The only thing keeping me now is my deep love for my husband and a commitment and love for my friends! I also struggle with “will God forgive me”? I feel so guilty for the impact that it will have on them. It’s such a waste, me having to die. I have so much to give the world. I’m talented and full of hospitality and I love people and I love life, but I’m in so much pain and physical discomfort everyday, physical pain that won’t go away. If I could just crawl out of my skin and into a new body things would be great!
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I can see your quandary. Departing would rupture your relationships and stop your gift giving, but as you say, you are in pain. I don’t know what to say to that. I can give an opinion on “will God forgive me?” The Bible reports at least fourteen suicidal individuals by my best reckoning. Some completes with or without assistance, some unsuccessful attempts, prayers for death, and so on. Two individuals verbally “dismissed their spirits”. In every one of these narratives there is never any condemnation of the act. Notably, most of these individuals were believers too. I hope that helped you a little bit. I do not envy your position and I could be in it myself one day.