I tried. I really did. Tried to hold on to any happiness that I can find. I grabbed at it like a drowning person would to something that floats. The days are getting darker. I’m not myself anymore. I was once happy. I don’t know how to get to that place. I don’t want to write everyone a note but that is what I find myself doing at this point. Picked up some liquid courage today. The cashier told me to have a nice night. As if unconsciously tempting my fate. Some of these letters will be easy. A simple fuck you will suffice. Others will be hard. What do you write to your mom? How do you put in words that each day alive is the worst day of my life. Do I give it another 24 hours. I keep lying to myself saying tomorrow will be better tomorrow will be better. Lies…
I know better. I know the one sure fire way to make this end. I have all the preparations. Everything is in order. I cleaned my room from top to bottom…never a good sign when you’re feeling this way.
19 comments
I think you should give it another 24 hours. However, maybe ask yourself why you’re in the process of writing these letters. Ask yourself if you can do anything to change that. Also, I think that chasing happiness is a tricky thing. I think the harder we chase after it, the less likely we’ll find it. Is there anything that you think that would maybe provide you with happiness? Did you have any goals in life, do you have any goals? Like helping to guide your child through life?
I think you’re right. The harder I seem to find something that makes me happy the further away it seems.
it’s only been one day 🙁
i say, u’r giving up too too soon…
come on man
i’m cheering for you here
another day
just this time plan it
please, put the letters aside
get a new empty piece of paper
think & list all the things you could possibly want / feel like / enjoy / even mildly admire
doing
then group them into things that you can practically do together in one day
& try it tomorrow
could you please??
give this a chance okay…
<3
Thank you for your words. I didn’t heed your words although I should have. I got to my sons letter and I couldn’t. I broke down. A grown man crying his eyes out in his bed like a 12 year old girl who’s puppy just got hit by a car. I couldn’t bring my self to even write his name on the paper. I drank and cried and ended up just passing out. As much as I want this life to end I would never do anything with out leaving him a note and that is impossible so I have to figure something else out. I have to figure out how to be happy again. I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always this way… thank you for caring. I see you a lot on this site and your words help.
Sir, you’r most most welcome
& sir I see absolutely no shame or illness
in a father loving his son
you are crying because it breaks your heart to leave your son & go
at least without saying goodbye
there’s absolutely no shame in this
it shows care & kindness & so many good noble feelings that could only come combined in fatherhood
but sir I also think
that you are crying because “you don’t want to leave your son”
no matter how old he is & how many people he has surrounding him in his life
& even if he seems so busy & maybe even unaware or taking ur presence forgranted
u know he loves you
& u know it would hurt him deeply if you leave him this way
sir i’m asking you to please reconsider this decision
it’s not set in stone
you’r in control & in command
i’m willing to discuss with you step by step
a way to get out of this hurt & pain
but please, as a first step
try that list idea i wrote you above
the sky is the limit
write down anything & everything you could think about
if you’r not comfortable talking here
that’s okay
my email is
farahlajeennouraldeen.1
@gmail
please know that you are most welcome to contact me at any time
tc
& again
please reconsider
The thing that I’m trying to cope with is in a few months I won’t be living with my son anymore. She’s going to move out with him and from there her girlfriend will move in and she will be taking over my roll. She will be putting him to bed and tucking him in. Getting him dressed cuddling with him. Thinking about it makes me sick.
I don’t know how To get over that and get over that I still love his mom. Even tho we were never together as “boy friend girl friend”
how far away will he be from you?
He shouldn’t be to far away we want to keep him in the school district. I know her plan is to move in with her girlfriend in about a year or less. So that’s the part that’s going to suck. I don’t want anyone else taking care of my son.
You’d made mention in another post about how your environment has been affecting you in a negative way. Is there any way that you can get away for a little bit? Even if it means talking to your friends or family for assistance?
No right now I’m stuck in this situation. I don’t want to bring my friends or family into this. I don’t feel like they would understand. As per the last person I told I “don’t fit the kind of person who would kill themselfs” whatever the hell that means.
I wish there was a way to get unstuck.
My heart breaks for you. I hope the day brings a revelation to you, a breath of clean oxygen to clear your thoughts.
My brother was told that, too. People and their profiling.
What do you think WILL help???
I don’t want to answer that right now cause I’m tried of saying oh suicide will fix that. I don’t know. Meds. Drugs. Thank you tho
I understand. I’m rooting for you, for whatever it’s worth. I believe in you, too, from the things you’ve posted.
Duly noted. Glad you’re still here…although in one Helluva lot of pain.
Did you do any of the little things that make you happy today?
I tried. Every time I caught myself being happy for a moment all the bad thoughts would come back. I would make another cut on my arm and it would go away…for the moment.
Just try again today. I know it’s really hard…but you’re more than worth it. I am rooting for you.
I often used to draft my final letters in my mind. I would only compose two of them- one to my parents and one to my sister. The latter one I’ve actually been writing since the start of the year in email form as she lives on the other side of the world. I’ve surprised myself by how much I’ve actually written as there are pages and pages of text now and I keep adding to it. The first quarter consists of my memories of her from childhood onwards, recalling many of the standout events we’ve shared over the last 37 years. The rest of the letter is about the things I’ve experienced during my life that have made me spiral down to this point, mostly things she doesn’t know about, in an attempt to make her understand why I’ve gone.
My note to my parents by contrast would be much shorter. I’ll probably apologize for hurting them but explain, truthfully, that I can’t drag myself through this life anymore with the weight of my accumulated bad experiences and mistakes weighing me down like Marley’s ghost in A Christmas Carol. Their unhappy marriage was a big factor in my ending up like this but I probably won’t mention that as it wouldn’t do any good anyway.
I’m hoping I never get to the stage where I’ll be sending these but at least I’ll be ready if that day comes. I may now sound like a hypocrite but I hope things improve for you and you change your mind, although I do recognize the pain in your words and I know how difficult that will be for you.
Thank you for that. And you don’t sounds like that at all. As much as I want to die and end it all right now I would never wish anyone feeling this way harm and I would hope they would get better as well
I hope you are still with us and you’ve found some hope.