a park bench drinking beer and taking passion flower pills in lack of a better combination and listening to some group of people singing irish songs and some others laughing and I’m thinking of cutting myself here in the park, it would be so nice to do it outside…I know it sounds like I’ve lost it.
I feel bad because I am so alone, like ashamed that I am unable to be part of some group.
I have had many bad experiences being pushed out of groups and bullied and lauhed at by groups when younger. And I am angry.
And sad. And alone.
32 comments
Please be safe.
It may seem like small comfort, but you are part of this group. No one is laughing at you.
(What are passion flower pills? )
Please don’t say “pills made from passion flowers”.
Thank you, that means a lot to me. I didn’t cut in the park…but I did it at home.
And yeah, passion flower pills are pills made of passion flower 🙂 Supposed to have calming effect natural sleep aid etc. I’m usually taking much more than the “recommended dosage” and sometimes with alcohol. It helps to disconnect…
I wasn’t sure what they did.
It’s funny how we long to “connect’ but end up feeling the need to “disconnect” because the disparity between desire and reality and our knowing how to actualize it is difficult.
You sound better. Are you feeling better now?
Interesting what you’re saying about the connect-disconnect issue..
Yes, I feel somewhat better, also cutting helped, I know it’s not okay but still
I feel like crying but I feel safe.
Thank you for the support…
There’s nothing wrong with crying.
I know, I wanted to meet someone who is able and willing to be vulnerable with me and cry, then he proved to be a cold narcissistic person who hurt me a lot.
Lately I can’t cry, and I used to cry a lot and it’s been very healing for me…
Glad he’s in your past. Tomorrow sounds like it will be a better day: different city, a friend. Good things.
OK. Slow down and breathe.
1. I went through your older posts. You are NOT a horrible person. At all. You’re just having a tough time of it.
2. I could be way off base, but something is screaming PTSD. If you’re comfortable with your counselor you might want to explore this possibility out.
3. I feel your pain. You write so clearly. It brings me back to some places that make me very uncomfortable. It was funny…in my late 30s I was at a neighborhood party. I was really comfortable in with a particular group of people, talking about feelings, etc. When I realized this I thought I should hang out with the other dudes…who were talking about building sheds, fixing the deck, (picture Tim Allen’s Home Improvement character). That was a watershed moment for me. The point of this drivel? Hang with the people whose company you actually enjoy. 🙂
4. It is NOT too late. You have time. Plenty of it. I’m 57. I still have time. The important thing to realize is that this is your unique life. You don’t need to please anybody…but you. What’s important TO YOU? Then go after it. Baby steps. You seem like a delightful person…give yourself a break.
Thank you for this. Yes, I’m going through a tough time and have no motivation to do anything anymore. Still, I seem to not want to die but I feel unable to live.
I’m not sure about the PTSD..but maybe. There wasn’t one horrific event to say, it’s that.
I have issues trusting my therapist…But trying. He seems to be more of the type who keeps staying with the superficial stuff, or maybe it’s because I’m unable to be open with him. He doesn’t like to label, though I’ve been diagnosed with BPD…
I’d like if I could trust him more and he would be more open to explore stuff that happened to me in my childhood for example, but he is more of a “staying in the present and with what is clearly connected to the present” type of person.
Not every client connects with every therapist. It’s nobody’s fault. If you’ve been seeing him for awhile and haven’t established a rapport, consider changing therapists. Would you be more comfortable with a female?
I’m all for “staying in the present and with what is clearly connected to the present”. I used to be big on that myself – just focus on the present. But sometimes you have to go back into the past to figure out how to go forward. (Got that from a fortune cookie. 🙂 )
It’s hard to find another therapist now here for me, for reasons I’d rather not go into. Also I feel attached to him, because this is what happens usually…in my case. It would be very painful to end. I want to discuss these stuff about me having issues with him in the next session. But idk if he is the type to give me the emotional connection I need.
Sounds like it could be transference. Depending upon how your therapist handles that it could be helpful or a hindrance.
Yes, I think there is a lot of transference…The emotional coldness and me wanting to get out some emotional reaction of him, the fear of being open and him judging me or ridiculing me…so much reminds me of my father…
We’ve talked about this, but still there, in the middle of chaos, nothing changed.
Sounds like it. You need to determine if therapy is meeting your goals, assuming your goals are realistic. It shouldn’t be about your therapist, this should all be about you.
Hey brw
Being out on a park bench alone, late at night is not a good feeling.
I have been in that position with a sleeping bag in a holdall and it is one of the most lonely feelings to experience.
I hope you stay safe, or have got somewhere to go back to. It can be dangerous out there on your own.
Please take care of yourself.
Thank you, I do have somewhere to go back to. So I’m very lucky. Except I feel and am very alone. Even though I am supposed to visit a friend tomorrow/ today in another city.
I don’t know what’s happening with me. I have never felt this alone I think. I don’t want to spend my life begging others to want me or love me. It’s like I don’t deserve it. I wanted to be alone, to explore being independent but apparently I return to default powerless mode that’s been with me since childhood.
I’ve always felt like someone took away my power. Is it a delusion? Or a metaphore for being just afraid to live? But why am I afraid of everything, of making choices?
I should sleep but all I can think of is killing myself. There is too much pain and fear and aloneness. I am incapable of living somehow, and I don’t kow how this happened, but my whole life was like this.
Sleep on it. See your friend. Usually the morning beings clarity.
Maybe I’ll wake up in a parallel universe where everything is fine…Or on another planet and I will remember that I am acually from there and not here. But then I’ll miss Earth and I’ll come back to continue being suicidal because I’ll believe it would be a great experience to have.
I slept five hours, or less. I still feel like crap, but I would have time to sleep more as I have no job to go to (which is not a bad thing right now as I don’t think I could work)
This aloneness feeling is like poison. Emptyness, painfully but persistently etching from the inside.
I made a friend weeks ago and he’s gone, he said our personalities are too different. It felt so good to write to him and be open, let it flow, live through the metaphors.
Now all this is gone and I miss him.
I am so sick of it all. Everyone leaves.
Sorry for the rant…
Rant on mate.
Everyone goes eventually (well, that has been the case in my life anyway)
The aloneness – Most times i can deal with it, but other times, well it hurts like fuck.
I’m glad you got somewhere to sleep last night. Was thinking about you in the park tbh
Maybe someone else will come into your life soon. Life is funny like that sometimes.
Thank you. Yeah, I live alone now, well, I have to figure out what to do after I’ll stop receiving the unemployment benefit.
I hope I’ll be able to work then, but right now I’m not.
I went to the park because I felt so overwhelmed after my therapy appointment that I couldn’t breathe inside. Sometimes I just wanna run away somewhere but it might be running from myself.
Unemployment benefit.
I am on the same thing currently. It really doesn’t help when you are feeling like shit and you are living with the constant fear of having that security blanket snatched from you at a moments notice.
I’ve thought about running away so many times (daily it seems, sometimes) I usually end up like in your position last night, sitting alone on a park watching everyone start to go home. Horrible fucking feeling, really magnifies the loneliness as well.
Yeah, you run away and then what? it’s still you, even if you are in an unfamiliar place. Plus i’m a bit of a scaredy cat, who panicks about not being near a kettle to make a hot drink.
I dunno brw, it’s all so fucked up at times isn’t it?
Thing is, often it feels like I am the one who made this happen this way…like I wanted it, wanted to go down the rabbit hole or downward spiral. I wanted to explore freedom, to live my life, to be independent, to change the world. But somewhere there something happened, maybe this is part of the process, cannot go further until having faced the old fears lurking under the surface. Now it’s like I’m surrounded with mirrors and all the monsters are showing themselves, magnified. I said, I can take this, I will face them. Except, I can’t apparently.
I’ve actually wanted to experience alonness. Didn’t want to go with the flow anymore, do what others tell me.
Now I feel like it might be way too deeply inprinted in me, this inability to live on my own and do what’s best for me.
And yeah, that magnified feeling of alonness sucks….Sorry you’re going through this as well, though in a selfish way it helps to know I’m not alone…
brw
Nothing selfish at all to know you are not alone.
For me, being alone is what made me ‘go down the rabbit hole’ I sometimes ponder if life had been different, would i have the same knowledge i have acquired?
Would i be happy being in the company of friends? Or would i be a big old fake, lieing to myself that ‘i am happy’ and content.
The internet and several sites dealing with depression and suicide etc ,were a huge comfort for me stumbling accros them. Reading other peoples stories and problems made me feel so much less alone.
Being alone does have a lot of negative connotations attached to it. But it also (for me) has one big positive: You find out who you are.
When you are comformimg to your friends, are you really you? I don’t think so. Peer pressure (just like at school) forces you to be just like everyone else.
Some of the greastest thinkers, artists and poets were the lonliest people in the world.
Am i sad that i’m lonely? yeah. But i would sooner be lonely, than a conforming robot with no idea who the hell i am.
‘Now I feel like it might be way too deeply inprinted in me’
Me too brw, me too.
The thing is that I still don’t really know who I am…this is part of my problem, well, part of why I’ve got this BPD diagnosis.
“Some of the greatest thinkers, artists and poets were the lonliest people in the world.”
True, and there are also the so called spiritual teachers (though I don’t like the expression), who isolated themselves and then got to deep realisations about the nature of everything…And some of them experienced this moment of realisation as a cosmic joke…I mean, that we are taking things too seriously when it’s no need. Or, we are allowed to take things seriously but it still doesn’t mean anything.
I’ve starting losing myself in all kind of spiritual rabbit holes and it was fun and it probably couldn’t have been another way. Only now I’ve realised I’m still lost and cannot use spirituality to fill the emotional holes. (when I say spirituality I don’t mean organised religion at all, it’s more like the something that is hard t describe…not even sure it exists but still we are somehow all searching for it…)
So now there is a mess in my head and heart and soul…just a huge cosmic mess…
Yeah, i guess that is why in certain cultures, people make those spiritual journeys, like sitting in a cave alone for extended periods or something like the Aboriginal Walkabout.
I have never studied Philosophy or Spirituality, i have just come to my own truth.
I think the more you delve into complex subject such as this the more sorrowful you will feel (he who increases knowledge)
I mean, they say the least intelligent people are the happiest. i dunno if thats true cause i’m sad as fuck lol
I never got religion, never believed it at all. But i do think we are connected to each other and the universe.
Have you ever heard of ‘spooky particles’?
Maybe science will explain things better than religion, i don’t know.
I wish i could give you a better answer mate, but im not that smart lol
But i do get what you are feeling though mate.
I’m on my way to meet my friend and get sorta wasted (esp after 5 hours of sleep and feeling like crap plus bus being 2 hours late), but I really want to reply to what you wrote.
Let off some steam mate.
Hope you have a good night.
Thank you, hope the same for you.