I have rewrote this too many times to count. I don’t know how to go on explaining, it makes me feel selfish for being even some what sad. I’m 22 years old, people say I should be having the time of my life but instead here I am, with the screaming thoughts in my head saying things along the lines of “you are worthless” and “nothing you do is right.”
If I had to take a guess, I would say these feelings started back in sophomore year of high school. I had already a bad tendency for cutting up to this point. It was used as a way of attention seeking because I always bottle up my emotions because I was taught, “fix it or get over it.” However, there was things I couldn’t get over, things that wouldn’t go away. So I would cut on noticeable places (upper arms, chest) to get people to realize “hey listen to me, please.” That never work because my friends would all just slap my cuts and tell me “Don’t do that again.” Or they would just ignore it. I don’t blame them either for it, they already had a lot on their plate. Sadly, my motivate for cutting change after getting out a very toxic relationship, it change to begin a way of releasing energy. I started to cut in areas that were covered (upper thigh/hip) and only cut when my emotion bottle decided to explode. I have been cutting on and off since then. There are periods were I can handle my emotions very well, and others not so much.
Death, is my main fear. But I want it so badly. I crave not being of this world anymore so I can stop existing and stop being a burdened to everyone I love. I feel as if I am always sad and I hate myself for it, and then that starts a train of hate thoughts against myself, and I can’t talk to anyone about in fear of them getting mad. I thought I could talk to my partern about anything, but today, I think they had enough. I don’t blame them, hearing “I want to die” from a live one is stressful and to hear it at 2 am adds fuel to fire. In short, I was told the same thing I always hear “get over it.”
When will be okay that I can’t get over it?
3 comments
Have you ever considered therapy? Sounds like you need to talk all this self-hatred out with someone who won’t tell you to “go away”. BTW…any idea why you have such self-hatred?
Therapy has always been on the back of my mind but I don’t know how to find a therapist.
Also to answer the second question, I don’t know where the self hatred came from exactly, there is no certain date or event that I can remember it starting from. If I had to guess, it was a combination of this over a period of time (middle school-highschool) that built up over time. Also during my time during school I was bullied pretty heavily and I think my subconscious over time started agreeing with all the nasty things people were saying, since it was daily.
I hear you. I don’t know where you live, your insurance situation, etc. Other than that maybe reach out to your primary/med doctor to see if he/she has recommendations. The best way to really find out is to sit down with a therapist and see if you guys mesh. A therapist can be great for 99% of the people out there, but he/she doesn’t work for you. Nobody’s fault…it just happens.