Always having this reoccurring theme of feeling ready to die. Pleading that it will happen. Wondering why those not ready to go or those who want to live must be taken. Feel like im not good enough to die. If i tried to take things in to my own hands id fail at killing myself just as i have at absolutely everything else in my life. Id forever be brain injured and disabled and i cant stand to know ive failed at the one and only thing i have needed for my entire existence. I shouldnt have been born in the first place. I just don’t get it. Why can’t life be optional. I didn’t choose to be here. I want a sure fire way to get the fuck out.
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If you want a way that will probably work, research it. The info is out there about effective methods. That being said, the chance of failure is a big part of why I didn’t back when I felt up to it. The two factors that have stopped me thus far are guilt and lack of effectiveness in methods. This year I did pick a method, but it is a really hard (painful and slow) way to go, and that pushed the whole thing away. If I hate life enough for that method to seem the better option, first I’m going to tell the doctor so that he can try to medicate it away, then I’m going to quietly prepare.
I guess I never got the woe is me portion of depression. It’s a fucking illness. It is not a character flaw, doesn’t make one a failure, etc. I actually want(ed) to die because I liked myself too much. I know it’s the selfish choice for me, but sometimes a man has to be selfish. I don’t feel like I deserve the pain. Yet I endured, and you can too.
several years have taught me that no pain exists that cannot be endured, and usually the worst ones are passing. There is a general ache that life has provided that I haven’t shaken. I hardly feel it these days, the only time I really think about it is when it’s gone, because I know the difference.
You can be ready all you want, if you wait for death, unless you are elderly or terminally ill, it’s going to be a long dull wait. Death usually happens to people living life to the full. You know who has a horrible chance of living to old age? Cops, Emergency Medical Service and Firefighters. If one wants to have a meaningful exit, there you go. I couldn’t do that, physically, though I do have a fairly dangerous job. It’s surprising how hard death is. Don’t worry though, it’s coming for us all, sooner or later.
Ive been on meds for 16 years. It doesn’t take away the daily thoughts that i shouldn’t have been born and would rather be dead. Ive been to therapists. 4 in total. All ineffective. My job could be potentially risky though with my luck id be the sole survivor. And of course ive done my research as you advised. They all come with a slight risk of failure. I can almost guarantee it.