Things seem to be getting worse. It’s not enough that the transmission shop has my truck held hostage. It’s not enough that I am struggling in school. It’s not enough that my parents think that my depression is a series of “tantrums”.
The school, who we paid money, is refusing to have a single bit of compassion or empathy. I don’t know why I expect people to help. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the jackass state I live in has made it illegal to smoke on state property. That sounds perfectly reasonable? It is even illegal to smoke in the bed of the truck under your control, on the edge of college property. Yes, even that is illegal.
The rental car you drive around is another place you aren’t allowed to smoke.
Add in every building in the city I live in, apart from the one my name is on the title of.
So, coping skills…. I remember when I had access to them.
I tried to check myself in, got talked out of that.
Then the help people called me back and asked if I was no longer suicidal….
why would I stop being suicidal? death is the fucking gold medal exit. The faster you can make it happen, the better off you probably are. It’s not a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s a solution to a problem that no one I have EVER TALKED TO KNOWS HOW TO GET RID OF.
You can try to escape depression. Good luck with that. As soon as you get your feet under you get ready for the worst run of luck you’ve ever had. Everyone will lack any empathy for any pain you have. It’s great. You’ll think of all sorts of creative ways to kill yourself. So if I have nothing to look forward to apart from this, I can come up with some pretty interesting options as to how to go.
I won’t share the exactness of my method, but let me say this: I plan on doing what monks did in Tibet to oppose the occupation. I figure it is so fucking bizarre and terrible that it would have to get on television. Oh, did I neglect the best part? Someone who hurt me will get to discover whatever is left on their property. Perhaps I’ll damage their property, eye for an eye and all that.
Not today, not this week, but soon.
to be clear, at the moment I have no target, apart from myself, for my anger. I have some pretty creative ideas about what I might do to someone if they want to make things worse. For now, survival, breathing.
3 comments
I’m guessing you’re here in the US? If so…empathy is a lost art form. Nobody cares about why…everyone just shakes their head in tacit disapproval.
You strike me as extremely bright. While I appreciate the “Tibetan flambe” exit, it probably won’t make the splash (pun intended) you’re hoping for). Most people are either too content, too Self-righteous, or too frazzled to be of assistance. Do your best to reduce as much of the outside noise as possible. I wish I had better advice.
There is actually a song I have found and decided to play if I ever take the flambe exit:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkN_rnN-8aI
I can hear the neighbors say, never liked him anyway
I did a little reading about the original Tibetan protests, and it sounds surprisingly quite a bit like how I feel. Trapped, powerless, unheard and without any better option to be heard. Yes the land of the free, free speech does not assure any of us of being heard.
The funny thing is that pain isn’t something that bothers me in regards to exit. If I do it right, it is going to hurt alot and then I’ll go into shock and die. I’m not even angry right now, or sad, or any emotion for that matter. All that is left is a cold ball of fury at the impossibility of other humans, and a desire to hurt someone, a desire that goes down deeper than I ever thought I could desire to cause pain. I don’t care if I have to be the one to feel the pain, someone needs to suffer.
It cracks me up how many people want to get into the US, when so many of us want out.
Yeah…that song puts this country in perspective for many. But…Why should you be the one to suffer, though? I don’t think it’ll be like the Arab spring, which was started by a fruit vendor setting himself ablaze. Not here. Way too much apathy here. Try making your little corner of the world better.