I recently went in for an evaluation (twice since I went to 2 different places and if I continue, I would have to go to a 3rd new place so yet another evaluation) and during the second time when I was being a bit more open, the worker asked “is there anything you can tell me to convince me that you won’t take your life away within the next couple of days” and I just said something to convince them even though I didn’t mean it because I was getting a vibe that they were going to send me to the mental institute.
I hate those places. I did want to give talking a chance even though I know for a fact that it won’t work but if I can’t even talk to them without being sent to the mental institute, what the fuck is the point?
I’ve been to the mental institute twice and they are unproductive. There are “trust circles” and people talk for about an hr and this is done 3 times a day. When you are inside these places, there is literally nothing there to stimulate your brain. Just t.v. or you read some book but really, I don’t like books. I like reading about random statistics online but that’s mainly it.
There is no weights for training (even though exercise helps though ironically if you were to look at my past notes, you would see that’s actually my main problem) and they have 3 smoke breaks a day (cigarettes are depressants so I have no clue why they do this…) . You also can only go out during a smoke break or during some “outdoor activity” which lasts for like 15 minute and the outdoor activity is only once a day. They have you play some stupid kid’s game which honestly just feels insulting. Either that or you throw some ball around.
It didn’t help and it never will. The rest of the time, you are just being watched by hidden cameras (they might even be in the showers). So if anything, I would argue boredom worsens depression and those paces are as boring as it gets.
So what… should I just kill myself if I will just be penalized for opening up? There is no way in hell I am going to those boring places again. I feel my brain die even more in those places. You also probably won’t sleep well at all because there is ALWAYS someone there that snores LOUDLY. Both times I went, you share a room with 3 other people.
The hippocampus deals with memory and emotions. I believe my problem is more of a physical problem so I really don’t see talking working out at all. I just wanted some pills. I wish they could just do a brain scan but apparently those MRI scans are not sophisticated enough? I don’t know. They will probably see that my hippocampus is smaller than the average person’s because I’ve wanted to kill myself for over 5 years and my thoughts are very serious.. very dark. I wanted a pill to fix this but I know life is not so simple.
If there is no hope, and I have enough common sense to make scenarios up in my head and not one of them yield happiness, why shouldn’t I kill myself?
I always say to myself “I’m done” but one of these days, I’m actually going to do it. One of these days, I will jump off that bridge.
11 comments
I just spent 30 minutes typing a response.
It got deleted.
I will sum it up.
I agree with you thoroughly. 48 hour hold is ALL they say to you. 48 hours turns into 70 DAYS. You realize you have been in the hospital more hours than you have had a job in your life.
You try the pills
They ROB you of your soul, heart, mental abilities, joy, happiness, and they destroy your body.
YOU WERE FINE BEFORE THE PILLS
You are nothing after the pills. The pills are the death of you.
You are trapped with nothing but a pill and your body. All the security you have worked for your entire life is destroyed as you are treated as an animal and shoved in a room with foul mouthed bastards.
You think: “If this is “help”, I will never ask for help again in my life.”
I have to do everything in my life alone.
You can’t rip out the effects of it killing your soul.
You can’t forget how they killed you and tried to resuscitate you with insults and sedatives.
I’m a fraction of the person I was before.
And that is why I want to die.
I will never be the same, and life is not worth living if I am no longer me.
I am going to kill myself, but at the eval (which I have recently had required for “probation”) – reason as responded as I relate with eval-
I said oh I am fine this is just required
I have been foul treated in mental units
I have been foul treated by people around me.
Medication killed me (I was literally in a coma from improper medication administration from 4-7 days)
FOR NO FUCKING REASON
I WAS SELLING AN OUTDATED ELECTRONIC
I WAS SELLING AN ELECTRONIC AND THEY KILLED ME FOR 4-8 DAYS.
Amazing I came out of coma, with no assistance from any of the thick headed faggots in the unit. Just on my own. I pulled myself out of coma.
They moved me for no reason from a room I was fine in to a room with a woman who had bugs crawling all over her.
THEY MOVED ME FOR NO REASON.
TO ROOM ME WITH TRASH.
Anyway, I just didn’t say anything to my eval about my goal to kill myself.
If you want pills I have done this myself – say I get shaky hands and nervous frequently – or I feel sad and “down”
Like I said I would never take pills they killed me
I went to eval said I have no mental illness
I have no suicidal thoughts
I am focused on educating myself
I hate medication
She ends appointment with her only task
-HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THESE ANTI SEIZURE PILLS THEY WILL ONLY GIVE YOU SHAKY EYES AND DIABETES AND CANCER AND END YOUR LIFE FOR 7 DAYS AND KILL YOUR BEST FRIEND-
I leave and say please tell my P.O. I completed my required assessment.
I went to those mental intuitions. They are boring as hell. The one I was in doesn’t even take you outside or give smoke breaks. The snoring, they would offer me earplugs. The beds are uncomfortable. Hard as a brick, and I have to go in there 3 times within a year to get disability. I would get at least one room mate who would snore and since I have a hard time sleeping at night and I would have the light on to read. The room mate would want me to turn the lights out. I can only stay in a place like that for a week at a time. They are hell. I get really bad anxiety when stuck in those places. Medicine doesn’t help me. I think my issues are the opposite. It’s the environment.
As long as you can keep paying their fees, yes.
What I’m saying is that if I am too honest (tell them how dead serious I am about suicide), they will just end up sending me to the mental institute meaning I can’t actually open up in the first place. Paying them won’t solve that.
Then there’s the answer you’re looking for, no?
It’s called a rhetorical question.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/rhetorical-question
Well, you asked, not me. The answer to your question which wasn’t a question is obvious to most except you. That’ll be five bucks, please.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/obvious
So no. There was no answer to this. Just a rant of how flawed the mental health practices are.
Is that why everybody else got it except you? Rhetorics are easy to understand. No 5 bucks, sorry.
Ihere is something better than 5 bucks:
https://english.stackexchange.com/questions/74293/how-to-identify-a-rhetorical-question
If you had read my post instead of just the title, you would have clearly seen the title was a rhetoric question. Just study briefly on how to identify a rhetoric question.