….
The heaviness in my chest is getting intolerable.
Everything is fading away, the glass wall between me and what we call the world, is getting thicker.
Maybe I just need to kill the life I’m living not myself.
Just read this somewhere.
I can barely type. While my chest is overloaded with the depressive swamp, anxiety is still pulsing and swirling around in me, and it is a torture, this combination.
I have detected particles of hope inside me, but they are more like splinters, they hurt and don’t let me just float in the emptiness of depression.
I sound calm now, because I have no energy left.
I cannot stop googling about suicide.
I don’t need hope now, I need help now.
But I am unable to ask for it. I cannot ask for it. I freaking want someone to come and save me.
I know….
The best moment today was when I was crossing the road and a car came and I stopped for a moment and stood there and imagined being hit and I felt the possibility of freedom…
7 comments
🙁
yesterday i promised you i’ll always be here
& i’m still here <3
can i be that person?
there's nothing that i want right now more than to be here for you & help
<3
could we talk love?
Thank you but I feel unable to talk.
Usually talk means that I have to reassure the other person that I believe that it’ll be okay. Otherwise I’ll feel guilty and a bad person. It’s hard to break that
I guess I can’t be nice today. So I don’t deserve people.
Maybe I just need to self destruct.
It hurts so much, I want people to see that.
But I’m ashamed in the same time.
I don’t know.
Can’t live in this world
honey, i’m willing to listen to anything & everything you’ve got to say
bluerose
this is all, 100%, about “you”
sweetness
not about me…
I want to talk so that “I” could reassure “you”
not the opposite <3
& if you feel that you're incapable of being reassured right now
that's okay
& I accept that
& i swear to you there would be no reason for guilt
& this would never ever make you a bad person
not in my eyes
& not as a fact
you are hurting
& in pain
& you have every right to feel down & complain
as much & for as long
as you feel you need or wish to
I would never ever refuse or reject or even secretly despise or look down upon that
if anything
I'll respect you more than i already do
for being honest
& for saying how you really feel
& what you really think
rather than just try to make me feel good,
cause this is absolutely not what i want here
i want you to be okay
eventually
& i know that this could never happen overnight
& that there's probably a long long road ahead of you
if you are to reach that result
I'm only asking that you let me walk with you
I'll take it at your own pace, with your own rules & i will never ever judge you
& I would never feel let down or disappointed no matter what you say or do
because i love & believe in the kind gentle & caring you
even if right now you don't
<3 <3 <3
Thank you, this made me cry…which is better than this pain
I don’t have energy to live
<3 <3 <3
love,
I had been out all day yesterday
but then I saw this
& let me tell you
those 2 lines you wrote made Me cry… 🙂
it's okay bluerose
I know how it's like
to feel you have no "energy to live"
could we perhaps
like bears
hibernate… 🙂
could we slow down our lives
even if just a bit…
& take a break
even if a short one
from anything that stresses us
or takes or needs energy
keep things simple
& down to bare minimum
just to maintain your well being
then
maybe
very slowly
we could talk…
do you think you could do that love?
hugs & love
<3
xoxo
But it’s so kind of you to be here, I’m sorry I’m like this 🙁
you are most most most welcome
& there is absolutely no need to apologise
i understand <3
it's been a long long long day
i'll sleep a while
& give u a chance to think about this <3