I was struggling with depression when I was 15 (almost a year ago). It sounds funny because I’m young and I shouldn’t have any major problems. But my problems were big enough for me to experience depression.
I was in elementary school, finishing my last year. All teenagers are with their heads in the clouds but not me. Yes, I love to daydream because it’s my escape from the real world, but I never had the urge to have a boyfriend, go shopping every week, buy makeup all the time… I thought a lot. I’m mentally a lot older than my friends. I think about my future, school, job, who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. And I didn’t have clear thoughts about who and what I want to be because nowadays the world will fuck you up in any possible way it can. And I think this is the reason why experienced depression.
I was suicidal, I tried to do it a couple of times, but I was a coward. I’m glad that I was. I still experience episodes of depression, but I believe in me. I believe I can cope with them.
I know that thinking too much is bad. You can ruin your self-esteem and a lot of other things. Where I’m from, most of the people work in a port, they get average payment and they are enough for themselves. But I don’t want this. I want to be great for my self, I want to be every day different, colorful, enjoyable, happy. I want a great life, I want to be wealthy, I want to shop without thinking, if I have enough money, I want to travel the world, I want to see different cultures, I want a family, that is not perfect but I’ll love it with all of my heart. I want all of this and more. Now I’m going to a school in a different city, through the school year I live there, I have great friends, the school is perfect. But still, something’s missing. Probably the assurance of a great, careless future.
But life is too short for all of this. We spend almost a half of our lives in schools, then we work, usually, someplace we don’t like with a shitty boss and irritating co-workers. Then we might meet someone perfect for us, but for some reason, it doesn’t work out and you are sad and angry because you think it’s all your fault and you blame yourself for everything that’s bad in your life and you start hating yourself even more. Then you might get a chance at something new and exciting, that for me was modeling. I’m tall and have all right measurements for being even Victoria’s secret angel, but for some reason, any agency doesn’t want me. Why? I mean, I’m perfect for the job. What’s wrong with my body?
And the circle of bad thoughts continues. I know that we attract the energy that we spread, but it’s hard. I’m scared of my life. Of what may or may not come.
I hate the thought that I won’t ever have everything I want unless I win the lottery or rob a bank… But chances of me robbing a bank are even smaller than winning the lottery. So I’m back to square one, miserable with my life, that I want to change, but don’t know how to because I’m only 15.
9 comments
You Are Smart hun
I’m 16 and I feel like we are just old souls in these bodies…Always thinking… Not being sheep that just go through life mindlessly… I love the internet… Because through the years, I have been able to expand my knowledge through wisdom garnered from others experiences, books, religions, philosophy, science…
I Get U
Life is pointless, even if we create subjective meaning… But, people like dopamine rusheS, and they are scared of the inevitable darkness, thats why they keep going.. Even if their life will mean nothing in a hundred years…
The more u become aware, the darker things can get…
You should take up meditation and look up eastern religions… Wake up to who you already are.. Which is a part of this whole universe.
I choose to stay, because I am still young and can steer my ship in any direction.. But If I don’t feel like playing this game no more, then I will go.
thank you 🙂 it helps to know that I’m not alone or the only one, even tho in a sad way
do you have any story? I mean, post? I’d love to read it, I think we are a lot alike…
Get an AA-T before graduating highschool. Do it before it’s too late. Go to your nearest CC and talk to a counselor. Take the placement exam. Start now and man… you will be super ahead of everyone, will graduate sooner, and won’t feel like a complete loser the way that I do now.
Average/smart people DO NOT belong in highschool. 14 year olds should start college.
Highschool was GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE.
A literal waste of 4 years.
Highschool = babysitting for teens and that is all.
You could also take online classes so transportation won’t be a pain. Take your ges. Maybe get a business degree if you don’t really know what else to major in (competitive but better than most other degrees). At the very LEAST, take all your ges before graduating highschool.
They are literally highschool classes which makes highschool redundant. I also recommend taking short session classes (like 8 weeks). I would also take 6 units in the winter (or 3 since dumb highschool might get in the way).
I would also maximize the units for the summer.
I would make an ACADEMIC PLAN with a COLLEGE counselor ASAP.
Trust me, you do not need highschool at all to handle college classes. You will also save a crap ton of money by getting an AA-T from a CC first (but it’s easier to transfer to a good university from highschool than it is from a CC ironically).
Nurses also make a lot AND have good employment rates. If you think you could imagine it, I would recommend it.
I had a bunch of sob stories posted but I deleted them yesterday just cause lol
Would u like to skype? My skype is cecilia.figueroa108
I would love to share with u.
I can detect a lot of social intelligence in your writing, as if you already had lived a life before and it were a déjà vu for you. The fact that you are only 15 is mindblowing. However, even intelligent persons like you can wreak their plans in life if their attitude, emotions or values are wrong.
If I were you, I would first park aside the idea of modeling as a career in your life. It is a shitty world and you won’t get anywhere unless you bed the male managers here and there. You can do that as a hobby and an independent woman once you are in control of your life.
If I were you, I would get a pen and a paper and go through all the education programs around ticking off whatever is potentially interesting and by that I mean that:
– it is and it will be demanded in the job market
– it is not horribly hard to to get (like engineering, maths, physics etc)
– it has a great return on investment and it is not hard like for example becoming a lawyer for bank institutions in some tax havens, could it be in Switzerland, Liechtestein etc. Before you are 30 you can have your own business and make more money than you can sanely manage.
– I would be very careful when choosing your partner. Today’s world produces nothing but sick individuals without values and 75% of marriages go bust before 5 years. Most good people remain alone because they can’t find someone with good principles and stable emotions.
So you are incredibly lucky in that you are aware of your intelligence, common sense and age and you have the luck again of being able to plan your life pen on paper. Devote some months to make the perfect plan.
I would give whatever if I could be in your situation now.
Thank you all for your help and ideas. 🙂