There are these moments when my impulsive suicidal urges are so strong that I need to push back, I can’t do anything, just want to jump to the box where I keep my pills and take them all. I have these vivid images in my mind doing it.
Or urges to go out and find a tall buiding/ bridge whatever…
Other times I feel like everything is fine, I’m “cured”. And then bang, something triggering happens or just a thought and I’m back even more.
I’m afraid that the urges get stronger and stronger…Like there is this immense rage inside me that wants to destroy it all…just end the unbearable pain…But in my good moments I don’t want to die…
I wonder if my therapist would help if I told him this, or he’d just make it worse…I don’t know…
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It feels exactly the same for me. Sometimes the thought scares me, and at other times it is tempting and I have the urge to tie a rope around my neck or go outside and drive to the train tracks. I’ve seen someone go to the hospital with an overdose of medication, and it was quite scary, which is probably why they aren’t too much of a temptation for me.
Sometimes I imagine having a button that would end my life instantaneously, and I ask myself whether I would press it or not. Most of the time I wouldn’t, but during those moments when I am having anxiety or panic attacks and the urges are strong, I would, despite what that would do to the people that care about me. The idea that I would actually go through with it if I could is scary.
I don’t like telling my therapist, because she thinks I am doing better and am not thinking about it anymore. We only have a couple of appointments left, so I would only needlessly make her worry about me anyway. But then again, she’s there to help me, so…
What could go wrong if you told him? He must have had a lot of cases of people that felt similarly, so he probably has experience with how to handle these kind of situations.
Sometimes I just want to go to the hospital, to feel safe…But I’m afraid..
Also I live in a foreign country now where I don’t really speak the language…well in the hospital some speak English but if not, it wil be funny to explain that I’m suicidal, especially at the reception…
I don’t know what to do, I’m in this purgatory state
And sometimes I really do want to end it all.
Also I don’t know if my therapist would believe that I’m really a threat to myself.
But as you’ve said it, they are there to help us…
How do you communicate with your therapist? In English?
I am pretty sure he is going to take seriously that you have these urges, at least if he’s an actual therapist that knows what he’s doing. Because if he doesn’t, then what is the point in going there anyway. Hospitalization is probably also something he could tell you a lot about.
It’s good if you have an emergency plan, a number you can call, or a place you can go when you’re having strong urges and can’t handle them on your own. There’s a hospital not far from where I live that’s open 24/7, and it’s where I go before doing something drastic. I’ve only ever been there once for myself, but it helped a lot with what I was going through.
Yeah, I communicate with my therapist in English. He’s a very good one, I believe, though we had our differences.
My next appointment is in a week, but I feel the urge to write to him…
I feel so alone..
I have the same urges. I mean, I want to do it and I’m going to, I would just need to be ready first.
For me it’s like, when I’m down, or something bothers me, I feel I want to do it then, out of the blue…lately even small things, like when my neighbours are making noises..
When I’m “up” I want to live and I see beauty and hope.
Very roller-coaster-like…
It’s just that lately the dark phases are getting darker and the urger stronger…